Have you ever eaten something that at the time was really good and tasted great, but turned on you? Like two hours later when you're in a meeting and all of a sudden you can feel a rapid expansion of you colon. Like a pump was hooked up to your backside filling up your intestines. You sit there sure that if you moved you are going to empty your entire digestive tract into your pants. Yet the pain and discomfort keep growing exponentially with each agonizing second.

After a quick deliberation you decide that it's better to risk the movement to the bathroom to empty thine self in an attempt not to unload in your trousers than to wait and do it anyway. So you excuse yourself and start your slow deliberate walk to the bathroom when all of a sudden a loud, reverberating, thundering sound that lasts for about 2 minutes emits from you.

Everyone in the room turns and looks and all you can say is, "Excuse me, I really shouldn't have had that bean and chili burrito on a whole wheat tortilla on lunch." People are gagging and wiping tears from their eyes. The whole time you're thinking to yourself... Thank god it was only a fart.

I was so embarrassed for that lady.

Posted by: Contagion at 07:34 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Okay, in an effort to help my gastro problems and just to be healthier I’ve started eating “Healthier” breakfast cereal. I’ve tried four different kinds so far and I’m about to give up on it, especially this last one. Let me give you a run down on what I’ve experienced so far.

A) Kashi Go Lean Crunch: Interesting flavor, I wouldnÂ’t say itÂ’s bad, but IÂ’m not sure IÂ’d say I like it either. There is a very interesting texture to it. It gave me gas.

2) Kashi Go Lean Crunch with Honey Almond Flax: Again interesting flavor, I think this one tasted better than the regular, IÂ’m still not sure I like it. The texture was interesting. It gave me gas.

D) Life: Okay, this one may not be considered a “Healthy” cereal, but it had the green sensible solution box on it and comparing it to “healthy” cereals it matched up pretty good. I liked the flavor, I liked the texture. My family liked the break from the gas.

4) Grape Nuts: How this cereal stays on the market is beyond me. Seriously the smell kind of reminds me of silage. The flavor reminds me of the remnants of the mash they use to make beer. It doesnÂ’t taste like beer, it tastes like fermented grains that were boiled, dried and served with milk. I kid you not I think IÂ’d rather eat the box. I put four packets of sweetener into my cereal container just to choke it down this morning. Now IÂ’m sitting here feeling like there is a lump of soggy cardboard in my stomach. Except the soggy cardboard would probably have tasted better. To make matters worse not only did it give me gas, but it gave me unspeakably foul gas. I emptied a conference room with a tiny squeeker. Fortunately the cheek flapping, sphincter hurting colon bomb I let loose in the bathroom. When I regained consciousness and picked myself off of the floor, I helped the other victims evacuate the restroom.

I just want to know, is there a decent healthy cereal that A) Tastes good and most importantly 2) DoesnÂ’t give me gas.

Posted by: Contagion at 05:58 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 366 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Grape nuts does not smell like silage. At least it never did to me, and I have literally judged silage in competition before. I don't mind the flavor of it, but it does have a slight resemblance to mash. The best way to eat Grape Nuts is with some fruit in the bowl-usually enough to have a piece of fruit with each spoonful of micro-mountain oysters. When I eat them, it is with a banana, but you could use any fruit, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, kiwi maybe. Possibly even melon. The reason for the gas is most cereals like those you have mentioned are LOOOAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDD with fiber, and when you mix that much fiber with someone as full of s*^t as you, BAM!!!!, mustard gas. Try beano. A bottle with each bowl.*** ***This advice is based on absolutely no medical training. I am not responsible for huge explosions in the sub-cockles of you system.***

Posted by: Petey at June 24, 2008 07:54 AM (tmnSV)

2 Even Wil likes this one, General Mills Oatmeal Crisp. If you must eat cereal this one is healthy & tastes good at the same time.

Posted by: red at June 24, 2008 08:16 AM (Xw6pC)

3 Petey: I will caveat my identifying the smell of grapenuts as silage. I'm a city boy, even though I spent a summer working on a farm as a kid, I rarely had an exposure to silage. I do smell it about once or twice a year when I visit a farm. But to me, the scent is very reminiscent of what my memory of silage smells like. As for eating it with fruit. Well I don't like fruit and I'm sorry there is nothing you can add to Grape Nuts to make it taste edible. You may be diluting the taste, but it's still going to be bad. Red: Once I finish my box of silage I'll have to see if I can find that one and try it.

Posted by: Contagion at June 24, 2008 08:21 AM (Jfxjt)

4 Try Total. And good luck with the gas....

Posted by: Richmond at June 24, 2008 08:30 AM (r5dRC)

5 Honey Bunches of Oats are great. Also, Quaker Toasted Oatmeal is pretty yummy AND good for you.

Posted by: Omnibus Driver at June 24, 2008 10:03 AM (WOXRM)

6 Raisin Bran or Mini Wheats, Brown Sugar flavor. Both Yummy! Adding raisins, fruit or dried fruit to any flake cereal would greatly improve the flavor.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at June 24, 2008 10:41 AM (uHRYR)

7 I'm also a fun of the honey bunches...

Posted by: Shadoglare at June 24, 2008 12:23 PM (Volhe)

8 Omnibus Driver: I'll have to add those tot he suggestion list to try. QW: Isn't the mini wheats with brown sugar packed full of sugar?

Posted by: Contagion at June 24, 2008 12:23 PM (Jfxjt)

9 Actually it's Cinnamon streusel in the mini wheats. 180 calories / 10 from fat 1g total fat 0 cholesterol/sodium 44g carbs (5 fiber/12 sugar/27 other) per serving, 24 biscuits equals 1 serving

Posted by: Quality Weenie at June 24, 2008 04:31 PM (BksWB)

10 I eat AllBran and add either raisins or dried cranberries. raisins give me gas.

Posted by: vw bug at June 25, 2008 05:01 AM (FPOeI)

11 What is this fixation people have on eating cereal for breakfast... I hate cereal (guess that's why I don't "get it"). How about eating leftovers from a healthy dinner the night before? I often do that instead of breakfast food. At least when I remember to eat in the morning - most times I forget... LOL.

Posted by: Teresa at June 25, 2008 11:45 AM (mMa3+)

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They've been talking about how cold it's going to be today all week. I just ignored it figuring that, yeah it gets cold during the winter.

I had to re-evaluate my assessment as I watched the exhaust pour out of the four inch tailpipe on my truck like a spy car pumping out a smoke screen. If that wasn't bad enough, I had to giggle as the exhaust froze on the windshield of the car behind me thick enough to impede their vision.

Now that's cold!

Posted by: Contagion at 06:16 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Just in time for Thanksgiving this important warning has been issued regarding the dangers of Turkey. Ladies take notes.

Guys, make sure you get plenty of turkey for the ladies.

Posted by: Contagion at 09:04 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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First off let me say this. I snore, I know I snore and I snore badly, but Bloodspite snores like a grizzly being arse raped by a moose. It's loud, it's disturbing, and by god it gave me nightmares.

After realizing that it wasn't some kind of beastial orgy going on in the room, I was able to pull myself out of bed and get ready for the day. Which started with Bloodspite and I heading to Georgia so he could visit with his father and show me some of the sites around were he grew up. Folks, this really is some beautiful country down there, pictures will follow later. Th en after meeting his father and uncle they took me to were the movie Deliverance was filmed. Following that bit we ended up in the ER. Folks, do not be the only northerner arounde a bunch of Georgia boys! Finally we ended up at a gun shop/range to do some shooting... not at the northerner... Were I discovered that Georgia's gun laws rock!

We headed back to the motel were Bloodspite had arranged for a justice of the peace to meet up with Bloodspite's mother and sister and sister's friends. We decided to pick up some beer and discovered that Tennessee sucks! We went to three liquor stores to find beer and each one didn't have anything other then a very piss poor sampling of some so-so beers. When we asked were we could find beer I about lost it when the smart arse store owner told me to go to Citgo. After the third store we ended up going to Wallyworld and just buying some Miller Lite, I was too pissed, annoyed and generally sober to want to continue the hunt for good beer... Fark Tennessee!

Overall it was a good day and I'm looking forward to the game tomorrow. Now if I can only get my wife to understand the new toy I'm bringing home... Georgia gun laws rock!

Posted by: Contagion at 10:55 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Well, I really need to do some yard work. Beside the dead squirrel that has been in my front yard for almost two weeks, it hasnÂ’t been mowed in almost three. Part of that has been because IÂ’ve been out of town, the other has been that ever day I went to mow the lawn, the skies opened up and rained on me. IÂ’m not fond of mowing in the rain. ItÂ’s supposed to rain of an on for the next three nights, and then IÂ’m busy again. It looks like IÂ’m just going to have to bite the bullet, go out and mow in the rain. Especially since that nomadic tribe of plains people have returned. I really wish I had some of my re-enacting buddies with me to help fight them off. Or give me beer. OÂ’well, IÂ’ll do what I have to do.

As for the Squirrel, well lets just say IÂ’ve chosen to ignore it. What better way to keep the neighbors at bay then having a rotting animal carcass at the base of your driveway? Yea sure itÂ’s been there since about July 3, well at least thatÂ’s when I noticed it. With us being busy and gone, I just havenÂ’t put much thought into it. However with all the heat we had last week the thing has gone bloated and popped already. ItÂ’s pretty much just a furry fly covered skeleton that is getting ready to stand up and start walking the earth in search of squirrel brains. IÂ’ve got to go pick it up tonight because itÂ’s in the way of the mower, and as much as I know it would make my neighbors all squeamish to see it, IÂ’m not mulching a damned squirrel.

Posted by: Contagion at 04:43 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Everything guys know about women and sex we learned from Pr0n.
Do I even need to say NSFW?

IÂ’m telling you folks, the pr0n industry would not lie to us!

Posted by: Contagion at 08:36 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 36 words, total size 1 kb.

1 "It's really educational"

You just keep tellin' yourself that.....

;-)

Posted by: Tammi at June 03, 2007 10:24 AM (wbVY2)

2 That was the most honest thing I have seen in a long time.

That should be a public service announcement.

Posted by: Jabbah at June 04, 2007 01:03 PM (JOq8W)

3 Maaaan - seems to be broken

Posted by: Shadoglare at June 06, 2007 09:30 PM (SKQFl)

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ItÂ’s not the effects of global warming increasing severe storms we have to worry about, itÂ’s the thawing of the bloodthirsty possums that is going to undo all of us! For those of you that arenÂ’t aware of what IÂ’m talking about, let me give you some details.

An ancient Breed of Bloodthirsty possums were responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. I donÂ’t care what they say about an asteroid slamming into the earth or global warming, it was these possums.

When the next ice age came along, the possums went into a deep hibernation. They have been undisturbed for years. Now with global warming, they are waking up.

If you think IÂ’m kidding, just watch this short documentary of an attack on a research station in Alaska.

Posted by: Contagion at 07:57 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I WARNED YOU! I WARNED YOU! But did any of you believe me?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo! But I have proof! The Rockford Register Star reports on May 25, 2007 “Watch out for zombies; the threat is real.” By Wally Haas!

Since I donÂ’t know how long the article will stay up until the government takes it down in order to hide it from us, IÂ’ve copied the whole thing here so as to warn all of you.

They started in North Carolina and have been making their way west. I’ve seen subtle signs that they’re approaching Rockford. We all need to be aware — the zombies are coming.

The threat of zombies taking over the country was first brought up last year in an email that was received at the Charlotte Observer.

The subject line: “This is a very serious situation.”

“Every day I see countless articles about politics, the war, and why flip-flops aren’t good for your feet, but I also see Charlotteans neglecting the important news.

“The threat of a zombie attack.

“The dead are everywhere: in our cemeteries, in our morgues, in our own backyards ... The potential for an undead uprising is huge. There is no question we’d be overcome — we would be no match for their brute strength and blind determination to feast on human flesh. Zombies don’t have a sense of mercy. I can only appeal to parents to sit down with their children and discuss emergency evacuation plans, which household items make the best weapons, and how to recognize when a loved one no longer has a soul. Please, Charlotte, concentrate on the real danger.”

Ed Williams, editorial page editor of the Observer, quickly alerted his peers to the threat. Editorial page editors, editorial writers, columnists and community conversation editors across the country, being the serious types that we are, responded accordingly.

“Oh come on. We can’t print this,” one editor replied. “It contains a glaring factual error. Zombies feast on human BRAINS not flesh. That in mind, I leave the threat assessment as an exercise.”

Some tried to be reassuring.

“Don’t worry. It’s that time of the year. We have loads of them in Ventura County, California. Only they’re called politicians.”

Others were not as dismissive.

“We clearly have been disrespecting the undead segment of our respective readerships in a less-than-politically-correct manner; hence, we owe them our apologies. One would not want to try to explain a zombie suit to one’s newspaper’s libel insurer.”

Others were more practical.

“We got that (email) in Detroit, localized. We deleted it.

“And then the zombies came … we really flogged ourselves when several were elected to the Michigan Legislature.”

Looking at the official portraits of some of the men and women in the General Assembly and reading some of the legislation theyÂ’ve proposed, IÂ’m not sure we in Illinois didnÂ’t elect a few zombies ourselves.

One of my colleagues said, “It wasn’t so much that they were zombies. We’ve had worse. But they didn’t complete our questionnaires so we couldn’t endorse them.”

“I think some of the Living Dead reside in Alabama. Sometimes even I wake up in the mornin’ with the zombie woof behind my eyes.”

“Clearly, this was written by someone from Pittsburgh, which is home of the ‘Night of the Living Dead,’ ‘Dawn of the Living Dead,’ ‘Day of the Dead’ and all other ‘Living Dead’ things. The living dead reside in Pittsburgh, not Charlotte.”

Pittsburgh must be a deadly place to live.

“We’ve never had to recant our support for zombies because we always couch the editorials very carefully: ‘On the question of the undead, on the other hand — oh, wait, the other hand just dropped off ...’”

“Wait uh minute, now. Are y’all suggesting that zombies don’t exist? And mocking it? I suppose next there’ll be no such thing as a gris-gris? And haints?

“I may be from South Louisiana, but I ain’t stupid. I know how to keep the zombies off-in me. (Boil a black snake, dip out some of the juice, bury it in the backyard at midnight with your underwear and two dead chickens, and you’ll be safe from zombies. Guar-ron-teed.)

“P.S. Besides, it isn’t the zombies you have to worry about. It’s the Ferengi who came back to Earth after Quark landed at Roswell in 1947. (Source: ‘Little Green Men,’ ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.’)”

“You mean the Rules of Acquisition AREN’T the guiding principles of American political life already?”

“One of our people asks if this phenomenon has anything to do with global warming. ...”

“After years of watching him campaign, I’ve always thought Al Gore might be one of ’em.”

ItÂ’s an inconvenient truth that editorial writers know more about dealing with the undead than weÂ’d care to admit.

Thank you Wally Haas, Thank you for spreading the word. And for the rest of you that thought I was a complete wack-job... see, ol' Contagion does know a thing or two about the undead.

Hat Tip to loyal friend, and true believer, Littlejoe of the now defunct Little Joe's Soapbox for sending me the link. When the zombies come, you've definitely earned your seat on the survival bus.

Posted by: Contagion at 08:27 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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For a while now IÂ’ve been a very sick man. IÂ’m not alluding to my head cold that I mentioned in the below post. There have been some very serious issues with me, and they havenÂ’t been getting any better. Slowly IÂ’ve been getting progressively worse.

IÂ’ve been trying to keep up a good face about it, but I think my friends and family have figured out something is wrong. As things have progressed theyÂ’ve started to alienate me, or at least it feels that way. I see and hear less and less from them and theyÂ’ve stopped inviting me out with them. Not to be all machismo about it, but I can handle that easily. What bothered me was not knowing what was wrong with me.

Finally, today, IÂ’ve been given a partial answer. They finally diagnosed my condition. I found much relief in that. Unfortunately, itÂ’s incurable. There is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. I probably wonÂ’t die, but I will suffer for the rest of my life with it. I guess IÂ’ll just have to learn to cope with it, as itÂ’s also not treatable.

I have Chronic Lyricosis. There are two different versions of Lyricosis.

1) Singing so poorly that nobody can understand what youÂ’ve sung;
2) Not knowing the actual lyrics, but singing anway.
Usually type one causes type two in the listeners, therefore the condition is considered contagious.

The sad thing is that have I both versions, even if the second version is somewhat voluntary. Yes, I know the correct lyrics to Celin Dion’s “My heart will go on” is: Near far wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. I always sing, Near, far alone or in a bar. I believe that beer tastes better. Sure the Carpenters wrote, “Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime that you are near.” But isn’t it better “Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime I drink beer?” Of course Joe Crocker meant the lyric to be, Love lift us up where we belong. Where eagles cry, on a mountain high.” And I’m sure he’d kick my arse for me changing it to, “Love lift us up where we were wrong. Where the eagles die, way up in the sky” but I just can’t help it.

I prefer making up my own lyrics. They are a lot more fun to sing. Though in the fact that I canÂ’t hold a tune in a dump truck and often sing in a Scottish burr, does it really matter what lyrics I sing? I mean usually people are running away from my absolutely horrible singing voice. Many years ago GrauÂ’s family, WesÂ’ Family and mine went camping. They had a karaoke contest. Although I know IÂ’m a bad singer, I was kind of hurt at the fact that they where honest to goodness surprised that I didnÂ’t win the worst singer award.

Well, at least I know why they donÂ’t invite to go karaoke anymore.

Oh, and as for the real health issues, uhÂ… they still donÂ’t know. ItÂ’s pretty bad, oh and IÂ’ve gotten so used to coughing up stomach acid and bile all the time that IÂ’ve gotten accustomed to the taste and actually kind of enjoy it. Yea, I know.

Posted by: Contagion at 05:25 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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There are signs when a relationship is over. When a husband and wife no longer find themselves compatible with each other. The thought of spending any one on one time with their spouse is so painful; theyÂ’d rather do something like watch a 12-hour marathon of Walker, Texas Ranger. (I canÂ’t believe that show made it to syndication). We all know that not all relationships were meant to last forever. Even the ones we think are perfect sometimes fall apart. ItÂ’s easy to know when this is happening when you can see the signs.

Of course there is the increased arguing. The snide comments and dirty looks can be a dead give away. Sometimes itÂ’s the impatience with their partner or constantly irritated by the others actions. The decreasing use of pet names is a bad sign. Then there is the cessation of all affection. A lack of courtesy or inconsideration towards each other is a huge warning. The individual thinking more about themselves then their partner. Finally there are the more nefarious signs, such as plots to injure or hurt the spouse.

With a heavy heart I must say that Ktreva and I have fallen into this state of relationship. I had thought we had a good strong marriage only to find out that it isnÂ’t true. Maybe I missed all the other signs, but she sent a very strong one this week.

I asked her to pick me up a box of Frosted Mini-Wheats from the store. Do you know what that witch did? She got me ORGANIC Frosted Mini-Wheats.

If she still loved me she wouldnÂ’t try to turn me into a Hippy!

Posted by: Contagion at 07:08 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 280 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Organic?

Dude... it's really over.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at March 08, 2007 07:47 PM (Hn1Gg)

2 O.M.G. - you had me really worried there. Dammit.

Posted by: Mrs. Who at March 08, 2007 08:28 PM (9FXen)

3 ROTFLMAO! Yaa.. I thought my hubby was going to die when I brought home whole grain Goldfish. ;-)

Posted by: vw bug at March 08, 2007 08:39 PM (sLSBW)

4 Wow, thats just wrong! How dare her?!?!

The real issue is why would anything organic be frosted to begin with?

Posted by: Jabbah at March 08, 2007 08:53 PM (fwe8t)

5 What the hell - she was SUPPOSED to be getting the mini-wheats with added meaty sausage bits!! How can she get that confused?

Posted by: Shadoglare at March 08, 2007 10:39 PM (R0BM5)

6 There's still hope! You must perform a hippie exorcism! Strap her down and crank up the Slayer...

Posted by: Graumagus at March 09, 2007 02:49 AM (ZEzoY)

7 On a side note, where can I get the Mini-beef jerky wheats at? Since I eat frosted mini-wheats instead of potato chips, I need these... now...

Posted by: Graumagus at March 09, 2007 02:50 AM (ZEzoY)

8 There may still be hope... as long as she hasn't turned in her regular wheels for a VW bus... I'm just sayin'...

ROFLMAO!!!

Posted by: Teresa at March 09, 2007 05:34 PM (gsbs5)

9 Well, not unless this goes into production

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volkswagen_Microbus_Concept

Posted by: Shadoglare at March 09, 2007 06:01 PM (R0BM5)

10 Is that patchouli I smell?

Posted by: oddybobo at March 12, 2007 01:46 PM (mZfwW)

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I was minding my own business when I saw this headline: “Scientist Study Earth’s Missing Crust”. Uh, missing crust? What, did someone misplace it? Is it with all of my socks and the set of keys I lost 4 years ago? How does crust go missing?

”It is part of a globe-spanning ridge of undersea volcanos, the kind of structure that forms when Atlantic tectonic plates separate and lava surges upward to fill the gap in the Earth's crust.
But that apparently did not happen this time. Where there should be a four-mile-thick layer of crust, there is instead that much mantle — the very dense, dark green rock that makes up the deep inner layer of the Earth.”

Oh, okay so something went wrong in the geodynamics of the planet and instead of getting a lava scab it got a puss scab. I got it. (Well if you think about it, the analogy kind of works, gross, but works) Hmm, I wonder if they will blame this on global warming? Wait, wrong post. Anyway this doesnÂ’t bother me. I mean cÂ’mon we barely understand how the earth works and the fact that the site is three miles below the surface of the ocean doesnÂ’t mean anything. This could be a common occurrence for years, but we are just now discovering it because of our technological advances. This is what bothers me:

”The 12-member expedition to take an unprecedented peek at Earth's mantle left the Canary Islands on Monday with a new high-tech vessel and a robotic device named Toby that will dig up rock samples at the site and film what it sees…

…The robotic device will land on the exposed mantle, deploy a drill, and dig into the rock to bring back samples.”

WHAT?!?!?!?! If movies and Science Fiction has taught me anything itÂ’s that you do not bring back funky samples from strange anomalies for study. If you do, some strange kind of microbial creature will start to take over humans, you will release a funky disease, there will be some kind of radiation that destroys humans or even worse turns them into zombies. (God, if we were only that lucky) This may even be a gateway to an extra dimension or hell. Their drilling into it could open it up!

These scientists are being reckless in their endangerment of life on this planet. What secrets have been locked away in that undersea prison for millennia that they are going to set free? Heed my warning people; this could bring about the end of the world, as we know it.

Posted by: Contagion at 08:32 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Theresa of Technicalities talks about the lack of foresight by our elected leaders when they altered Daylight Savings Time. I agree with her, why fix whatÂ’s not broke. Unless you want to break something so that people can spend money to fix what they broke. Yea, that was a confusing sentence. Me, I have a simple solution.

Today at work I announced that I no longer recognize nor observe Daylight Savings time. This year I will not change my watch, reset any clocks or anything. I am officially on Contagion doesnÂ’t give a flying rats arse time. That means that if they do not show up by 7:00 AM CST (Contagion Standard Time) they will be counted as late. If they leave after 3:30 PM CST they will not get paid for hours worked outside of standard business hours.

I explained to all of my peers and managers that if they do not comply with my time, then they will be violating my diversity and insensitive to my personal beliefs. I will be offended by their lack of diversity and understanding. The work hours will rotate around my scientific and logical belief that politicians cannot dictate the time. Sure they can tell you they are going to change it, but if you think about it, they really are not. They arenÂ’t changing the time; they are just telling you that the time is different. If they told you that between March and November that grass is actually orange, and everyone says it is orangeÂ… itÂ’s not really orange!

Well dammit! IÂ’m taking a stand! IÂ’ve turned off all the daylight savings time features on my electronics and am set to make my stand. It is currently 7:30 PM in exactly 168 hours it will still be 7:30 PMÂ… not 8:30PM that Congress wants you to believe it will be.

So donÂ’t buy into the conspiracy to take away our time! Take back your watches, your clocks and your hour of sleep!

Now if youÂ’ll excuse me, IÂ’m going to go replace my tinfoil beanie. IÂ’ve seemed to torn mine in the rant.
more...

Posted by: Contagion at 07:26 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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This is for the geeks and the terminally curious types out there. Ever wonder how good your IP address is? I’m not talking about in the usual way, but in that just plain “how cool is it” kind of way. And in that phrase when I say cool, I mean “how geeky am I that I actually wanted to check this out.” . Well if you do, here is a website for you. Here is the bitmap of my IP address:

Personally I like how it breaks down your IP address into a poker hand.

Posted by: Contagion at 07:31 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Over at I Hate My Cubicle(NSFW) they had this picture:

Okay IÂ’ll admit itÂ’s pretty cool, and that its neat to see all these companies pulling together to support the local team. HOWEVER, in this picture is the company I work for. If you look real close, you may even be able to see me in one of the windows. And that just took the cool factor right out of the picture.

Posted by: Contagion at 09:35 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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For dinner tonight we had left over Chinese food. Clone loves him some fried rice. The problem is that he loves it so much it gets everywhere. As anyone with children knows, you canÂ’t just pick up rice off the floor. You need to vacuum it up. Of course, even though itÂ’s messier, it is easier if the rice dries before you attempt to vacuum it. Ktreva just wanted to clean up the mess so she pulled out the vacuum and started cleaning.

Guys, this is why I donÂ’t hire a housekeeper. Why pay for one, when the wife will do it on her own?

Anyway, she was vacuuming away when all of a sudden the power brush started making a funny nose and started to smell funny. Ktreva turns off the power to the brush, (but not the vacuum) and is looking at the brush. When I ask her whatÂ’s going on, she tells me she thinks there is something wrapped around the brush roller. It took me three times of telling her to turn off the vacuum before she actually listened and did it. I try to get it from her to check it out, and she insists she can fix it. She is telling me this as she is yanking on the some hair wrapped around the brush roller.

Finally I convince her to let me take a look at it. Not that it wasnÂ’t amusing to watch her try to unroll hair from it one strand at a time, I just didnÂ’t want her to hurt herself or the vacuum. I open up the power brush and remove the brush roller. There is a lot of long, fine; blonde hair wrapped around one of the ends where the bearings are. After looking at the brush, it appears that her hair had wrapped in between bearings and the attachment bracket. The friction had caused it to melt into a clumpy mess. I also noticed that the roller brush is not rotating like it should on the bearings. As I free it from the case the whole bearing assembly explodes sending tiny ball bearings all over the place. (Thankfully I was in my workshop).

I come upstairs and I say, “It’s broken, I can’t fix it.” Mostly I was talking to myself out loud. Ktreva hears me and yells from the living room, “Great, we have to buy a new vacuum.” To which I respond, “What? No, I can repair it.” She snipes back with, “You just said it was broken and you can’t fix it.” Me, “Well yea, the roller brush is broke, I can’t fix it. I can repair the vacuum. I’ll just need to order a new roller brush.” She comes back with, “If you can repair it, then you can fix it.” Me, “Yes, I can fix the vacuum, but the brush roller is FUBAR. I can’t do squat with it.” Her, “Then it can’t be fixed?” Me, “What? No! I can fix the vacuum; I’ll have to order a new roller brush to do it. Dammit woman, listen to me when I speak. The vacuum can be fixed; the roller brush is broken beyond my ability to fix it. It’s just a part. I can buy a replacement one. Damn women not knowing a thing about fixing stuff.”

IÂ’m just hoping the swelling from where she hit me with a pan goes down before tomorrow.

Posted by: Contagion at 07:15 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 580 words, total size 3 kb.

I've figured it out!

Okay, just follow my madness for a second. My stomach is producing more concentrated stomach acid then the average human. It's also producing it in 4 times the quantities. Then they found some kind of tissue that goes from inside my stomach out into the esophagus.

I'm mutating! My wife has been skeeved out by the fact that with a simple contraction of some muscles in my mouth I can squeeze my salivary glands and cause them to shoot saliva out like a squirt gun. What's happening to me is just the next step! The tissue is actually tubes growing from my stomach up into my mouth. I'm going to be able to spit concentrated acid on people that piss me off and dissolve them! I'm the next step in human evolution. Or if you read comics, I'm going to be a super villain. (I have to be a villain, A) good guys don't dissolve people in acid. B) I'm me!)

We'll just have to wait and see. I just need to come up with a cool super-villain name. Something like Disolvitron or something.

In all seriousness, why am I not surprised that more people thought the fact that I could start spitting stomach acid up with out control was cool then were concerned about the strange tissue that has doctors stumped.

Posted by: Contagion at 04:06 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 228 words, total size 1 kb.

I really hate mowing the lawn. The last time I mowed was July 24th. I just finished returning my yard back to a lawn and not a natural prairie state. It only took an hour and a half with 6 yard bags. (If I did it weekly I can get it into 2.5 bags.) What makes it worse is that just as I finished mowing I received a ticket from the Department of Natural Resources for destroying a prairie restoration area.

IÂ’m going to go have a drink now.

Posted by: Contagion at 04:45 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 93 words, total size 1 kb.

HereÂ’s another example of how life balances things out naturally.

Ktreva:
-Going out drinking with some friends, she can have a good time on $20.00
-Getting her hair done. $100.00.
-Total: $120.00.

Contagion:
-Going out drinking with some friends: Approximately $100.00
(Before you ask, no thatÂ’s not at a strip club!)
-Getting my hair cut. $15.00
-Total: $115.00

Close enough in my books. I say thatÂ’s pretty fair. Right guys?!?!

Posted by: Contagion at 06:37 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 78 words, total size 1 kb.

I remember being younger and watching movies. The lead characters always had these hot girlfriends or would win the heart of the beauty they desire after. As I got older I was never able to figure out why I couldnÂ’t do the sameÂ…(that is until I met my wife and then I was happy and never had any desires to even LOOK at another women because sheÂ’s perfect in every way.) In fact when I was younger I had a hard time keeping a relationship with a female over 3 months.

Now I know why. Here is a list of The 7 Best 80’s Movie Girlfriends. What’s great is if you read about each one, the break down why they had a crush on her, the character’s negatives and “How she was detrimental to our sexual development.

Personally, I always had a thing for Sloane (Mia Sara) from Ferris BuellerÂ’s Day off. She always made me happy in my special place.

Posted by: Contagion at 06:58 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 169 words, total size 1 kb.