May 21, 2006
1)Must cost less than $100 unless you bastards are willing to cough up the dough for whatever sick shit you inflict on me.
2) Must not be a criminal offense. Sorry folks, I have a family to support and I'm not going to jail and/or getting a permanent criminal record for your amusement.
3) Must not lose me my job (see above).
4) No genital piercings. Self explanitory (and besides, do you really want to see photos of my pasty nads with steel bits through 'em?)
5) Must not get me killed. Remember, the whole idea is that I live another 35 years, remember? Possibly in shame after this is over, but alive nonetheless.
6) Must not end up in divorce. In other words, the conjoined albino midget hookers aren't an option. Sorry guys. I'm sure this will end with me being in trouble (I'll be in trouble after Maranda reads this post) but nothing that's actionable in court, please...
7) No permanent body modification. I'm not getting anymore tats just yet.
No eating Lutefisk. Or other horrible poisonous things like scat, urine, eyeballs, etc.
9) No making me dress up like Emma Peel. This woman gets irate when I suggest that. In fact, I'm taking "Grau in drag" off the table as being too horrible to inflict on humanity in general.
Then as if this wasnÂ’t just down right goofy enough, he has decided that T1G, Harvey and myself are going to be the judges to pick and enforce this crisis. (Yea, the man is pretty daft.)
To make sure I don't wuss out, and to pick the submissions to be included in the final poll, three shall be chosen to make sure the sentence is properly enacted. I haven't asked them yet, but I'm sure that Contagion, T1G, and Harvey willrelish the idea of torturing and humiliating mewill be fair and impartial judges. Being chosen to execute the sentence does not disqualify any of them from submitting entries. God help me.
About know if you’ve read him in the past, you know he is very familiar with the individuals that he picked as judges. That means you have to be thinking, “Grau, you’re one stupid son of a beaotch.” Because you know I’m going to jump all over being a judge. Even if that means I have to sit in a room and watch him have a full body wax. Sure I may end up in counseling for it, but I’d love to see his reaction when they hot wax his balls. Picture if you will a big man crying and screaming for his mommy. Yea, I may be scared from seeing his pasty nads… but the mental image of him screaming already is making me chuckle.
So head on over, make your suggestions. Make sure they are good. We, er I, want something I can make fun of him for years about.
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May 20, 2006
I want my facial hair to be longer so that it fits in better with re-enacting the period IÂ’m portraying. To me I want to try to do the entire package of re-enacting, including the facial hair. Ktreva just wants it so that sheÂ’s not even more embarrassed to be seen with me in public. When I showed her this picture she emphatically said no, and called her lawyer.
Either way, IÂ’m thinking I could pull off some of these great mustaches. However, the one above is my favorite.
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May 19, 2006
IÂ’m the Number 2 hit for Sensitivity Class on Google.
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May 17, 2006
I hate making new friends. ItÂ’s like change, and change is bad. That and IÂ’m not good at it. IÂ’m just waiting to see who goes next. I know they all say it's not me, but I know... oh yes, I know!
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(I know, not the same. but still!)May 06, 2006
I’m not the only one to have noticed this, and there is a guy that has dedicated a blog to the study of the phenomenon, Hot Chicks with Douchebags. It’s “pictures of hot chicks with total and complete douchebags. With commentary. The best thing about it is that the writer claims to be a douchebag himself, but is upset he can’t get any hot chicks.
IÂ’m not sure whatÂ’s better, the commentary or the really unflattering photoÂ’s of guys being hose heads, er douchebags! BTW, the kid above... I can't blame him. But the brunette is hotter, but the blondes boobages are more in his face. Tough decisions.
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April 19, 2006
Since I have no love for wrestling, I tried to talk my way out of having to go to this party. I tried everything from “You know I really hate wrestling, you wouldn’t be too pissed if I didn’t show, would you?” to “If I go, I’m just going to make fun of it the whole time.” The two friends of mine hosting it insisted I be there. I think that both of them have it in their head that they will win me over to becoming a wrestling fan. Both of them are pretty damn delusional.
Earlier that day I was supposed to go shooting. The weather didn’t cooperate, and I didn’t get to go. Since I had nothing better to do, I picked up some beer and headed to my friends house early. When I walked through the door Ton-loc (My friend who owns the house) wasn’t there. Our mutual friend J-man was there watching Nascar. J-man and Ton-loc have been friends for a long time, J-man tends to head there when he wants to get away from his wife and kids. Now if there is anything I dislike almost as much as Wrestling, it’s Nascar. The only time I find Nascar remotely interesting is when there is an accident. Any competition (Nascar is not a sport) that only appeals to my sadistic side is not one I want to watch. J-man is a huge Dale Jr. fan, so of course to get myself in the mood for that night's festivities. Cracking open a beer, I sit down and start the conversation with, “So has Dale crashed yet? Ya know he’s going to lose right?” Yea, I’m a good man. He smarted off something about he’s in tenth place. So which I respond with, “That makes him the 9th loser right? Because there is only one winner, every one else lost. They just lost at varying degrees of suck.” J-man looks at me as I finish my first beer and says, “You’ve been here 10 minutes, you’ve already drank one beer and are being a complete arsehole already. It’s going to be a long night, isn’t it?" Of course I respond with, ”Well I asked if could get out of this, both you and ton-loc said no, deal with your bad decision.”
Wrestlemania was as bad, if not worse then I had anticipated. By the time the show started, I was over halfway through the case of beer. Each match I’m sitting there tearing into it, making fun of the whole thing spouting off insults and just laughing at the cheesy acting and script. Now, there was one match that I actually got into. There was some kind of no-holds barred match where the wrestlers could use weapons. One guy comes in with a baseball bat. After a couple of hits he throws it out of the ring. I’m screaming at the TV “What the fark!?!?!?! Don’t throw the bat out, go Babe Ruth on his kidneys!” The other wrestler had barbed wire wrapped around him, and he pulled it out and was cutting the shit out of bat-boy. At one point barbed wire man had the barbed wire around bat-boy like he was choking him. “Pop his farkin’ head off!” came out of my mouth before my sensitivity filter kicked in. The other people in the room are looking at me as if I was the one trying to garrote someone. Barbed wire man jumped out of the ring and picked up a baseball bat… wrapped in barbed wire. I think at this point I actually laughed amusedly. Again, I’m cheering on to use the barbed wire wrapped bat to beat the ever-loving snot out of the other guy. Nope, just a couple of cuts and then they pull out aluminum cookie sheets to hit each other with.
Yes
ThatÂ’s right.
They gave up bats, for aluminum cookie sheets. I sat down in my chair and went off on a tirade that I swear is still hovering over Rockford and causing women to blush and children to plug their ears. CÂ’mon I could smash your skull with a bat, but IÂ’m going to use an aluminum cookie sheet that forms itself to the contours of your face when I hit you with it. It was like a farking cartoon folks!
After the cookie sheets, one of the guys goes and moves the stairs into the ring. There is a pair of brass knuckles and some kind of bag. Of course Mr. Sadist here is screaming for the brass knuckles. The other people in the room are starting to get panicked. One of the guys runs and grabs me a beer thinking he could distract me from my hope of impending violence. Both fail when the idiot grabs the bag instead of the brass knuckles. ”That damn bag better be filled with lead shot.” I mutter under my breath. Nope, no lead shot. Tacks, brass thumbtacks are what are in the bag. What the hell, this sucks. You could be rearranging the other guy’s skull, but no you are going to tack him down. FARK!!!!!
Then the wrestler pours the tacks out all over the ring. The other wrestler grabs him and body slams the guy that dumped the tacks out onto said tacks. When the wrestler got up, his back and arms where covered in tacks. He looked like he was wearing studded leather. That was actually cool. The match went on and there was some fire and some other stuff and the studded bat-boy ended up winning, but that was the only match I enjoyed.
The Losers My friends got all excited about the women wrestling matches. I was less then enthralled by it. Unless they are wrestling in pudding, I just don’t care. Ton-loc asked at one point during one of the matches, ”Do you have to work hard to be that big of an arsehole, or does it just come naturally?” I explained it’s all natural.
As soon as the event was over, I took off and headed home. It was 4 hours of my life I will never get back.
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April 16, 2006
For today he, Jebus, has risen.
(From two days of drunken escapades)
more...
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April 01, 2006
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At no point did I ever think to myself, “Hey, I want to go see that Brokeback movie”. However, after seeing this poster I’m thinking of possibly going to see the sequal. I can just picture it now. Jessica Alba and Halle Berry out in the woods, rubbing each other down with sunscreen. One thing leads to another, the next thing you know they are tongue wrestling. Flash to a seen where Eva Longoria is bathing in a lake, Sara Foster comes up and helps her wash her back, her hands drift below the surface of the water. Eva glances over her shoulder, a coy smirk on her face. Sara starts to…
Â…sorry I got a little carried away there. You get the idea. I think IÂ’m going to go wake my wife up now for some, uhÂ… back washing.
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March 31, 2006
People, of all the things that I am, a “raselin’” fan I am not. Since then I’ve tried just about everything to get out of going to this stupid party. Including saying, “Yeah, you know I really don’t like `raselin’, so there isn’t any reason for me to go.” They, however, keep saying I should go just to socialize. I’m thinking I could socialize much better at a local strip club then during Wrestlemania.
This whole thing kind of vexes me. IÂ’m used to people NOT wanting me around, not trying to get me to go do something. Oh well, I gave them my word, so on Sunday IÂ’m going to go watch a bunch of sweaty men grapple with each other. (I canÂ’t believe I just typed that.) Before I go, IÂ’m heading out to the local black powder range and doing some shooting. ItÂ’s been too long since IÂ’ve shot black powder and my season is starting. Plus maybe if I show up smelling like the bowels of hell (Burnt black powder smells like sulfur and arse), they might let me get out of there early.
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March 13, 2006
Many of these people were not from my current unit, so I didnÂ’t know who they where. After a while, I forced myself to stop being such a wall flower and try to talk to some of the people I didnÂ’t know. When I saw a table that had a group that I didnÂ’t know sitting at it, I walked up. Taking a seat, I waited until they finished their conversation to introduce myself. IÂ’m thinking I should have been a little more aggressive to save the following situation from happening.
Worker A: IÂ’m not sure who he is, do you?
Worker B: IÂ’ve never met him; IÂ’m not sure who he is either. Do you know anything about him?
Worker C: Not at all, heÂ’s from the other office.
(At this point IÂ’m getting ready to interrupt, introduce myself and inquire who they where talking about.)
Worker A: All I know is that he got the promotion. I heard he is an asshole.
(Only two people received a promotion at work in the last couple of weeks, and only one of them was male, me.)
Contagion: I donÂ’t know, I always thought I was a pretty nice guy. Hi, IÂ’m (Contagion).
The looks on their faces was classic. I sat and talked with them for a little bit and even bought them a drink. We laughed about the whole thing. There is a chance that one of them may end up reporting to me next week. To me it would be better that they feel comfortable with me, then to be worried about some kind of imagined repercussion for an incident of gossiping outside of the work place. ThatÂ’s just not something I do, nor do I want them thinking that way of me. As far as IÂ’m concerned, what happens outside of work can not be punished at work. In fact that is the corporate policy.
Personally, IÂ’d never risk it. You never know what is going to happen and who is going to try to get you in trouble for an imagined slight after hours at the local bar.
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March 07, 2006
Hey, IÂ’m all for trying to raise money any way you want. But I find this absolutely appalling. What heÂ’s doing is a travesty and should be stopped. He has to think about how this is going to affect his family. Thus I refuse to donate any money to the preservation of Jill.
I mean cÂ’mon if your going to kill and eat a goat, donÂ’t wait a year. It gets too stringy. Personally I think he should let it age about two more months and then eat it. It should still be really tender and have a great taste. Hell, if he wants IÂ’m sure I can get Wes to give him the recipe for his Scottish Goat Chili! Everything is better with goat!
Let's face it folks, that delicious walking roast is not going to raise that kind of money in a year, why let the meat go bad?
Update: It seems that JimmyB, the Conservative UAW Guy, has even gotten into trying to ruin to meat!
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February 14, 2006
It all started at 11:00 this morning. The employees could go into the break room and for a $1.00 buy a carnation for someone else. Then some poor sap would deliver the flower to the recipient. Yes, that poor sap was I. Come to find out; this whole thing was a fundraiser for some charity. AKA, my company was bilking the employees for free advertising. You donÂ’t believe me? Let me explain it to you.
When companies, especially large companies like what I work for, do fund raisers for charities it is so they can get their names in the papers. When that charity goes to various places they can list the XYZ Company as a benefactor. Since most of these companies either match their employeesÂ’ donation dollar for dollar or set a flat fee, they end up paying in most cases not more then 50% of the donation. Basically the employees foot the bill to spread the company name. Trust me, IÂ’ve sat in on the committees for these drives.
Anyway, IÂ’m way off topic here. Sorry about that, just a little side rant. At first delivering these flowers was annoying. I didnÂ’t know who 90% of the employees where nor where they sat, so it took me forever to deliver them at first. But after the first 30 minutes it started picking up, and I actually started enjoying myself.
I work with mainly females, I believe it’s about 90-95% female environment. When I would start to walk down the rows the females would look on in hope and anticipation. Their faces read, “Mr. Contagion, please stop here. Give me a flower. Confirm that people like me, give me some hope that I’m not an unwanted loser.” Then as I passed them by, as was more likely to happen, the look of rejection was priceless.
Their sagging heads and slumped posture just screamed out, “Nobody loves me, I have no friends. There isn’t even anyone that likes me enough to pretend.” Upon noticing this the first time, I started watching for it. Sure enough every row, every isle, every flower I delivered there was at least one person that would get the look of rejection! There were a handful of women that did the same thing every time I passed. Each time getting more and more dejected, at one point I thought one of them would implode from the stress.
Then to make things even better, whoever planned this did a horrible job. They only bought 400 flowers to sell. We have almost 700 people in our office. Some people where buying flowers by the dozen and giving them to one person. One girl I probably delivered close to 20 flowers to in the course of an hour. We had completely sold out by 11:45 AM and the sale was supposed to go on until 2:00 PM.
People who waited to buy flowers never got a chance. Some of those rejected individuals may actually have had a chance of getting a flower if there were enough to go around. When I noticed that we were starting to run out, I quickly bought a flower for Ktreva (Remember we work together) and delivered it to her. She didnÂ’t need that unloved feeling. As a bonus it denied someone else a flower!
All in all it was actually fun. I may even do it again next year.
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February 02, 2006
At work, all my peers are doing this “Biggest Loser” competition. They are all trying to see who can lose the most weight over the next three months. All of them are female, and not a one of them is by any shape or form fat or even what I would consider overweight. If one of them is overweight, it can’t be by more then a few pounds.
They started this at the beginning of January. ItÂ’s been a month and they are all comparing to see where they where at and what methods they are using. Now insert the big arse factor. ItÂ’s been a month with no chocolate for them, and they are all chocolate fanatics. What do I do? Yes, I bought a couple of bags of candy, ReeseÂ’s peanut butter cups and Hershey kisses. I put it in a tin that I use to distribute candy and left it on the edge of my desk. ItÂ’s not uncommon for me to put candy out for people, I do it when my inventory looks good or when the minions do something exceptional. This time it was different.
My desk is right by the two most used conference rooms in the building. With all the meetings we have, my peers have to walk past my desk at least 3 times a day. They also have to come over when they want something from me or another peer that sits in the next cubicle. If they want to see the manager, they walk right past me. After a month of depriving themselves of chocolate, the pull is too great for them. They have been snagging pieces every time they walk by. IÂ’ve gone through all of my candy.
I was going to buy more to keep it up, but IÂ’m not thinking itÂ’s so funny anymore.
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January 30, 2006
Now in a little about her post she states that I called her Maranda as I thought it was her name. That isn’t correct. When I first met her I was gung-ho about going into Law Enforcement. So I started calling her Miranda as in Miranda Rights. (MIRANDA v. ARIZONA, 384 U.S. 436 (1966), You know: “You have the right to remain silent…”)
Now to be honest I did think that her name was Maranda, but thatÂ’s not why I called her that. I was just hoping she'd excercise her right. 
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January 26, 2006
Most of us know what a Troll is. Those nasty commenters that come to a blog for no other reason than to leave nasty and snarky comments trying to get a response from the blogger and their regular commenters.
Troll baiting is when you post something or make a comment that the whole purpose is to get a response from a Troll.
Wife Baiting, which is much duller than it sounds, is when someone does something to encourage a wife to continue doing something to the husbands chagrin.
Sarah had encouraged Ktreva to continue blogging, thus giving me less computer time. She was wife baiting. Unfortunately she took it to mean that Wife Baiting is when you do something to get the husband in trouble. Why would I care about that? I get myself in plenty of trouble on my own, why do you think I have to keep buying Ktreva jewelry.
Sarah, upset at her valiant attempts being flushed down the drain, finally resulted in the most loathsome of all activities. She posted a comment on her own blog under the guise of it coming from me. For shame Sarah, for shameÂ…
I do have to be honest; it was fun egging her on. Especially when she was getting frustrated. I feel sorry for the next blogger she decides to be “not very nice” with.
I'm also starting to wonder if she doesn't have an unhealthy obsession with me.
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January 25, 2006
Go over, welcome the guy back to the land of the living, oh, and watch out for trolls. Apparently, they multiplied while he was away.
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January 17, 2006
CÂ’mon, thatÂ’s just funny!
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January 14, 2006
...and I'm not telling!
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January 13, 2006
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