I know that I am a disturbed individual. Things that normal people don’t think about tend to be part of my daily thought process. What I find humorous is often seen as being mean. People don’t always understand my dry and dark sense of humor. However if you are playing a prank on someone whom the rest of their office views as “the bad guy”, my warped and twisted mind is appreciated. Before I go any further, I must establish that the subject of this prank is not a “bad guy”. She is a very nice person that has a tough job, the same job I do only without the mentoring aspect. In fact she would probably make a better mentor then I do because she seems to like people and has a hard time being a real hard case when she has to be. It’s just that she has to make other people do their job and if they don’t she takes them to task for it. Thus she is viewed as a “bad guy”, much like myself.

I was mainly in Chicago for a training class, however I had a lot of extra time before class, during breaks, lunch and after class. In order to check items out and try to keep up with what everyone is doing, I would take over her computer. The first time I did this she told me that her mouse was acting up and she thought she would need a new one. She had an old roller ball style mouse and the only problem it had was many years worth of dust build up on the rollers. I very easily cleaned them off using my trusty Swiss Army Boy Scout knife. In doing so I accidentally unplugged her mouse. When I went to plug it back in I discovered that her computer is very easily accessible.

I went back to class and was sitting there after I finished the assignment. I started talking to the guy next to me. He works in our tech support area and he told me they just received a shipment of wireless optical mice and they are playing with them to see if it is something that they want to extend to the entire company. As soon as he said that a light went off in my head. I asked if there was anyway I could obtain the use of one wireless optical mouse for a day. He wanted to know why so I gave him a brief synapses of my plan. He then told me he would bring me one the next day.

Thursday morning IÂ’m in class and he shows me the mouse, all I have to do is plug it in a USB port, restart the computer; windows and the network will do the rest. This was going to be too easy! After class I went up my mentoreeÂ’s desk and asked to use her computer. I waited for her to leave and I quickly unplugged her real mouse, plugged in the new one and restarted it. I left the cord to her mouse leading to the back of the computer so that it looked like it was plugged in. When she came back I told her I had finished checking my e-mail and that she can have her computer back. This is where the fun starts.

As she sits down, I pull the wireless mouse out of my pocket and try to mimic the way she was using hers. This gave the illusion she was controlling the pointer. I didnÂ’t do a great job, but she was used to her mouse working like crap so she didnÂ’t think twice about it except to complain she needs a new mouse. Finally she got mad and slammed the mouse on the desk. Now I really start to play with her mind. Whichever direction she would move the mouse; I would move the pointer in the opposite direction. If she would right click, I would left click. She is starting to get mad and is telling me her mouse is really screwed up and she knew there was something wrong with it. IÂ’m biting my tongue to keep from snickering.

Trying to be the helpful mentor that I am, I suggested she rotate the mouse so the cord is pointing towards her. At least then she could get the mouse to go in the right direction. The poor lady actually does this. Now of course as soon as she does I keep flip my mouse around so that I can mimic her motions again, thus making it look like the mouse has corrected itself and is following the movement that coincides with her mouse. She tells me the problem seems to be fixed and flips her mouse around. I do the same thing. Now however I start clicking the button to make menus and windows open.

She is getting so mad that her mouse isnÂ’t working and the Tech area hasnÂ’t come to fix it all day. (Because they are in on it, in fact my partner in crime is watching from three desks back). Her minions are starting to come over to see what the problem is; they however are not in the joke so they are wondering what the hell is wrong with her mouse. All was going well until one of them noticed the red light reflecting off my pants leg and asked me what that was. My mentoree turns, looks at me, IÂ’m grinning ear to ear. She looks at the mouse in my hand, realizes what is going on and looks like she could bite the head off a hammer. I start laughing, tears are starting to fill my eyes IÂ’m laughing so hard. Her minions are laughing now, the tech support guys are laughing. She finally cracks a smile then starts to laugh with us.

I had her going for a good thirty minutes. She felt that since I played this joke on her and “embarrassed” her in front of her minions that I should let her keep the optical wireless mouse. After explaining that it wasn’t mine and that I borrowed it from the tech support department she relented on keeping it. She then wanted to know who my contact was because in her own words, “I’ve worked in the building for 15 years and I don’t have a contact in the tech support department, you’re here two days and you have one. That’s not fair!” Unfortunately I had to deny her request. I always keep my sources to myself; it helps to protect them if I need them for another prank later on.

It was shortly after this incident she came up with the top ten reasons my mentoreeÂ’s hate me. The rest of the time I was in Chicago, her minions would go out of the way to say hi if they saw me.

Posted by: Contagion at 09:48 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I was talking to one of my minions at work about a problem she is having with her neighbors. This made me think about my neighbors. My neighbors leave me alone. They donÂ’t come over to borrow things; they donÂ’t send their kids over to sell me things. I used to have a neighbor that I would stand at the fence with, talk to, and drink beer with when we saw each other out at the same time. The man was a lawn care fool. He loved mowing his lawn and trimming his bushes. He always had the nicest manicured lawn in the neighborhood. He had a nice wife and two nice kids. Boopie used to play with the kids when he wasnÂ’t in school. They decided to move to a bigger house out of the city about a year ago. I genuinely miss them. Now the only neighbors I have on the block are all scared of me.

The new next-door neighbors that moved in try to avoid making eye contact with me when they are outside. Once I tried to get the wifeÂ’s attention and I swear she shielded her eyes with her hand, quickened her step and shooed her children into the house. The husband doesnÂ’t seem to be home too much, but when he is he generally doesnÂ’t acknowledge me either and tries to avoid eye contact. A couple of SaturdayÂ’s ago, after dark, my wife thought she heard someone in the backyard. I went out the front door to see if I could figure out who it is. The new neighbor was sitting on his back porch and when he saw me stalking the yard, he asked what was going on. That was the first time he has said more then two words to me in 4 months.

All my other neighbors go out of their way to avoid me. They’ve all seen me swinging swords, cleaning fire arms, sharpening knives, building artillery carriages, hauling in large packages marked “WARNING: EXPLOSIVES! BLACK POWDER FOR SMALL ARMS!” teaching my kid the most appropriate and easy way to kill a person with a toy sword. I received the best reaction when I told Boopie once, “If you hit a person in the femoral artery they will die quickly, however if you make a nice deep belly wound they will die a slow painful death. If you are lucky, any allies or friends they have nearby will try to help save his life. Now you have effectively taken 2-3 people out of the battle. However, you could also kill the people giving aid when their backs are turned.” I didn’t realize one of my other neighbors was outside watering plants with her kids and they had heard it. Shortly after, they moved out as well. Go figure.

There is an upside to being the scary guy in the neighborhood. Nobody messes with my house or property. There was a string of minor burglaries in my neighborhood. My house and the neighbor that I liked were the only houses not hit. I think the entire neighborhood warns anyone new that moves in about me. I do know that they refer to me as “The Scary Guy”. One day I was out in my back yard scrubbing and swabbing out my musket when this family goes walking by on the sidewalk. I hear the little girl ask, “Mommy, look its The Scary Guy, the one Mr. Brown told you about.” The mother and father hurried their daughter along; I just sat back and grinned. In addition, another time one of the neighborhood kids came up and asked me if I was “The Scary guy” I couldn’t help but to assure him that I was with my patented child scowl.

I also donÂ’t have the problems with my neighbors that I hear other people talk of. They donÂ’t complain to me about the stuff I do. No one comes over to borrow anything. They donÂ’t pop in at odd hours. Their kids stay out of my yard and more importantly they donÂ’t use my cooler as a urinal. IÂ’m not asked favors. ItÂ’s a symbiotic relationship. I scare the bad elements away and they leave me alone. In general, life is good for me.

Posted by: Contagion at 03:55 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 I came in via a comment you made on Bad Example. I don't think your blog is crappy. And - I think you just described my husband. He's a "scary guy" too, although we haven't scared off any neighbors yet. But - I think the night he stepped out from the side of the yard with his 9 pointed at the stupid ass brat from up the street while said brat was trying to put a fire cracker in our mail box might be the reason we don't see the little smuck anymore - but who knows.

I'll be back -- you're forewarned! Wish I had a neighbor like you

Posted by: Jo at June 20, 2005 03:56 PM (eY7Ar)

2 You have got to move down by me. I need a scary neighbor. We have some real sh.tarse kids around here. They don't bother me... not sure why. But they have done so much damage to others. Sigh.

Posted by: vw bug at June 20, 2005 04:18 PM (CtQMD)

3 We must be kindred spirits. I'm referred to as the scary lady in my building after I woke up one early morning to the screams of my neighbor being beaten up by her husband. Since my husband wouldn't do anything, and I could have sworn he was killing her, I took one of my baseball bats and began pounding the door with it to either get him away from her or break down the door before he killed her.

When he came out he tried to hit me, BIG MISTAKE, 'cause then I was justified in using self defense. so after using his body for leverage to bounce him around the hallway. I eventually pinned him down on the floor until the cops got there. Shortly thereafter he and 2 of my other nearby neighbors moved out.

Like you, no one to my door, to borrow, sell, preach or ask for candy. Maybe its the sound effect of readying a shot gun that I have on tape that does the trick.

When I was single, I took perverse pleasure in scarying the kids that came to my door during halloween. I would plan my trick for months and spare no expense in the execution. I enjoyed hearing their screams as they ran down the hallway & scampered to get off my floor. They don't knock on my door anymore as the Scary/crazy lady label has stuck.

I'm fine with it since I don't like them much anyway!

Posted by: Michele at June 20, 2005 10:55 PM (ht2RK)

4 I like my neighbors... finally. We've been through a few.

I'll have to make a point if I ever come visit to make sure you come out to greet me out front so I can hug you... because... I know how much you hate being hugged and because then people will think, "Wait? Maybe he's not the scary guy..."

;-) just kidding.

Posted by: Bou at June 21, 2005 01:27 PM (z7nbM)

5 Hmmm. I'm the scary neighbor. My husband is the nice one.

Posted by: Oddybobo at June 21, 2005 02:59 PM (6Gm0j)

6 The incontinent whelps that inhabit my neighborhood would pee in your cooler too.

Posted by: Graumagus at June 21, 2005 05:57 PM (5MeM1)

7 Jo - Don't encourage Contagion - he'll only blog more! :-)

Posted by: Harvey at June 21, 2005 07:19 PM (ubhj8)

8 I get the same reaction from the neighbors because I'll be out in the yard wet-sanding a half-scale model air-to-air missile.

Posted by: Ted at June 24, 2005 06:52 AM (blNMI)

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These freak little storms that are hammering us need to stop. First off, they are very localized. It may be raining where I am right now, but half a mile away, it will be dry as a bone. It will be cloudy for hours and then the skies open up into a torrential downpour. Gallons of rain fall in a short period of time. The wind drives these fat drops with enough force that if you are inside a building it sounds like someone is ripping the roof off. They donÂ’t last long, about 15-30 minutes at the most, just enough to be annoying. These storms have been happening everyday since last Saturday.

If you are caught in one of them, you will be soaked. Trust me, I know. It happened to me yesterday. A local fast food restaurant, ArbyÂ’s, was having a sale. If you buy one sandwich, you get the second one of equal or lesser value free. My wife, T the Minion and I decided to go there on lunch. When we arrived, it was sunny and warm out. I parked Janine, my truck, in the only available spot I could fit her into which was on the far side of the parking lot. We went in ordered our food, which they screwed my order up, as they always do. ItÂ’s okay; they gave me a free summer-sized glow in the dark cup and drink to compensate for it. Hey, you can buy me off with $1.89 worth of pop in a $.60 collectorÂ’s cup!

We sat down and where half done eating when it happened. The skies opened up as Mother Nature squatted over the earth and took a long drunken piss on us mere mortals. The rain was hitting the plate glass windows so hard you could see them vibrate. I was waiting for the Skylight to shatter under the force of the driving droplets of destruction. The parking lot filled to a depth of a kiddy pool. The wind was blowing leaves and branches off trees. My wife and T decided we should wait for the rain to end. I played along, until the point where they would be late for work if we didnÂ’t leave. Being the bad guy, I had to advise them if we did not leave soon, they would be late back from lunch. We had to head out.

We go out the front door. We are under an overhang at the entrance with another patron and his two kids. I tell T and my wife I will unlock the truck and they need to run and get in. My truck has four doors, but the two rear doors are the reverse doors that only open if the front door is open. T was sitting in the back seat so I told him to go first, once he gets in, IÂ’ll go. My wife takes her shoes off because she canÂ’t run in heals and takes off after T.

As they are running toward the truck, I look down to my hand, there is my remote lock and my thumb starts to slide toward the lock button. That is when my fellow Arby’s patron say’s pointedly, “You’re going to lock them out, aren’t you?” My thumb slides away from the lock button, I point to my wife and respond, “Nah, I’m married to that one, She’d kill me.” The patron just gave me this look and said, “Yea, I wouldn’t do that to my wife either.” I had never seen this guy before, but it was as if he knew me. He knew I was thinking of locking the doors and having a laugh at their expense. It was like he could sense some kind of aura or presence about me that screamed out to the universe, “BEWARE! This man is an asshole! Watch yourself and others around him. You have been warned! This message will repeat in 10 seconds” I’m not denying the thought crossed my mind, but I had already decided not to do it when he asked.

After Ktreva and T were in the truck, I took off across the lot. At one point, I took a step and water came flooding over the top of my shoe, soaking my foot. When I finally got into the truck, I looked at Ktreva and T. We were all soaked, water dripping down our faces. I start the truck and head back to work. We were not more then two minutes out of the lot when the rain just stopped. It didnÂ’t slow down, it just went away.

We arrived at work with 3 minutes to spare. Ktreva and T where irritated because if we had waited and extra couple of minutes, we would have arrived to work dry and on time. I told them that no matter how much I would like to, I am prohibited in using my omnipotence in order to help them avoid the weather. Plus I did turn the air conditioner on to help them dry off! Did I mention the air conditioner in my truck could double as an industrial freezers cooling unit?

I didnÂ’t really mind getting soaked I felt the wet clothes where a good trade for the benefits. I think my wife looks sexy when sheÂ’s all wet. She hates it, but itÂ’s not about her! ItÂ’s all about her being wet in an air conditioned truck!

Posted by: Contagion at 12:28 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 917 words, total size 5 kb.

1 You are a very evil man....

Posted by: Bou at June 09, 2005 01:08 PM (z7nbM)

2 Yes, "evil" crossed my mind too!

Posted by: Oddybobo at June 09, 2005 01:19 PM (6Gm0j)

3 Cruel.. but funny.

Posted by: vw bug at June 09, 2005 01:32 PM (n+JjT)

4 I knew the minute you mentioned the AC what was coming next.

Men=Pigs

Posted by: Machelle at June 09, 2005 01:39 PM (ZAyoW)

5 SPOING! (x2)

Snicker

Posted by: Graumagus at June 09, 2005 02:45 PM (TzLVa)

6 MMmmmmmm girl+wet+chill :9

Posted by: S at June 09, 2005 07:46 PM (pVm4j)

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