October 29, 2005
Three, fourÂ… Better lock your door.
Five, SixÂ… Crab your crucifix.
Seven, EightÂ… Better stay up late.
Nine, TenÂ… Never sleep again.
Happy Halloween.
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First we drew the design on a piece of paper, then we gutted and cleaned them both out. Clone loved this part; he could not get enough of the disemboweling of pumpkins. It was his desire to just through the pumpkin guts on the ground that was annoying. Finally we get around to actually carving the designs into the pumpkins. Boopie did his own this year. He wanted to do it by himself. Clone also wanted to do it himself. I put my foot down, much to his chagrin, and carved it for him. Here are the final products.
From all of us in the Contagion household to all of you, Happy Halloween!
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October 28, 2005
What do you think, post or no post on Fridays?
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Reasons Halloween is better then sex.
10. You're guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.
9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.
8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
7. Less guilt the morning after.
6. It doesn't matter if they fantasize you're somebody else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.
2. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
1. You can do the whole neighborhood!
Bonus: If you get a stomach ache, it wont last 9 months.
AND:
Ten things heard on Halloween that sound dirty, but aren't.
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
7. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
6. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack!
4. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
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I was in the right lane doing 55; there was a Lexus in the left lane just ahead of me, also doing 55. We came upon a slower moving Buick in the right lane. This is when I decided I was going to switch lanes and pass. As I checked my mirrors, I saw this green Saturn come flying up behind the Lexus. The Saturn didnÂ’t slow down until it was right on top of the Lexus. They where so close I swear that the bumpers could not have been more then a foot apart at times.
After I had passed the slower moving Buick, I changed back to the right lane. The intellectually challenged driver in the green Saturn (With dealer plates) stayed on the bumper of the Lexus. At this point, IÂ’m not sure if the Lexus driver was nervous or just trying to get the Saturn to back off, but they started gradually to slow down. Like by a mile an hour every 2 minutes. This means that I am now starting to pass both vehicles on the right. Just as I am almost right up to the Saturn, still inches away from the Lexus, the mentally myopic driver just whips into the right lane.
The flaming butt nugget was so close to me in my truck that I could NOT see the trunk of their vehicle. I of course slowed down to avoid an accident. But in a most uncivilized manner, I switched my headlights to high beams. At 6:30 in the morning, itÂ’s still dark out here. My headlights are high enough to shine right into the back window. They are also bright enough to cause physical pain to anyone that is caught unaware by them. I left my high beams on for the next quarter of a mile until I turned off the main street. Part of me was hoping the driver of the Saturn would turn off to confront me; I really would have loved to vent some anger onto this asshole. My more responsible and civilized parts however did not want anything more to do with the dumbass.
Just in case any of the drivers involved actually find this post, I have this to say.
To the driver of the Lexus;
IÂ’m sorry if I blinded you with my headlights. It was a very juvenile and assholish thing for me to do. I let my anger get the best of me and you innocently suffered. You handled this situation with more class then I did. My most sincere apologies.
To the Driver of the Saturn;
One day you will cause an accident, not just any kind of accident, but a serious one, possibly with fatalities. At the speeds we were traveling, there was absolutely no reason for your boorish behavior behind the wheel. There is no excuse for trying to squeeze in one car length closer just so you can get to work maybe 30 seconds faster. If you are running late, try to get your arse out of bed earlier, especially on days when you have to scrape frost off your windows. You are damn lucky I donÂ’t know what dealership those plates belong. If I did, trust me, by now I would have called them AND the police to file a complaint. Even if that meant getting my own speeding ticket. If there is a hell, I believe there is a special place for drivers like you.
P.S. If you didn’t notice, the ¾ ton extended cab/extended bed Truck I was driving had almost three times the mass of your little four banger. If something had happened, I would have crushed you like the roach you are under my size thirteen shoe.
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| King Edward I You scored 75 Wisdom, 81 Tactics, 53 Guts, and 60 Ruthlessness! |
| Or rather, King Edward the Longshanks if you've seen Braveheart. You, like Edward, are incredibly smart and shrewd, but you win at any costs.... William Wallace died at his hands after a fierce Scottish rebellion against his reign. Despite his reputation though, Longshanks had the best interests of his people at heart. But God help you if you got on his bad side. |
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Which Historic General Are You Test written by dasnyds on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
I saw this over at There's one, only and had to take it. You all know my love of history... What surprises me is that being a Scottish Re-enactor, I scored as the most brutal butcherer of Scots.
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October 27, 2005
So guys if you want to put your 2 cents in, go vote. Ladies if you want to vote, please give me details of who and why. Especially if it involves pudding. 
UPDATE: It appears since the time that I found this vote and today they closed the voting. Sorry.
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05:25 PM
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How big is your beer belly?
Powered by the mighty Rum and Monkey.
For those of you that are beer challenged, that is 13 cases of 24-12 oz PLUS three more bottles. The most beer I drank in one day was almost 3 cases. That was back in college when I used to drink and not the light weight I am today.
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The boy put on shorts again this morning.
He looked shocked when I told him calmly to change.
How calm was I? My voice was barely a whisper. Why was I so calm? If I didnÂ’t maintain that level of calm, I would have killed the boyÂ… or at least woken the neighbors up from my yelling.
He is going to need all the help he can get to survive the next 6 years.
And you all wonder why I drink. j/kÂ… well not really.
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Bleak Wristbands. ThatÂ’s right, rubber bracelets wristbands for those of us that donÂ’t care about other people. You have the choice of ones that say Despair, Apathy or Nihilism. Who brings us this wonderful new product? No other then Archie McPhee & Co, the company that brought you Bacon Bandages.
To be honest I wouldnÂ’t mind getting one of the white apathy bands to wear at work, just to see how long it would take one of my minions to notice.
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October 26, 2005
To me jury duty gives me a chance to see something I love in action and to be a part of it, the American legal system. When I worked in Law Enforcement, I loved court days. Sitting in the courtroom, hearing the cases, listening to the lawyers fight for their clients by presenting or spinning facts, just being a part of the legal system. Watching the judge and jury listen to everything and mull over the evidence. Seeing the beauty of years of defining constitutional rights and to see them applied to an individual case, was their fourth amendment rights violated, where they denied due process, etc.
Too many people I have talked to either view it as a waste of their time or, in a couple of occasions, a way to get out of work. IÂ’ve even heard people telling each other what to do to get out of jury duty. This really pisses me off. As a citizen of the United States it is your duty to serve on a jury, it is an obligation and a way to uphold our way of life. How? When you sit in the jury box, and the lawyers present their cases, you are helping to enforce our laws and constitution. If Slick Johnny gets off on a technicality because Officer Jones performed an illegal search of his vehicle, hopefully Officer Jones learned from his mistake so next time someoneÂ’s constitutional rights arenÂ’t violated. If Scary Bob is convicted of a crime due to overwhelming evidence, then you just helped uphold the laws of our country.
Think of it this way. If you ever had to go to court (innocent or guilty) who would you rather have on the jury, someone that is there wishing they where somewhere else or someone that is actually interested and excited to be part of the system? I know I would rather have someone that is paying attention to the case. That way I don’t have to worry about my fate being determined by someone with a “gut feeling”.
Now I have to sit and wait to find out if they will actually pick me to serve on the jury. The last two times I was called up I was dismissed. Once when I was in college, because I was studying law and the second time I was working in Law Enforcement. What I really would like to do is serve on the Grand Jury. In Illinois, it is a six-month assignment every other Wednesday. IÂ’d be in heaven. To hear that many cases and to decide if there is enough to indict would rock!
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October 25, 2005
Fast forward to yesterday morning; Boopie is getting ready for school. It is a balmy 40 degreeÂ’s outside at 6:30 AM with a forecasted high in the 50Â’s; the boy decides it is a good day to wear shorts. At this point, my wife, who loves mornings, strongly advises him that he cannot wear shorts to school. HeÂ’s not happy about this, but he changes and spends the rest of the morning pouting about it.
Fast Forward again to this morning; I’m in the kitchen getting lunches ready when I hear my wife say to Boopie again, “It is too cold to wear shorts, go change.” With out missing a beat in a very flippant and disrespectful tone of voice I hear Boopie respond with something like, “You didn’t do my laundry. I have no clean clothes.” (Boopie is supposed to take his laundry to the basement for washing; he has been told that if he doesn’t bring it down it will not be washed. He didn’t take his laundry down.) That was it for me this morning. I was raised in a household were children show proper respect to all adults, but especially their parents. There was no way I was about to put up with that.
I walk into the living room; heading straight for Boopie. As soon as he makes eye contact with me, he knows he did something wrong as his eyes start to bulge in fear. Yes, my kids have a healthy respect and fear of their father. With my hand firmly on the back of his neck, I guide him into the kitchen. The whole way from the living room, through our office to the kitchen he is make choking noises.
The first thing I say to him once I let him go is, “Just so you know it is physically impossible to be choked from the BACK of your neck, so knock that crap off.” If I had him by the back of the neck and was able to choke him, his neck is either really small, my hands are really large or a combination of the both. Either way that’s not the case here, my hand only goes maybe 3/5 the way around his neck. That and it wasn’t as if I was squeezing it. I love my son, but he is a bit of a wimp when it comes to things like… pain, fear, getting in trouble, being sick, etc. He then tried to say he wasn’t making choking sounds, to which my wife called him out on it.
Now I’m telling him my standard dad speech number 2, “You will show proper respect for adults both in your actions and your tone of voice. Until you, yourself are an adult, I will not tolerate you talking to adults in that tone of voice. You had better knock it off and knock it off now or you are going to learn this lesson the hard way.” For Boopie the hard way is making him clean his room thoroughly AND writing hundreds of sentences.
Ktreva goes back to explaining to him again that if he does not take his laundry downstairs and tell her it needs to be done, she is not going to do it. Then she advised him that it was still too cold for shorts anyway. In the same flippant and disrespectful tone he mouths off, “How was I supposed to know it was going to be cold?” I believe he realized he screwed up right as the words left his mouth as he, (and Ktreva) took a step back from me. Looking him dead in the eye I calmly ask, “Did we not just go over this? Is there something in your head that prevents you from thinking before you speak? Do you really want to make me mad?”
A squeak emits forth from his mouth. I’m fairly sure that squeak translated into “Yes, Yes, and NO” in fearinesse; a language mastered by all boys when they have incurred the wrath of the fathers.
He was still pouting when he left with Ktreva for school, but apparently, his tone of voice was much better. Before he left, I made sure to explain to him that shorts will no longer be worn to school until late spring. IÂ’m just curious to see if he tries to put them on again tomorrow. It wouldnÂ’t be the first time, nor the last time, he pulled a stunt like that.
For all of you that have younger kids, this is what you get to look forward to happening with yours. ArenÂ’t you excited?
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October 24, 2005
- Excuse 1:
I had my favorite re-enactment of the season on the 15th and 16th. Some of you may recall that I got engaged at this event AND had part of my honeymoon there. ItÂ’s also the last event of the season for us. That means we wonÂ’t see any of our re-enactment friends for almost 6 months. IÂ’m close with a lot of these people, but like in the blogosphere, we donÂ’t live near one another. Some of them travel in excess of 12 hours to get to some of the events we do.
- Excuse 2:
My place oÂ’ employment sent me to Texas for 4 days. It was not a pleasant trip, and I so wished I could have gotten online at night to blog about it and to read your blogs to get my mind off everything. Unfortunately, I donÂ’t own a laptop to take with me. Even if I did, the sucky hotel stuck me in a room that didnÂ’t have internet access.
- Excuse 3:
With all my traveling around, I had to spend some quality time with my wife. Sure, we did the re-enactment together, but during the day, I was either talking to the public or fighting in the battle. We didnÂ’t spend any real time together, and contrary to my surly and uncouth appearance, I know that if I want to stay happy I do need to spend some time entertaining my wife in matters outside the bedroom. Although usually the first leads to the latter, which is yet more motivation for me.
The problem with spending all the time away is that I am so behind in all the blogs that IÂ’m not even going to try to catch up. There are hurricanes, politics, jokes, emotions, complaints, rants and even the occasional profession of pure emotion out there. For me to be able to go back 11 days and read them all would require me to take a lot of vacation time, and I canÂ’t do that. This means I am sure some of you have written brilliant pieces that I will be worse for not reading.
So if any of you have written a post that you are really proud of or if you read someone elseÂ’s post that you feel that it would be a crime against the blogosphere for me to not read, please the url in the comments for me.
My normal smart arse and generally unwanted comments will resume in all of my regular reads starting tomorrow. That reminds me, IÂ’m getting ready redo my frequent visits list, if I visit your site often and you donÂ’t see your site on my list, also leave a comment. I tend to forget where IÂ’ve been and what IÂ’ve done.
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When I was younger I used to frequent Hard Times a lot, it was one of the few bars that actually played metal in Rockford. Until Saturday, I had not stepped foot in there for 8 years. That place has changed a lot over the last 8 years. It is still a metal bar, but the lay out of the place is completely different. Plus it wasnÂ’t as busy at it used to be, all night it never got crowded.
At this point, I would love to give you a review of the bands, but to be fair I cannot. It has nothing to do with how much I had been drinking; it has everything to do with the craptacular company the bar brought in to run the sound. The bands were supposed to start playing at 9:00 PM; however, they couldnÂ’t get the sound system to work properly until 10:45 PM. Even after the sound was working, they had the volumes on the channels messed up. The Bass guitar and drums completely drowned out the lead guitar, rhythm guitar, vocals and in one bad the keyboard. (BTW, just a hint to people that plays in metal/rock bands. KEYBOARDS DO NOT BELONG IN METAL/ROCK!)
Then they had the sound cranked so loud that you couldn’t even yell at the person next to you to convey your displeasure at the ineptitude of the sound crew. Imagine if you will, people in this small bar trying to listen to a band, consisting only of drums and a bass guitar being played deafeningly loud. I know the saying, “If it’s too loud, you’re too old”. Nah, when it’s so loud you are getting feedback echo, turn down the volume! When someone said something to the sound crew regarding the issues, they were promptly blown off with a, “We are being paid to do this, we know what we are doing!”
Before the bands started playing, I shot some pool with one of the guys, “C”. While growing up, I always had a pool table in our house, so you would think I’d be decent at it. Well I’m not! I don’t really like shooting pool, so I don’t play very often. “C” used to be in a pool league. I still won 4 out of 6 games. Three of those wins had nothing to do with skill, he scratched three times on the eight ball. In C’s defense, it wasn’t exactly him either. The table was warped and it leaned towards one of the corners. If you gently hit one of the balls, you could see the ball’s path curve with the table. Once we figured that out, we did make some beautiful shots that neither one of us normally would be able to make.
We all had a really good time, excluding the crappy sound and including me drunkenly rubbing my nipples and screaming, “Davey! We love you!” to make fun of some of the girls dancing at the foot of the stage. Any night that I end up buying myself Prairie Fire shots (Half Tequila and Half Tabasco) is a good night. The pickling of my brain made the Packers loss to the Vikings on Sunday a lot less painful.
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October 21, 2005
1) You cannot bring a lighter into the airport. There were no signs stating such, so I didnÂ’t think about it as I walked through the checkpoint with a lighter in my pocket.
2) Security does not appreciate when you try to bring contraband through a checkpoint. They tend to make quite a show of it.
3) If you put the lighter in your purse you can bring one past the checkpoint, you just canÂ’t have it in your pocket. My traveling companion was able to get two lighters onto the flight.
4) Before you let the shuttle go that took you from the airport to your hotel, make sure it is the right hotel they dropped you off at and not the closest one. Some of those drivers do NOT want to drive any further then they have to.
5) It is cheaper for more then two people to take a Taxi from the airport to a hotel then to take the shuttle.
6) Having reservations in a hotel (Crown Plaza Suites Park Central in Dallas, TX Sucks) does not necessarily mean they will honor the reservations, even with a secured late check in. Everyone in my group requested a smoking room, and not a one of us received one. The day before we all confirmed we had one.
7) Just because you (your company) pay a lot to stay in a hotel, it does not guarantee that the service will be good, the rooms will be cleaned, trash will be emptied and the staff polite. (Did I mention the Crown Plaza Suites Park Central 7800 Alpha Rd Dallas, TX 75251 sucks?) Everyone in my group had the same issues with rooms not being cleaned and rude staff.
Restaurants in hotels that suck, like the Crown Plaza Suites Park Central in Dallas TX, also suck. Service was very slow, the food was inconsistent (They have a breakfast buffet, the food was good one day and the same style of items were horrible or bland the next.), drinks were weak/watered down.
9) You cannot smoke in Dallas, TX. This means that if you are stuck in a non-smoking room because the Crown Plaza Suites Park Central in Dallas TX sucks and wonÂ’t hold your confirmation, you have to leave the building in order to have a cigarette. You canÂ’t even smoke in a restaurant or bar. This wouldnÂ’t be a big deal if those ripe bastards had put you in a damn smoking room! However, if you smoke in your current room, they very rudely informed me, that there would be an extra $50.00 per day cleaning chargeÂ… and they donÂ’t clean the room anyway!
10) If you smoke outside in some of the smaller communities you can get a citation for smoking in publicÂ… and you still canÂ’t smoke in bars/restaurants.
11) Parts of Texas are dry, as in no alcohol. In these areas, the only place you can get a drink is in a club that you are a member. I.e., you have to buy membership to the club in order to go in and get a drink. Fortunately, these memberships are relatively cheap.
12) People in Texas like to water down their alcohol. Every drink I had down there was weak!
13) Texas has a concealed carry law; the people are allowed to carry guns if they have a license. This means there are alcoholics out there in desperate want of a drink, going through nicotine withdrawal and carrying a gun. Needless to say, I tried not to piss any locals off.
14) Texans get pissed if you start to emulate their accents, even on accident. However, they find it “cute” when a northerner says “y’all”.
15) Before riding in a vehicle that you donÂ’t personally own, check to make sure the back seat is secured to the vehicle. Being flipped out of the back seat of a minivan as the NASCAR inspired driver makes a left turn at 70 mph is not a good way to start your morning.
16) The signs and displays telling you how big a carry-on bag can be in an airport are only for suggestion. No one that works for the airline will actually enforce how big an item can be. Therefore, if you take a full sized garment bag with what is obviously at least 4 days worth of suits, you can carry that on and cram it into an overheard compartment and no one will say a word to you.
17) People cannot count. When they say you can bring one carry-on bag and one personal item onto the airplane, that does not mean you can bring a three-piece luggage set AND your purse. I donÂ’t care if your bags are smaller then the guy who just jammed a large suitcase into the overhead, at least he only brought one.
1
If you are turned back to check in luggage because itÂ’s too big, you brought too many with, or because other people with large bags took up all the overhead space, donÂ’t spend the rest of the flight complaining to me about it. I donÂ’t care if you or other people canÂ’t follow simple directions.
19) If you travel with me, inevitably you will have the parent with the screaming kid right behind you on the airplane. Why people think any child under the age of five will travel “nicely” on a plane is beyond me.
And finally:
20) You can spend 6 hours sitting on your arse (in the car, airport, airplane, bus, any combo, etc) and when you get home, you are seriously exhausted. I have yet to figure out why this is.
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October 17, 2005
Why were we so popular? For the first time I ran the still. We had it set up and making whisky… well okay I was distilling water due to federal law. However, the public didn’t need to know that, and back in 1756 there were no laws about that in the frontier. Thus, I told them all I was making whisky. The interaction I had was wonderful. Other re-enactors would try to trade me for whisky through out the day. And I even walked to some of the other trader displays with gallons of “whisky” to trade them for supplies I needed. What was great about the whole experience was the fact that everyone was curious as to what I was doing.
When public would go walking past, sometimes they would do a double take at the still to make sure they saw correctly. One of the hooks I would use to draw in public was when I saw someone do that I would say, “Yes, that is what you think it is. And yes I am.” The smiles on their faces would spread ear to ear, especially the guys. That’s not to say I didn’t have a lot of women and even children stand there for my 15-minute spiel.
What I found even more satisfying was at the end of the event being told by re-enactors that had been doing this for 15+ years that they thought my display was great. They had never seen anyone do distilling before AND they couldnÂ’t believe no one ever thought about it. They liked my camp, display and spiel so much I was invited to join one of the old guard re-enacting groups, a group that is considered an institution of re-enacting in our area. They have set standards in Historical and Period correct displays at three of the events I do. I was very honored to have been asked to join. However, I declined their offer. After explaining that I left one group and had no desire to join another group at this time, they all understood. They then told me to take a year or two and if I change my mind the offer is open.
The only problem I had this weekend was a severe lack of time. There was a shortage of people willing to fight in the battle this weekend. On Saturday they scheduled a walk through of the battlefield at 12:30 with the battle at 2:00. That took me out of camp a lot. If they hadn’t been short of fighters I probably wouldn’t have gone. Some of you that have read me for a while know how much I love doing the battles, so you are probably asking yourselves, “Why would you not do what you love?” Simply because when I left at 12:20 to get to the battlefield I had to turn no less then 20 people away from my camp. I gave a brief talk about distilled spirits in the frontier and then explained I had to go “kill some Brits”. A large part of me wanted to stay in camp just to talk to the public, to educate them on distilling AND distilled spirits in the frontier.
That is why I had started re-enacting and I had lost that feeling over the last 3 years. This weekend brought it back. Numerous friends of mine at this event saw me and commented on how happy I looked. I guess Homer Simpson was correct when he said, “Alcohol – the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.”
Oh and yes I did get a lot of comments on how it was “appropriate” that I, the surly Scotsman, was running the still. People that have known me and all the re-enacting stories about me (including a certain Jack Daniel’s incident), found it highly amusing.
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October 13, 2005
“It’s disconcerting to see you so happy.”
“Why are you smiling? What are you going to do to me?”
“It gives me the creeps that you are saying hello to everyone. It’s like you are planning a hit list.”
“I don’t like when you say please and thank you. It gives me chills, not the good kind.”
“Did you get some last night?” (Nice, huh? If I had said that I would be instantly back in sensitivity class or fired However, because it was females that said it to me, it’s okay.)
“We’ve decided that your being nice is wrong. We liked the pressure of having to worry about you coming to chew us out.”
“Are you on Prozac?”
“STOP BEING NICE!!! I can’t work in these conditions.”
“You said hello to me… what did I do wrong?”
“You know my name?!?!?! Does this mean I’m getting fired?”
“I’m scared; you’re going to shoot someone aren’t you?”
I just canÂ’t win. They complain when IÂ’m my normal work driven self and they complain when IÂ’m nice and caring. IÂ’d try being a ripe bastard for a while just for their reactions. If I thought, I wouldnÂ’t be fired for driving someone to commit suicide.
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To be honest, this may be what pulls the team together. Usually when groups of guys go out, the “Man Code” comes in to play. The Sergeant Schultz clause states: No matter what happens, you saw nutting! (Unless it’s the guys I’m hanging out with, then it’s only a matter of days before my wife finds out everything that happened).
On a lighter note, could you imagine what a 911 call on this would sound like?
911: 911 whereÂ’s your emergency?
Caller: We are out on Lake Minnetonka and are being attacked by Vikings. They are raping and pillaging the passengers as we speak.
911: Really? Vikings huh? Let me see if we can get Harold of Wessex to repel them.
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October 12, 2005
I have to side with them, in a humurious letter to the company you can see what is causing all the fuss and decide for yourself.
As for me, I think I'll avoid Cafepress for a while.
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