November 17, 2005
Each day brings something new, something else that just makes my anger spill over onto those around me. I'm trying so hard to control my temper, but it's getting harder and harder. I'm affraid of what I might do or whom I might hurt with my actions. I would never physically harm someone, but I might mentally or emotionally. Some people deserve it, it's the ones that don't that I'm more worried about. What is more pathetic is that the ones that do deserve it probably think they don't.
That is the way with the world today isn't it? Nobody deserves what happens to them. Me, I believe that everything bad that happens to me, I deserve. Everything good that happend to me was due to luck. Well, I think my luck has run out. I see dark days ahead.
As I sit here, I can feel escape. I can sense it just down the street. The smokey taste of a good scotch. The charcol bitterness of Jack Daniels. The fiery burn of Jose Cuervo and Tobasco. My nostrils are filled with the familiar scent of old friends coming to carry away the problems. My fingers are shaking as I type this. Shaking from anger, shaking from sorrow, shaking from desire. Desire to drown my problems again like I used to so many years ago.
But I can't. I have to think of my boys. My boys don't need to see their daddy like that. They don't need to know daddy used to live out of the bottle. They don't need to see me doing it again. Don't get me wrong, I still drink. I just don't drink anywhere near as much as I used to drink.
My boys are the foundation for any control I have left, which to be honest with you isn't much.
Posted by: Contagion at
07:43 PM
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Post contains 362 words, total size 2 kb.
No, you are right, the bottle isn't the answer. You and your boys (and Ktreva) deserve better.
So, Herkimer my friend, I will be thinking of you. Hope you quickly get resolution to the issues plaguing you.
Posted by: oddybobo at November 17, 2005 02:02 PM (6Gm0j)
Posted by: vw bug at November 17, 2005 02:38 PM (2+gaO)
No particular reason. Just not a good place right now.
In other words, hang in there. Blow off a little steam with some laughter (promise, you'll be laughing within the next 36 hours) and just flat out hang in there. From what I remember - there is nothing like the hug from a child to cut those cravings.
Posted by: Tammi at November 17, 2005 07:51 PM (7Mb5L)
I wish you had a good karate class to go to - sounds like you need some time with the pads on. Go a few rounds - hit and kick the ever livin' daylights out of someone. It's a wonderful thing - does ever so much to get rid of that anger!
Posted by: Teresa at November 17, 2005 10:04 PM (FZwDL)
Posted by: Ogre at November 18, 2005 06:30 AM (/k+l4)
Ogre; That is a damn good idea. I just need to get need to get some people together to go with me.
Posted by: Contagion at November 18, 2005 06:58 AM (Q5WxB)
Well, that, and the fact that if I give up and give in to self-destruction, I've let the bastards win.
But it's damn hard to keep fighting. Damn hard.
Posted by: Jenna at November 18, 2005 09:41 AM (f/kUC)
I must say, you've done a great job staying sane with all the crap you've been going through and the proof is, you're not back *in the bottle*. Even with your comments (jokingly) about what a *bad* dad you've been, I've seen you with your boys -- you're a great dad!
You've got a lot of people cheering you on, man. I've learned that even when we think we're alone, there are *true* friends who are always with us
(though it's a pain when ya gotta take a crap). Sorry, that just popped up in my head from behind the sacks of quicklime. :-P
Posted by: Wes at November 19, 2005 12:48 AM (XKQLY)
I wonder... how would I make it through my day without knowing I have little people that I must be there for?
So... Yup... I think you need to go shooting again, as Ogre said. If you think it will help, it is constructive and you need to do it.
Posted by: Bou at November 19, 2005 10:09 PM (cttIU)
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