Okay People, Fritz fest Â’06 is just over two weeks away. Some of you still have not confirmed your going, IÂ’m not going to single people out *Cough*Spurs*Cough*, but if youÂ’re planning on going you need to go over there and make sure you are on the list. T1G has been working his poor fingers to the bone organizing this thing and you could at least tell him if youÂ’re coming. ItÂ’s just common courtesy people!

If youÂ’re not sure whether you want to come, Leslie, the Omnibus Driver, has a very compelling list of reasons on why you should. Like any of you need a reason besides being able to be in the awe-inspiring presence of yours truly. Throw in the fact that I am going to be wearing a kilt and work bootsÂ… this is a must-not-miss!

So cÂ’mon, the more the merrier!

Posted by: Contagion at 12:40 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Johnny-Oh is questioning my man status. In this post about gift giving he left the following comment:

”I think I just learned one of the keys to your psyche "I’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years.” Dude, you've gotta turn in your "Man Card" for that offense. I would think that it was from the "Heap-Big" brainwashing you'd received from those nice ladies, but this happened BEFORE your visit with them.
(Sigh) This is how Metrosexuals are born you know.”

”Johnny-oh.. what part of that bothers you? I started shopping in November so I could avoid going the mall/stores during the busy time, thus not body checking an old lady and ending up in jail or the fact that I actually dwelled on that though for that long?”

”A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old (Yes, Contagion, I'm lookin' at you)”

But none of that is why I started my Christmas shopping early. Remember IÂ’m shy, well if you donÂ’t want to believe that because youÂ’ve heard lies from other people, then believe this. I have an overpowering hatred of groups of people I donÂ’t know. ItÂ’s like a mix of agoraphobia and xenophobia.

When IÂ’m in a crowded place like the mall, or stores what little tact and self-control I have flies out the window. This turns me into a big, angry, walking bulldozer. I become the arsehole that just plows through crowds. When my wife is with me she knows just to get in behind me and follow closely. IÂ’m like a fullback plowing through the defensive line, and sheÂ’s the halfback. All she needs to do is run through the hole IÂ’ve made. What she finds amusing is that most times I donÂ’t have to touch people, the look on my face makes them cringe or jump out of my way.

A couple of years ago my wife and I went to the mall to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I lasted about 10 minutes before my anxiety went into overdrive and I had to leave the building. We got what we needed and started our way to the parking lot. I like the parking lot, I don’t care if I have to park 10 miles away, it’s not crowded with people. The mall was packed with people, there was barely room to move, my brain shut down and screamed, “GET OUT NOW!!!!” The look was firmly set into my face, but most people had their backs to me. I just started pushing my way through the crowd.

My speed kept gathering and my wife was almost running to keep up with me. This poor little old lady, had to be in her 80Â’s at least, stepped into my way. My wife swears that I lowered a shoulder and body checked her into the crowd. I donÂ’t remember doing it, but I do recall the poor old lady going spinning off into the crowd like Darth VaderÂ’s fighter into space at the end of Star Wars. By the time we got the parking lot my firsts where firmly clinched and white, it looked like there was no blood in my hands. I donÂ’t know what I would have done if I had been in their any longer.

Now, since I have a family and really donÂ’t want to go to jail, I do my Christmas shopping early. Afterwards I go to the spa and have a full facial and chemical peel to rejuvenate my skin. IÂ’d turn in my man card, but I lost that years ago when I got married. ThatÂ’s when my wife threw out all of my flannels, tossed my girlie mags, and made me go shopping with her.

Sorry to have let you down Johnny-oh.

Posted by: Contagion at 06:30 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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T1G smacked me with a MeMe. I canÂ’t be too upset with him as I tagged him with one not to long ago. What meme is this? Apparently, Lee Ann of Lee AnnÂ’s View decided there were not enough MeMes in the world and that she wanted to reserve a seat on the buss to hell, so she created this one. ThatÂ’s right; there is a special place in hell reserved for people that create MeMes. (Oh, IÂ’m watching you now Lee Ann, IÂ’m watching you!) ItÂ’s a Christmas themed MeMe; you have to list your top five favorite Christmas movies, ones that get you in the spirit of Christmas.

Here I go:

1) A Christmas Carol. It doesnÂ’t matter which version you watch, but this is my favorite Christmas show. I say show because I especially enjoy it on stage. There is nothing better then watching actors use their craft to spin this DickensÂ’ classic. My favorite movie version is the one with Patrick Stewart, but the George C. Scott version is a close second.

2) A Christmas Story. I remember the first time I saw this movie. My family was invited to a Christmas party and the host had rented this movie for the kids. I was 11 and Ralphie reminded me a lot of myself. I could connect with him on a personal level. I quote this movie all the time, in fact over the weekend while moving boxes I made a comment about how the items where “fragile” (Fra-GEE-lay), which is French Italian! (H/t to Lee Ann on correcting that.) Of course, no one else got the reference.

3) ItÂ’s a Wonderful Life. I love this movie, but I have to admit to you something. IÂ’ve seen the whole thing probably a couple hundred times, but IÂ’ve never been able to sit down and watch it all in one continuous block of time. I always catch pieces of it on TV, or IÂ’ll have to stop the video to do something else. After 32 years of life, you would think that I would be able to do this, but I just canÂ’t. Every year I try, something happens, and I have to stop it or leave in the middle.

4) Santa Claus conquers the Martians. This is a cheesy 60Â’s sci-fi flick. The special effects are just that, special. The story is hokey and the acting is bland at best. Yet it makes me giggle every time I see it.

5) The Santa Clause. This movie is just hilarious. I havenÂ’t seen the sequel, so I canÂ’t vouch for that one. Tim AllenÂ’s performance in this is hilarious and I love the scene when he is walking through the shop and they have ZZtop playing in the background.

Well thatÂ’s it, my five. Now IÂ’m supposed to tag five people. Well whom to tag? Well obviously Oddybobo, like she wonÂ’t see this coming after tagging me twice in a row. I should nail Sarah of ThatÂ’s Not Very Nice, just for the hell of it. Next, IÂ’m going to tag CalTechGirl, I donÂ’t know if IÂ’ve ever tagged her before, but IÂ’m going to today. Hmmm, How about Johnny-oh of Closet Extremist, his choices could be interesting. Finally IÂ’m going to tag Ogre. Why Ogre? Well we all know how much he loves MeMes, plus he has his new festive blog design. This should be right up his alley!

Posted by: Contagion at 01:14 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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I have in my possession an object of sentimental and artistic value to someone else. Since this person just carelessly discarded said item under the seat of my truck, I feel I should teach them a little lesson. Therefore, I am holding ransom this stained glass picture of a sail boat. See the picture below.

If this person wants to get this priceless piece of art back, then need to follow my directions carefully.

1) Find four pennies. One from 1971, one from 1973, one from 1993 and one from 2003. Place a picture of all pennies on the Internet.

2) Find a set of busy railroad tracks. Place all pennies exactly 1 foot 3.25 inches apart along one of the rails. Again place a picture including measurements on the Internet.

3) After a train has flattened all four pennies, take a picture of the pennies and place on the Internet.

4) Place the pennies in a safe location where they will not be lost.

5) Find a ball, any type of ball; I donÂ’t care if itÂ’s a football, a baseball or a ping-pong ball. Take the ball to a local public establishment. Bar, Store, mall, again I donÂ’t care.

6) Get three people to have their picture taken with the ball autographing/initialing it. I donÂ’t care if you know the people or if they are complete strangers.

7) Place pictures of the individuals autographing/initialing on the Internet. You can hide their faces for their protection.

Place the ball with the pennies.

9) Make a sign that says, “I have an unhealthy addiction to candles.” Have someone take your picture standing along a busy roadway holding the sign and place picture on the Internet.

10) Have someone take a picture of you holding the pennies, the ball and the sign and place the picture on the Internet.

11) When this is done we will set up a location where we will exchange your property for the pennies, ball and sign.

These are my demands; they are not negotiable. If you fail to follow any of my directions to my satisfaction, I will be forced to do something drastic. You donÂ’t want me to do something drastic do you?

IÂ’m a man on the edge; donÂ’t make me do something I donÂ’t want to do!

Posted by: Contagion at 05:34 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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Everyone thinks IÂ’m too hard on my minions. People say that they donÂ’t respect and like me. Some have even said that I keep them so far away from me that none of them know or understand me. I say that all those people are nothing more then damn liars!

HereÂ’s proof that not only do my minions like and respect me, they knew me better then I thought they did.

This is my Christmas gift from a group of them. A bottle of Seagram’s 7, which happens to be my favorite cheap whiskey. Yes I prefer Jack Daniels, but I can get a large bottle of Seagram’s 7 for less then a small bottle of Jack Daniels. When I’m at home I generally drink 7&7’s. One bag of Ranch Corn Nuts, I love ranch Corn Nuts. My wife won’t let me eat them because they make my breath absolutely horrible. One pack of Listerine CoolMint PocketPaks, These serve a two-fold purpose. One is that obviously I’m addicted to the damn things, but also when I eat the Corn Nuts they’ll help me stay married. Finally “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks. C’mon folks, this is perfect! I’ve already started reading it and updating my own Zombie contingency plans. However, to be objective, the author of the book has some of his facts incorrect. When I’m finished reading I’ll do a full critique.

Now you tell me, do my minions love me or what?

Posted by: Contagion at 04:56 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Yesterday morning, I bundled up the family and braved the great world of retail. We had to do some more Christmas shopping and it was just easier to do it early on a Sunday then any other time. The stores werenÂ’t as crowded. DonÂ’t get me wrong, they where still crowded, just not AS bad. YesterdayÂ’s little excursion just cemented my opinion on something.

People just donÂ’t understand gift giving/receiving, including myself.

Ever since I can remember, I always hated Christmas shopping. IÂ’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years. The first thing I concluded on is that there are two different types of gifts. The true gifts where you want to buy somebody something and the obligatory gifts where you feel you have to get someone a gift.

When I want to get someone a gift, I have no problem coming up with ideas on what to get the person. Sometimes my ideas are good, sometime bad, but I always have an idea. When it’s an obligatory gift, I always have problems. I’m buying this gift not because I want to, but because I have to. This is when I start asking people what they want. In these cases, just tell me and I’ll get it for you. It cuts down on the time wasted by me. That’s not to say that I don’t ask for ideas from people I want to buy a gift. Sometimes my ideas don’t pan out or are just not feasible. Like this year, I wanted to buy Ktreva a very specific item. I traveled 4 hours round trip only to find out they didn’t have what I wanted in her size. Yes, I called first. But they don’t have a “hold policy”. My back up gift didn’t pan out either. Therefore, I had to ask for ideas.

Then there is the cost factor. I don’t know about everyone else, but I generally set a dollar limit on what I want or can spend per individual. With the amount of people, I’m buying for I want to make sure I budget appropriately. Nothing irks me more then when you ask someone what they want for Christmas and the items on the list are all at least twice, what you wanted to spend. For example, let’s say you have a sibling that you have no clue as to what to get them for Christmas. They give you a list that includes an Xbox, Play Station Portable, a new cordless drill and a 32-inch TV. You had planned to spend about $100.00 on this gift. Good luck, and of those items you can get for around that price is either going to be used or an off-brand POS. When/if I’m asked what I want for a gift, my answer is usually, “Nothing.” I don’t want people wasting their time or money buying me something. If they push the issue, I’ll give in and tell them to get me a gift certificate to some store. That way I can pick out what I want. If they give me $1.00 or $1,000.00, I don’t care. I just hope they wanted to get me a gift and didn’t feel they had to.

Then there are the non-gifts. The gifts that are given that really arenÂ’t for the individual it was intended. This isnÂ’t just the Hollweird sitcom situation of a husband giving the wife a bowling ball that is sized to fit the husband. Let me give you an example, Lingerie. Guys, when you buy some sexy slinky outfit for your woman, is that really for her or is it for you? LetÂ’s face it, itÂ’s for you. Unless your girlfriend/wife is a stripper, you are the only person that is going to see it. According to women, the sexy stuff isnÂ’t comfortable, so they arenÂ’t going to be wearing it around all day. This also applies to most electronics, especially kitchen appliances. If there is a good chance that the gift giver is going to be using it about 40% plus of the time. This should not be a gift. This should be a purchase you make on some day just for the heck of it. Now, as a caveat to that, if a person specifically and adamantly requests said item, that overrules this guideline. One year I was given a CD that my wife the gift giver thought I would like. She The gift giver ended up taking it to work and kept it for weeks before I had a chance to listen to it. Was that gift bought for me or for that individual?

Gift certificates are a no-no. Why? They show a complete and utter lack of thought. Now there are two situations when gift certificates are okay. The first is when the recipient requests them. Like myself, I would rather have a gift certificate to Best Buy, Gander Mountain, even the mall then anything else. There are items that I wonÂ’t buy for myself that I wonÂ’t ask for either that these give me a chance to get. Alternatively, maybe itÂ’s something I want to pick out for myself. Gift certificates are great in that case. Plus, I can save them up and instead of getting a bunch of smaller items; I can get one larger. IÂ’ve bought many big-ticket items doing that.

The second situation where gift certificates are okay is if it is for a place that provides a service. Trust me, when the guys went in and got me that $100.00 gift certificate for the strip club, I was in heaven! IÂ’m kidding, I donÂ’t even know if strip clubs do that, but if you own one and read thisÂ… think about it! What IÂ’m really talking about is for SpaÂ’s, salons, nail boutiques, etc. My wife likes to go to a local spa for treatments. Since she changes what she has done, based on her mood, I donÂ’t know which package to purchase. Even if I did, I canÂ’t schedule it for her. Therefore, if I want to do something nice like that for her, I have to get a gift certificate. Just make sure that if you buy a gift certificate itÂ’s at a place the recipient will use it.

IÂ’m sure there are other no-noÂ’s or rules to gift giving I havenÂ’t thought of yet. If anyone has any they would like to share, I would appreciate it. This list is just what IÂ’ve observed and concluded on this year.

Posted by: Contagion at 12:25 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 Wouldn't it be great if everyone in the circle of gift giving would just abstain from giving gifts and just allowed everyone to keep their own money, they would have spent on everyone elses present, and buy themself one cool kick ass present.

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at December 19, 2005 11:44 AM (fk/lm)

2 I'm into restaurant gift certificates. Gives me an opportunity to get out. But I generally don't want gifts that I have to give ideas for. if you don't know me, don't buy me gifts. Unless it is chocolate . . .

Posted by: Oddybobo at December 19, 2005 11:59 AM (6Gm0j)

3 God I hate obligatory gifts. Of course, I'm going out today to buy a few of those, because I hate the family guilt trips more than the obligatory gifts, but still.

I actually had a few things in mind for people that I actually *want* to get stuff for but I spent too much time searching, and as it turns out I'll only be able to get the stuff mail-order if at all there's no way I'd be able to get them by christmas now - maybe I'll have to make the belated gifts or something...

Posted by: Shadoglare at December 19, 2005 01:25 PM (gqkOY)

4 We love food, I mean loooove food.

We ask for gift certificates to different restaurants so we can try them.

Family refuses to get them for us saying they are not real gifts, so instead they go buy some useless gift we never use. Wastes their money and our storage space at home.

Posted by: Machelle at December 19, 2005 02:55 PM (ZAyoW)

5 Worst part is - for my parents and my husband's father... what do you get people who have the stuff they want and don't ever really go anywhere or do anything?

Years ago I asked if the family could halt the gift giving thing. Husband and I were flat broke with a child and everyone knew this... but I was the scrooge because I didn't want to give useless gifts for which I had no money!

So, now I give Borders gift cards to the nieces and nephews. I did get something for my dad... since my sister insisted (she called and told me what to get him - then when I called her back to tell her it was being delivered to the house... she said "I already got him one of those"... I said - oh well, he'll have 2 then... GRRRR!!!! )... still don't know what to get my mom. Man I hate this crap!

Then today I went out and bought something for a friend... and had no trouble at all. Amazing how that works!

Posted by: Teresa at December 19, 2005 04:50 PM (FZwDL)

6 I think I just learned one of the keys to your psyche "I’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years.". Dude, you've gotta turn in your "Man Card" for that offense. I would think that it was from the "Heap-Big" brainwashing you'd recieved from those nice ladies, but this happenned BEFORE your visit with them.

(Sigh) This is how Metrosexuals are born you know.

Posted by: Johnny - Oh at December 19, 2005 06:16 PM (aPsUA)

7 Johnny-oh.. what part of that bothers you? I started shopping in November so I could avoid going the mall/stores during the busy time, thus not body checking an old lady and ending up in jail or the fact that I actually dwelled on that though for that long?

Posted by: Contagion at December 20, 2005 06:58 AM (Q5WxB)

8 Well, I WAS going to give you the gift that keeps on giving, deer hide, but eh, they all had holes in them.

Posted by: Raging Mom at December 20, 2005 10:23 AM (L+bvJ)

9 When buying for women, remember this truism:

"If it has a cord, it isn't a gift"

Pretty sure that it's the opposite for guys.

Posted by: Harvey at December 22, 2005 06:51 AM (ubhj8)

10 Check out http://www.gifts4ladies.co.uk/

They have fab ladies gifts!;-)

Posted by: Gina at March 14, 2006 07:29 AM (u2AnQ)

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IÂ’m getting ready to head out to help Tammi get her move on. That means I wonÂ’t be here for my normal amount of disturbing Saturday posts. Since I knew you all would be disappointed in me if I didnÂ’t, and to prove my newfound sensitivity is gone. I found something special, just for today.

Do you have a favorite sex toy? Are you worried that it gets cold when it’s not in with you? Do you worship an ancient evil and are just waiting for it to “rise” again? If so you need this!

Yes folks, someone made and auctioned it, I just reported it. I guess maybe I should start referring to Mr. Happy as “The one eyed tentacled evil monster that is Cthulhu.”

Posted by: Contagion at 07:23 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Yeah, and now that the Cthulhu one has been sold, you can get the Trogdor edition, which I would have posted a link to but your spam blocker is being a dickmunch

Posted by: Shadoglare at December 17, 2005 11:25 AM (7/W5a)

2 ROFLOL..... LOL... LOL.... SIIIIIIIGH...

OMG! ROFLOL... LOL... LOL...

LMAO

Posted by: Michele at December 19, 2005 12:16 AM (beN4P)

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Just a few minutes ago I was getting clone ready for bed. I had taken his clothes off and was getting his sleeper when in one swift motion he pulls his unit out of his diaper and very proudly states, “Dada, I pee!”

He then proceeds to urinate on me.

He was so proud of his accomplishment. I, however, was more disturbed by the fact that he thought it was okay to pee on me. Needless to say after cleaning him, the floor and myself up he went to bed with a stern talking to about where and when to pee

Posted by: Contagion at 08:27 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 111 words, total size 1 kb.

1 I shall now refer to you a Sweet Lou.

Posted by: phin at December 16, 2005 08:54 PM (DGPlf)

2 What a pisser, eh?

Heheh... I'm not laughing at you or Phin's comment. It's customary to laugh WITH you. So I will. Heheheh...

Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 16, 2005 10:28 PM (5+o3O)

3 *spits beer out of mouth*
It's just funny O.K......
It's just funny`...
How was the aim???

Posted by: spurs at December 16, 2005 11:28 PM (27GT7)

4 BWHAHAHAHAHA!

How many times have I heard you threaten to pee on someone, and THAT happens? I won't lie, I'm laughin' atcha!

Posted by: Wes at December 16, 2005 11:29 PM (XKQLY)

5 LMAO!!!!

Posted by: VW Bug at December 17, 2005 07:41 AM (SCN6v)

6 Hey, look on the bright side: Clone could have said "Dada, I POO!" and have had the explosive shits....

Posted by: Graumagus at December 18, 2005 12:52 PM (kczXy)

7 You have made my day and I thank thee!

ROTFLMAOAP!

Posted by: Machelle at December 19, 2005 09:55 AM (ZAyoW)

8 LMAO! Oh man, that sucks. Oh, and I am laughing at you too! none of this sensitive crap for me.

Posted by: oddybobo at December 19, 2005 11:54 AM (6Gm0j)

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Okay I still want to win that T-shirt from Dr. Phat Tony. Apparently my underhanded attempt to pilfer links didnÂ’t work. Thus IÂ’m trying something a little different. We all know he is trying to get the number one Google hit for History of Thanksgiving, History of Discovery of America, How to Join the Canadian Army and Girls Gone Wild. Apparently heÂ’s already number one for Humpback Midget. On a side note, because of this IÂ’m turning up as number three for Humpback MidgetÂ… IÂ’m thinking he intended this to be a side effect.

What am I going to do? If I thought it would help, IÂ’d walk around here with my dick hanging out, not that IÂ’m making any campaign promises! ItÂ’s Phat TonyÂ’s contest and his rules IÂ’m trying to follow. IÂ’m not trying to make any new ones up, and even though heÂ’s a helpful guy and likes to answer questions. Sometimes those answers come with a price and require people to do thingsÂ… unusual.

HeÂ’s very passionate about various topics, especially home remodeling. Sure, sometimes a sense of humor is lost on him. But this time of year he can be very sentimental.

The poor guy has issues dealing with his family's past. However he always has an open post for a blogless friend. Also he is always readily available with advice and stories to learn from.

Hopefully this helps me out.

Posted by: Contagion at 01:05 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 This put you in the lead.

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at December 17, 2005 02:42 PM (SXElV)

2 I might just have to give up!

Posted by: Pandy at December 17, 2005 03:55 PM (zhhNQ)

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Last night Shadoglare stopped by to say hi and to pick up an old computer I had. Out of the kindness of his heart, he is building a computer for his Sister and nephew. Since it was such a noble cause, I thought it would be the nice thing to do by donating this old one I had.

He stuck around for a while chatting. We debated the evils of firearms, alcohol and strip clubs (including places like hooters). I tried to explain to him that firearms are dangerous and should be outlawed, even having them in house a child could get their hands on one and hurt themselves or others. No matter what I said, I could not get him to accept that alcohol is the root of all evil, that it is a cancer that creates problems in society. The drinking of alcohol should be illegal as people arenÂ’t smart enough to stop drinking on their own. Strip clubs are degrading to women, just having them in town is inviting all kinds of moral depravity and the subjugation of women. When I explained I was quitting re-enacting because it was cruel and an unethical treatment of animals, Ktreva had a conniption fit.

Shadoglare refused to accept what I was saying. It was then that I was forced to ask him to leave. I could not have his lack of morals and ethics corrupting my family. After he left I sat down to play some football on my Xbox. As I was sitting there, I realized how barbaric football is and decided that I should not watch it anymore. Grown men slamming into each other, they could get hurt. Football is nothing more then a modern day gladiator fight that should be outlawed. It was then that I decided I was never going to watch football again.

I went into my office and started taking all of my Green Bay Packer memorabilia off the walls. Ktreva shouted out, “That’s it, I’ve had enough” and stormed upstairs. When I finished getting everything down, I went to the basement to find some boxes to store the items. When I came back upstairs, Ktreva was standing in the living room wearing a cheerleader outfit, holding a large glass of Jack Daniels and swinging suggestively around my Brown Bess Musket.

I was shocked!

Walking into the living room, I say to my wife, “My love, you should not degrade yourself in this manner. You should respect yourself and your body as a woman. Alcohol is a cancer on society, you shouldn’t be drinking. And that is a gun you have there. Even if it is obviously unloaded and there is no flint in the hammer, you could hurt yourself…”

Then I heard what I had just said.

That didn’t make sense. My brain started arguing with itself, logic and fact versus what I had been saying. With out thinking I grabbed the glass of Jack Daniels and swallowed it in one quick gulp. It had an effect on me like spinach to Popeye. Strength and warmth spread through my veins. My head started to clear. “How could a gun be dangerous if it’s obviously unloaded? There is no powder in the pan and the flint is missing so even if it was loaded, there was no way for it to ignite.” Looking up to say something to Ktreva, I saw her sitting there in a cheerleader outfit looking at me coyly. I grabbed her and pulled her upstairs. Then I proceeded to exert my male dominance over her again and again and again…. and again.

After I was finished I went, back downstairs and starting putting my football stuff up on the walls. I read back through the drivel I had been posting and I realized; the damn sensitivity class took a hold of me for two whole days this time. If it takes at all, itÂ’s usually just for an hour or two. I think my resistance is starting to wear down. I need to work on that.

Well itÂ’s been a week since IÂ’ve made someone cry, so today at work IÂ’ll go fishing for someone to make cry. Also, there are some new employees and one of them is a hippy. I think IÂ’m going to go do some corrective atmosphere control on them with some soap and water.

Damn Hippies!

Posted by: Contagion at 12:28 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 737 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Phew. I was hoping she would come to the rescue. I was considering finding her email and sending her a note. ;-) While your posts made me LMAO, I missed your old ones.

Posted by: vw bug at December 16, 2005 02:03 PM (SCN6v)

2 Thank God. You have returned.

Posted by: DE644 at December 16, 2005 02:08 PM (0sVlQ)

3 Was it single barrel Jack?

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at December 16, 2005 02:36 PM (fk/lm)

4 Excellent. No more horseshit. That crap was getting old.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 16, 2005 03:56 PM (17sxh)

5 That's better - this is the Contagion we know how to deal with ... heh!

Posted by: Barb at December 16, 2005 05:07 PM (jvG2F)

6 To Everyone: YOU ARE WELCOME!

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Posted by: ktreva at December 16, 2005 05:46 PM (e8b4J)

7 All hail Ktreva! I knew you'd bring 'im back!

Posted by: Wes at December 16, 2005 11:34 PM (XKQLY)

8 Well, technically, even an unloaded gun can inflict blunt impact trauma, so it's still dangerous.

You're a reckless man, Contagion...

Posted by: Harvey at December 17, 2005 06:37 AM (ubhj8)

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Good afternoon my good people, it warms my heart that you have taken the time to stop by and visit with me again today. I can see from some of your comments on a recent post, there is some concern for my well-being. Let me lay aside your concerns now, there is nothing conceivably wrong with me. However, I have taken some offense to terms used in my comments.

First off, my companions were not hippies. Both of them were well-groomed and clean individuals. There is no way a hippy would have worn the clothes nor carried the handbags these two had.

Secondly, I think we should refrain from using the term hippie. It symbolizes a turbulent time in history. Instead, I feel that these individuals should be referred to as the hygienically challenged.

Next, people where insinuating that I was drugged and/or under the influence of alcohol. Let me assure you that no mind altering substances where inducted into my system. In fact, IÂ’ve decided that IÂ’m going to cut back drastically on my drinking. IÂ’d say quit, but I just donÂ’t know if I could go cold turkey right now.

IÂ’ve been discussing with Ktreva giving up re-enacting. Since it not only promotes the senseless murder of animals, the use of firearms AND subjugates women to subservient roles, I feel this is a harmful environment in which to raise my children. After the beginning of the year, IÂ’m going to sell off all my equipment. There are plenty of re-enactors our there that would be willing to pay bottom dollar for my stuff.

IÂ’m also going to take my firearms to be melted down. It was wrong of me to purchase that pistol recently. Ktreva was against it from the beginning and I decided to but it anyway. It was wrong of me to go against her wishes. It was also wrong of me to endanger my family by bringing firearms into the house.

The embarrassment over how blind IÂ’ve been could just make me weep. Thankfully, the persons IÂ’ve been talking with the last three days have enlightened me. Now I have a chance to mend my ways before itÂ’s too late.

Thank you all for stopping by!
<HUGZ>

Posted by: Contagion at 03:55 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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T1G was nice enough to through up a mini blog just for the impending blogmeet. Well to be honest he lost everyone's e-mails and is too lazy to go try to find them by searching his comments.

He is trying to drum up as much participation as possible. If you are planning on going, please head over and vote for food. The food has to be ordered in advance and he wants to know what everyone wants. He also has prices listed for each item.

there is also a list of people that have committed to coming.

There are some names on there I don't see that should. I won't single out those individuals, but you know who you are.

Posted by: Contagion at 12:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Christmas Naughty or Nice List I am on the The Nice List After checking the North Pole database I had : 1,626 nice entries 427 naughty entries Check your name on the Christmas Naughty or Nice List at JokesUnlimited.com

Blatently stolen from CalTechGirl.

Posted by: Contagion at 06:40 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Hello! Did you miss me? Of course you did! I donÂ’t know why I even asked as you wouldnÂ’t be here if you didnÂ’t miss me. As some of you may have remembered I was away at sensitivity class for the last two days. Golly gee that was fun. Not only was I able to see the errors of my ways, I also made some new friends. One of them is the president her local chapter of PETA. We spent a lot of quality time talking to one another over the last two days. I also was able to spend a lot of time with a nice anti-gun Chicago Democrat. I sure learned a lot from her as well. Why? Well I was sitting between the two of them.

It sure was nice getting to know them. Before you ask, no they where not what I would consider physically attractive, but the both were beautiful individuals in their own way. My life has been greatly improved by sharing time with the both of them AND learning from our discussions. They made some very interesting and valid points that have changed the way I view the world.

Since I just got back, IÂ’m pretty tired and I want to spend some time with the boys. IÂ’ll type up the rest tomorrow.

Oh, and before I forget. Thank you. Thank you all for stopping by and taking time out of your busy days just to visit me. I appreciate your kindness.

Posted by: Contagion at 07:02 PM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
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I had a brief discussion with a minion of mine today that led to an interesting question. Since we were unable to come to a consensus with everyone we asked, I decided to share it with you to see if you might share your opinion.

With all the medical and scientific knowledge that we have today, we know that certain things are unhealthy/bad for us. Such things as smoking, excessive drinking and over-eating we know will cause health complications that could lead to death.

Since we know that, if a person dies from an illness that was brought on or a direct result of smoking, drinking or over-eating, did that person commit a form of suicide? And if so would they be denied to the right to go to heaven?

Posted by: Contagion at 03:43 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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1 Wow, first it really depends on what faith you buy into. Say, Catholicism, if you were to repent, ask for forgivenance, complete some sort of pennance, and not repeat the offense that got you in the predicament if the first place; Heaven is still obtainable.

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at December 12, 2005 02:55 PM (fk/lm)

2 Nope - not until they can prove conclusively and 100% that the eating, drinking, or smoking would always kill you...

Think of it this way - a person severely allergic to peanuts... you know the allergy that kills several children and some adults each year... now if they know they have this allergy and they then go home, open a jar of peanuts and proceed to eat - THAT could be considered suicide.

BUT with most eating, drinking, and yes even smoking... the effects generally take years to make themselves known AND not everyone dies from indulging in these activities... not even a majority of people might be said to die from these activities. Plus there is the fact that we don't know enough about genetics to understand why one person who does everything wrong will live to be 100 and another does everything right and dies of cancer at age 25...

Before there is a correlation with suicide - the activity MUST lead to death - and that fairly quickly. Otherwise, like speeding a bit in a car - it might be risky behavior, but not expected to lead to death. Therefore not suicide.

Posted by: Teresa at December 12, 2005 03:12 PM (FZwDL)

3 I have to disagree with Dr Tony, Catholics will always get into heaven.

All you have to do is confess your sins on your death bed and get forgiveness and your a shoe in for heaven.

Plus overeating, smoking and drinking isn't one of the 7 deadly sins and your not breaking any commandments with those so you have nothing to worry about.

Posted by: Machelle at December 12, 2005 03:23 PM (ZAyoW)

4 Actually Gluttony (over eating) is a deadly sin.

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at December 12, 2005 03:27 PM (fk/lm)

5 I am so not getting into heaven . . .

Posted by: oddybobo at December 12, 2005 03:50 PM (6Gm0j)

6 "could lead to death". Everything could lead to death, including accidentally stabbing ones self in the eye with a communion wafer and dying from a horrable gruesome eye infection.

One really has to watch it with the "could lead to death" stuff. :-)

Posted by: Sarah at December 12, 2005 04:08 PM (DnDmi)

7 hell in a handbasket all the way.....

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at December 12, 2005 08:18 PM (2PEda)

8 Machelle: ANYone who asks forgiveness, even on a deathbed, and is sincere, is a shoe in, not just us Catholics. (Ain't Grace a wonderful thing?)

Gluttony (an over-indulgence in anything, not just food) IS one of the 7 deadly sins, but not because it can kill you; constantly over-indulging in ANYTHING, is considered a "deadly sin", for it's something we put between us and God. It's a death of the spirit, not the body, that concerns God most.

That being said, I don't see how drinking, smoking, or over eating can be forms of suicide, UNLESS you're eating, drinking, or smoking something that you know FOR A FACT will kill you immediately.

Just my $.02 worth.

Posted by: Wes at December 12, 2005 08:55 PM (XKQLY)

9 I'm with the majority here -- nope. Anything COULD lead to death.

Posted by: Ogre at December 13, 2005 06:22 AM (/k+l4)

10 Eat, Drink & Be Merry (and watch football)! Worry about that other shit later. BTW- I think I'll get the job of Bus Driver on my trip to Hell!

Posted by: Shawn at December 13, 2005 09:08 AM (9vBnd)

11 "Life is an inevitably fatal sexually-transmitted disease."

Everybody dies. As I see it, the sin in suicide isn't in dying, it's in refusing to use what life you have to help fulfill God's Will. Making poor choices and possibly messing up your future isn't the same as deliberately choosing to deny God's plan for your future by making sure you have no future at all.

And yet it's still sin. But sin can be forgiven. And I'm not qualified to say who will be denied Heaven by God - that's His job.

Posted by: Jenna at December 13, 2005 11:06 AM (f/kUC)

12 What's this heaven that you speak of??? Will there be booze, food and smokes...I sure hope so...

Posted by: spurs at December 13, 2005 11:30 AM (tdOZ4)

13 Okay, can't say anything about overeating... yet..., but as far as drinking and smoking:

Drinking is good, and good for you. We see all the time that dark beer is healthy, or wine has benefits. Is it suicide by health kick?

And smoking, while it can damage your life, also is responsible for many people being alive. Most smokers I know will kill folks if they can't get their smoky treat. Surely, they'll be forgiven for slowly killing themselves, in order that others won't suffer a violent death.

That's the best I can do...

Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 13, 2005 12:47 PM (4Cmvi)

14 Shawn: I call shotgun!

Posted by: Wes at December 13, 2005 03:02 PM (XKQLY)

15 Hmmm... I'm thinking suicide would probably be defined as a deliberate attempt to take one's own life - and bad habits, although we know they're not good for us, aren't really deliberate suicide attempts.

Driving 55 in a 45 zone also increases my chances of death... I don't think that counts as a ticket to hell tho...

Posted by: Shadoglare at December 14, 2005 07:47 PM (/T7Ab)

16 I consider smoking and drinking as a "repentable sin".
..recalling the incident when the Pharasees were making a mockery of the _temple of Jeruselem_ by deeds of evil.....
later in the Bible...
Jesus tells us "the body is the temple of God and life is his gift to us"....
aren't we making a mockery to the 'temple of god' (viz) our body by destroying it part by part by smoking drinking......

[[[Many say that drinking is not a sin and that depends on their conscience. They give the example
that people drink in the cooler regions to keep them warm arent they sinning to survive?]]]

Drinking creates heat in the body which is sometimes necessary for survival. We should leave it to our conscience to decide whether we should drink or not.....

but at the thought of conscience, we should remember that every human has two conscience' , bad and good. The good c and bad c always contradict each other. and many a times the bad wins......
.... but we can strengthen our conscience, and the
best way to do that is by ceasless PRAYER......
.. in prayer we should make it a point to ask the holy spirit to strengthen our Good c and to give us the Gift of wisdom, which will help us to discern between good and Evil.


Robert D'Almeida(Jesus youth-India)
rbrtcda@yahoo.co.in

Posted by: Robert at January 06, 2006 10:20 PM (EPnvw)

17 "[[[Many say that drinking is not a sin and that depends on their conscience. They give the example
that people drink in the cooler regions to keep them warm arent they sinning to survive?]]]

Drinking creates heat in the body which is sometimes necessary for survival. We should leave it to our conscience to decide whether we should drink or not....."

Unfortunately that is not accurate. Drinking gives a false sense of warmth. It actually thins the blood and makes on more succeptable to hypothermia. So no, they are not sinning to survive.

As for the original question. After doing more research on the subject, the key to suicide is intent, not the result. If a person is over-eating, drinking or smoking, even though and contrary to some opinions, they know it will lead to health problems and ultimately death, unless they are doing said activities with the intent to cause their own death it is not suicide.

Posted by: Contagion at January 06, 2006 10:33 PM (e8b4J)

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As many of you know IÂ’ve been trying to win a t-shirt from Dr. Phat Tony. IÂ’m going all out, and I thought I was doing pretty damn good until I saw this post over at What Panda.

"Good ol' Phatty is a wacky fellow, and he likes getting votes! Being a big campaign supporter of his, I've decided to try my hand at helping his most recent campaign. I think he's getting a bit lazy- he sure asks for help a lot. He still answers our questions, though. Okay. I'm sorry. Someone like Phat Tony needs all the help he can get, he gives so much to the blogging community.

He educates us, with famous postings like The Discovery of America and The History of Thanksgiving.

His unfailing patriotism is also an admirable trait. "Join the Canadian Army!", he tells us, but we know it's because he doesn't want any more touchy-feelyness in our Army. Plus he doesn't pass up any chance to slam the French.

When people ask me who Phat Tony is and why I am voting for him, I tell them-Phat Tony is a national treasure."

DAMMIT! There where more links in that then in my entire posts. What am I going to do? IÂ’m not that talented, maybe I should think of something underhanded and sneakyÂ… (Evil Grin)

Posted by: Contagion at 02:47 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Do you have friends that are hard to buy for? Furniture is always a good thing, especially if it is sexy furniture. How can furniture be sexy? Well check this guy out.

I donÂ’t think IÂ’d have a problem polishing those tables.

Posted by: Contagion at 10:18 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Do you hate cats? Have you not found a sport you felt you could really enjoy? Then I have a surprise for you. Wisconsin Divorced MenÂ’s Club Organizes First Ever Cat-Olympics. From the state that originally legalized feral cat hunting, we have an organized event all men can enjoy.

Divorced dad Elvis Weems elaborates:

"Well, they wouldn't let us hunt cats like we wanted, so we did the next best thing. We have over a dozen events planned this August in Oshkosh, including the tabby-hammer toss, cat fishing, cat-put, cat-a-pult and kitty-discus, to name a few! Should be exciting. We can get our rocks off in spite of the fact we can't hunt cats, so this is the next best thing!"

This comes from Oshkosh, Wisconsin, that isnÂ’t too far from my house; I may have to enter my wifeÂ’s cat, Gertrude! IÂ’m kidding, hun, IÂ’m kidding. WellÂ…

Posted by: Contagion at 10:13 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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THIS. IS. WRONG. I really wish I had not taken the time to watch this. However, being the fine upstanding arsehole that I am, I felt the need to share it with all of you. DO NOT WATCH THIS.

If you do, itÂ’s your own fault. I donÂ’t think I can drink beer again.

Posted by: Contagion at 10:05 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Picture this scenario. You are getting ready to go out on the town for the night. Nothing will stop you from going, yet you know youÂ’re going to run into someone that is going to start trouble. YouÂ’d like to bring something with for self-defense, but itÂ’ll clash with your outfit. Oh what will you do?

Never fear folks, your buddy Contagion has the answer for you. Think brass knuckles! What’s that you say? “Sure they are shiny, but they just don’t look like jewelry.” How wrong you are, someone has been thinking about you and your needs! Rhinestone covered brass knuckles!

“These real brass knuckles have been covered in rhinestone make them chic, sexy, and dangerous.”

Better hurry up and get your pair for all the impending parties coming up!

Posted by: Contagion at 10:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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