Everyone thinks IÂ’m too hard on my minions. People say that they donÂ’t respect and like me. Some have even said that I keep them so far away from me that none of them know or understand me. I say that all those people are nothing more then damn liars!

HereÂ’s proof that not only do my minions like and respect me, they knew me better then I thought they did.

This is my Christmas gift from a group of them. A bottle of Seagram’s 7, which happens to be my favorite cheap whiskey. Yes I prefer Jack Daniels, but I can get a large bottle of Seagram’s 7 for less then a small bottle of Jack Daniels. When I’m at home I generally drink 7&7’s. One bag of Ranch Corn Nuts, I love ranch Corn Nuts. My wife won’t let me eat them because they make my breath absolutely horrible. One pack of Listerine CoolMint PocketPaks, These serve a two-fold purpose. One is that obviously I’m addicted to the damn things, but also when I eat the Corn Nuts they’ll help me stay married. Finally “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks. C’mon folks, this is perfect! I’ve already started reading it and updating my own Zombie contingency plans. However, to be objective, the author of the book has some of his facts incorrect. When I’m finished reading I’ll do a full critique.

Now you tell me, do my minions love me or what?

Posted by: Contagion at 04:56 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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ACK! Something has gone terribly awry in the land of Contagion. Something bad that needs to be changed quickly. There is a rumor floating around amongst my minions regarding me that I just cannot let continue. ItÂ’s not that I mind rumors flying around about me; in fact, I try to encourage as many as possible. The more strange stories about me, the more people donÂ’t know how to react in my presence. Some rumors are true, some are false, I let them continue as long as they add to the mystique that is me.

This time someone has gone too far. Two of my newer minions came up to me to ask a couple of questions this morning. Since they where new and the questions legitimate, I answered them in a clear and concise manner. They thanked me, and then I heard one say to the other, “Minion J was right, he is a nice guy.”

Like fingers on a chalkboard, my brain reeled from that painful sound. NOOOoooooo! They are to fear me, be nervous when I’m around and try to keep from having “meaningful conversations” with me. There was no time to act, I had to react quickly, and my reputation was at stake. Since these where two newer minions, I didn’t want to scar them permanently, so I felt I would let them off with a stern glare this time. Minion J could not be excused for such malicious slander and libel. She would have the bear the brunt of my wrath.

Walking over to Minion J’s desk, I noticed she was talking to Monitor Minion. PERFECT! First thing first, I had to address the fact that they where chitchatting and not working. This sent Monitor Minion scurrying back to her desk. Then I turn to Minion J and say, “I hear you are talking about me.” Of course, Minion J denies the accusation. Then I say to her, “What makes it worse is that you are spreading vicious lies about me.” Minion J claims to have no knowledge of what I’m saying. Blood has drained from her face.

Then I dropped the hammer, “I heard two people talking about how you said I was a nice guy.” Minion J noticeably relaxes and slumps back into her chair. She starts to laugh, LAUGH I tell you! She goes on to explain she feels behind my gruff exterior that I’m actually a nice guy and she’s seen proof of it. She then goes on to give me some obviously misguided examples of my being “nice” to people.

Foolish Minion! What she misconstrued as my being nice, was nothing more then my attempt to get more work out of my minions. Their working harder makes me look better. If that means occasionally I have to do something like give recognition, appreciation and going to bat for them, then so be it. ItÂ’s not for them, itÂ’s purely for me!

I would never do anything actually to help someone else. If I did, then people might start expecting things from me, and I canÂ’t have that. They might try to talk or socialize with me. My walking by their desk may no longer scare them into working harder. That crosses the line on my code of ethic. Moreover, nice guys donÂ’t go to sensitivity class.

Well, just to make sure Minion J got my point, I increased her workload for the day. It was all about squashing this nice guy image sheÂ’s trying to bestow upon me, and not to prevent any rumors of favoritism.

Posted by: Contagion at 11:06 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 Heh, I like your leadership and management style.

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at December 07, 2005 11:16 AM (fk/lm)

2 You better have increased that minion's workload SUBSTANTIALLY to ensure that sort of image gets blocked from her brain. The neuronic pathways that connect the image of you in her brain and the ideas of "nice" MUST be severed!

Posted by: Ogre at December 07, 2005 11:59 AM (/k+l4)

3 LMAO!

Posted by: VW Bug at December 07, 2005 12:17 PM (BAHyt)

4 "Nice", that's like calling you "Sane" right?

Posted by: oddybobo at December 07, 2005 01:18 PM (6Gm0j)

5 I don't know. Between the balloon post and this post... if you go to work dressed as Santa and hand out gifts, Ktreva is going to have to call the men in the white coats.

Posted by: Bou at December 08, 2005 06:13 AM (iHxT3)

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I have received some e-mails from people today concerned of my state of employment or a perceived soon to be lack of employment. At this time, I would like to thank all of you for your concern on the matter. I appreciate you would take time out of your day just for me. Thank you, Thank you very much.

Let me lay your concerns to rest. My job security is Fort Knox, executive management likes me because I get results and that is what they want. The management in my office likes my results, just not my style. That is why they keep sending me to “sensitivity class”. You need to recall the one I went to back in October was not in response to any actual or perceived transgression of mine. They sent all management to it. It wasn’t actually called a sensitivity class. It was a leadership camp. However, being to previous sensitivity classes it contained much of the same material, hence why I refer to it as one.

Prior to that, it has been 3 years since I’ve been to a sensitivity class. The reason I was sent back then was because I had a dumb arse (fired shortly after) that kept screwing up big time on the same thing. I had explained to them 2-3 times how to do it properly in one week only to have them completely screw up the next week. When I approached them this final time they gave me my ultimate hated excuse, “I didn’t know that.” I’ll admit my temper got the best of me.

I stood there, went over everything we had done the previous weeks, showed them their notes that I made them take the second time I gave them feedback. It was when I said, “We’ve gone over this multiple times last week. You did know about this, do not tell me you didn’t. Either you think I’m a fool or you are lying.” To be honest I didn’t think that was so bad, I wanted to yell at them, “You are depriving the people around you of valuable oxygen you lump of biological extract!” But I didn’t. I did make the individual cry. So, off the sensitivity class I went.

The first time I went? That was due to a stupid joke someone said about me. It wasn’t even do to my actions. I was in my previous position with the company and I was trying to get some work done, and I had these people keep interrupting me for stuff they shouldn’t have been. I told them they needed to leave me alone. (I was not management at the time.) Later on one of the individuals called me “Mean and hateful” jokingly, someone else over heard it and called the corporate ethics department. Whenever a complaint like that is filed with them, the individual had to go to sensitivity class. That department and guideline isn’t there anymore. What’s funny is the two that where joking about me being “Mean and Hateful” keep it up to this day just to see if they can get me sent back.

See, you have no reason to worry. Nothing bad will happen to me; except I may blow my top and youÂ’ll get a funny story out of it.

Posted by: Contagion at 12:59 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Guess where I get to go next week? I’ll give you a hint. It is a direct result of this incident. Unless you’ve never read me before, you’ve probably guessed Sensitivity Class. You would be correct! I get a two-day two-night expense paid trip to the suburbs of Chicago to learn to be “nicer”. This is the fourth time in the last 6 years I’ve been sent. I don’t think it helped when they told me, I responded with, “Yea, I’m sure it’ll take this time.” Some people just do NOT appreciate sarcasm.

Then to make matters worse, we had a big staff meeting this morning and we were going over our “days out of the office” this month. This is just so that we know when someone has either off-site meetings, vacation time or training. When it was my turn, I couldn’t help myself. Neither tact nor shame has been a strong point of mine. I just spouted off, “I have this Friday off, next Tuesday and Wednesday I’m being sent to Sensitivity Class, oh and there is a chance I may get some more spontaneous days off, it appears none of us learned from my last outburst.”

Yes, they pulled me into an office and addressed my attitude with me. First, Sensitivity Class is a private matter between upper management and I. Second, I’m pushing the line of being disrespectful. Third, I cannot plan an “outburst” just to get days off.

Yea, Yea, Yea… says you. I kept my mouth shut…. This time…. For once. I did point out that since I was the one that brought up sensitivity class, they didn’t violate corporate policy. That policy is there to protect the person being sent, not the company. With which they agreed. My brain wanted to go off and “educate” them that I will show proper respect when they deserve it and if you didn’t want me to use this little vacation time loophole, you shouldn’t have shown it to me. I was thinking of trying to get another Friday off to help someone move.

When I returned to work yesterday, itÂ’s shared with me that they promoted someone whom should not have been. At this point, I will digress about this topic due to the fact that some of my minions read this blog and I donÂ’t need them seeing my true feelings on the subject.

God, that speaks volumes doesnÂ’t it?

Posted by: Contagion at 12:45 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Ah my good and faithful readers, I am currently live blogging from my very own computer at home. I’m sure you are all asking yourselves, “Wait, how can that be Contagion? You work, you have minions to torture and inventory to move.” Well today I don’t. I have some “Time Off” for the day. Apparently my peers and management don’t like being called “Farking Idiots” in the middle of a staff meeting. I just don’t understand why not, they are. It’s not like I was caught lying to them by saying, “You are the most competent and able management staff I’ve ever had the privilege of working with or for.”

So IÂ’m going to spend some time today doing stuff likeÂ…. Trimming my toe nails, catching up on blogging, trimming my finger nails, read some blogs IÂ’ve never been to before, trimming my facial hair, doing some Christmas shopping, trimming some pubic hair and I think IÂ’m going to travel across town to get some Taco Johns for lunch. Why? Because I can, what else am I going to do with the day? The shooting range isnÂ’t open on Friday, plus I really donÂ’t want to travel an hour and a half just to spend an hour shooting to drive back. I did some math, with the cost of bullets, fees and gas it usually costs me around $100.00 for an hours worth of fun. I can invest that $100.00 into alcohol and spread it out for 4 hours. MMMmm, AlcoholÂ… I can do that!

OH! Maybe IÂ’ll go see a movieÂ… no, canÂ’t do that. I refuse to be the dork that goes to movies by themselves. And before any of my readers who do that get on me, yes you are a dork for going to the movies by yourself. Find a friend for peteÂ’s sake, IÂ’m free today!

Heck IÂ’m free possibly even into next week, rest of the month, could be through the beginning of next year. I think it depends on how pissed off they really were. Oh, I guess I should at least pretend to be remorseful. Wait, I just canÂ’t. Even after getting a good 10 hours of sleep and not being pissed today, I still have no regrets. To be honest, when I return to work I think I might do it again, just in case they missed my point. These people need to realize they are farking idiots!

Well IÂ’m off to visit the blogosphere. My IM is in the on position so if you e-mail me IÂ’ll probably respond right away. If you donÂ’t then you will never know the joy of having e-mail chat with someone the likes of me!

Posted by: Contagion at 09:24 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 Yeah, management is kind of funny about being called out on their ineptness. I'd snapped a couple of times and realized that the only one getting screwed was me. So I took another approach.

I started going to my "bosses" with problems only they, with their infinite wisdom, could take care of. As the old saying goes, giving them just enough rope to hang themselves.

We'll see how well it's worked in exactly two weeks.

Posted by: phin at December 02, 2005 09:45 AM (Xvpen)

2 Hmm, if I worked with you I'd probably be home today too, cause I would have laughed out loud at the sight of you calling them on their ineptness!

Posted by: oddybobo at December 02, 2005 09:58 AM (6Gm0j)

3 I can't believe that you actually snapped on them... You?

Who am I kidding? Enjoy the day!

Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 02, 2005 10:17 AM (tahga)

4 Erk!

Posted by: Jenna at December 02, 2005 11:20 AM (f/kUC)

5 tee heee heee.

Posted by: vw bug at December 02, 2005 12:32 PM (BAHyt)

6 good for you. i too disliked having to pretend that those who have employed me in the past were not idiots. you need to let them know where they stand once in a while. at least you didn't assault any of them, i salute your self control. i'll have a sip of scotch in your honor. enjoy the day off.

Posted by: tut the guinea at December 02, 2005 04:09 PM (Z2+JL)

7 I agree with oddybobo, I'd take off too if I worked in your office; just hearing your lilting voice (heh) echoing through the building -- "...f*cking idiots..." -- would've put me in traction! Enjoy the mental health day.

Posted by: Wes at December 02, 2005 04:31 PM (XKQLY)

8 I was about to go off on another tirade about my supervisor, but, er, I'll contain myself.

Posted by: Shadoglare at December 03, 2005 12:16 AM (MbqnK)

9 Just be careful man, unemployment sucks...

Posted by: Graumagus at December 03, 2005 12:59 PM (bfSZU)

10 Ack!

Posted by: Bou at December 03, 2005 10:30 PM (iHxT3)

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