WeÂ’ve all heard the saying about how tossing a pebble into a pond causes ripples on the surface. Those ripples may have an affect on a lot of things, including stuff on the other side of the pond. You didnÂ’t intend for those consequences to happen, yet they did.

Oklahoma was the pebble in my pond. Except I think in my case Oklahoma was the boulder in the pond that is my life. Before I left for Oklahoma everything was okay in my life. IÂ’m not saying it was perfect, but everything was pretty much normal.

When I returned from Oklahoma IÂ’ve discovered that in my absence my family life broke down because Ktreva and the boys couldnÂ’t handle the hardship of my being gone. IÂ’m not going into all the personal details, but there is such a strain in my relationship with Ktreva that we are having a hard time dealing with each other. WeÂ’re able to keep up appearances in public, but there are some serious problems.

Boopie has slipped not only into old habits, but worse. A lot of that, in my opinion, is because of the sever lack of consistency in home life, especially while I was away. Even though IÂ’ve been back for two months, itÂ’s hard to counteract that damage that was done. Ktreva convinced me not to kick him out of the house for now. I took him to his counselor last night. After speaking with him and explaining everything that is going on the counselor and I spoke for a good 20 minutes alone and he supported my theory on where most of BoopieÂ’s issues stem from and what caused them to be worse.

IÂ’ve told close friends this next part, but IÂ’m just coming clean with the whole thing. IÂ’m having issues dealing with my experience in Oklahoma. It wasnÂ’t the state, Tulsa or the people that lived there. It was the people I had to work with and the details of the job. IÂ’ve been having nightmares; yes nightmares that IÂ’m still down there trying to get everything settled. IÂ’ve actually woken out of a dead sleep in a cold sweat in a combination of fear and rage. Out of all the things IÂ’ve seen and done in my previous career or just in my life in general, itÂ’s a stupid trip to Oklahoma thatÂ’s haunting me. I mean, IÂ’ve pulled bodies out of rivers, IÂ’ve assisted on autopsies of infants, IÂ’ve listened to people burn to death over a phone, IÂ’ve drawn down on peopleÂ… but no, transferring work to another state has my subconscious in a panic.

I now find work almost completely unbearable. I view it as a prison. Each morning I wake up to head into a place that I know has no appreciation for anything I’ve done, the sacrifices I’ve made or the efforts I put forth. My management and peers have taken to disregarding my input on anything. They make changes and decisions that affect my people with out even consulting me, or if they do it’s more of a “we’re going to do this…” type of thing. When I head into meetings a sense of dread comes over me that can only be equated to the feeling you get before a colonoscopy. I try to stay at my desk or in my unit as much as possible. At least there I feel somewhat comfortable. Prior to Oklahoma, I had issues, but not like this.

IÂ’m waiting to see what happens with a job opportunity for Ktreva before I make any moves, but I canÂ’t leave my job until I find another. With the way todayÂ’s economy and job market is, IÂ’m not holding my breath on finding anything in the near future. At least nothing that pays me anywhere near what I make now.

I really wish I had never gone to Oklahoma. Except for getting to meet Rave and her Husband and getting to visit Bloodspite, nothing good came out of it.

Posted by: Contagion at 06:00 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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