Fight or Flight response, the body’s primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to “fight” or “flee” from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival. When a situation arises that we view as harmful, it is this response that prepares us for our next action. Some people will flee, or avoid the situation in order to protect themselves or others from harm. Others will attack to protect themselves or others. They say it’s a hard wired reaction that only years of training can change exactly how you respond, but either way it will be in one of those two ways.

What they donÂ’t tell you is that this response can be particularly hazardous to you, your family and your property. You see a threat and you react with out thinking. By the time your brain catches up with your actions, you realize what you just did was incredibly stupid. At that point you just hope no one was around to see it and that you can repair everything so it wonÂ’t be noticed.

LetÂ’s say you are sleeping. For some reason that you donÂ’t know you wake up. There at the foot of your bed someone is standing over you and your wife. Not a kid someone, but an adult someone. Some people might flick on a switch, others might grab a phone, and some may grab a weapon. Or they may just leap out of the bed with a spryness reserved for Hollywood Superheroes and tackle the invader, driving them to the ground and pummeling the ever loving snot out of them. When your wife flicks on the light switch to see what is happening, you notice that there is no one there. YouÂ’ve succeeded in crushing and utterly destroying the oscillating fan that was at the foot of your bed. There is no sign of anybody else in the house that shouldnÂ’t be there, and all the kids are sleeping.

Folks, I swear by all that is dear to me I woke up and saw a man standing at the foot of my bed. It was as real as the monitor in front of your face. I mean I’ve woken up and “saw” things but I realized it was just a visual memory from a dream I was having or a trick of the lighting. In this case before that could happen I took out the fan before everything became clear. I utterly destroyed it. Between the tackling and the dozen or so well placed punches, it didn’t stand a chance. So today I get to go out and buy a new fan.

IÂ’m just glad I landed where I did. If I had traveled another foot further I would have gone through the window and landed in the front yard. Did I mention I sleep in the buff? Yea, that would have helped my neighborÂ’s image of me. A fat ugly naked guy beating the snot out of a fan in his front yard, that story would spread fast.

Posted by: Contagion at 04:55 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 510 words, total size 3 kb.

1 OMG!

Posted by: oddybobo at May 23, 2007 07:54 AM (mZfwW)

2 Dude, I'm ashamed of you.

Had that been a zombie fan you'd have been bitten for sure.

Posted by: Graumagus at May 23, 2007 10:57 AM (y21Ln)

3 I dunno - you could win money if someone was handy with a video camera...

I am just surprised you didn't shoot the fan or put an axe through it.

Posted by: Richmond at May 23, 2007 11:00 AM (e8QFP)

4 That has to be one of the funniest stories I've heard. O!M!G! your poor wife must have been wondering,
"Do I laugh or compliment his strong knock out punch?"

Posted by: h~ at May 23, 2007 05:23 PM (OtPS2)

5 OMG... ROFLMAO!!! I'm with h~ that's the funniest thing I've heard in ages.

Okay, I'm just giggling too much here to think of anything else to say. Holy Crap.

Posted by: Teresa at May 23, 2007 05:47 PM (gsbs5)

6 Grau, you're right. I should have crushed the guys skull with the battle axe next to the bed. It's those damn half-awake reflexes.

As for the rest of you. Gee Thanks. I was only trying to protect my wife!!!!

Posted by: Contagion at May 23, 2007 06:02 PM (T4WRc)

7 That is hilarious! Was it a rotating fan? Then it could be a little more easy to cover your story, because it was moving.

If it makes you feel any better, I did the same thing to a life size cardboard cutout of Larry Bird, one time. I've never lived it down...

Posted by: Jabbah at May 23, 2007 06:06 PM (JOq8W)

8 I read this first thing, and have spent all day poppin' back over here wanting to leave a comment.

Then I re-read it and can't stop laughing.

You're bravery is to be commended. But I would have given a years salary to watch you fly naked out that bedroom window. The visual in my mind is just - amazing...........

;-)

Posted by: Tammi at May 23, 2007 07:24 PM (wbVY2)

9 Aw, hell, that's not too bad.

I walked the perimeter of my house with a loaded .44 Special for over an hour before I realized that the intermittent pops I had mistaken for gunfire were FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY.

Yeah, that second when the lightbulb actually flickers on over your head can be embarrassing...

Posted by: Jay G at May 23, 2007 07:59 PM (+aXwQ)

10 That's hilarious...! Bet some people would pay to see the footage of that encounter...

I have the same type of fan at the foot of my bed and now every time I look at it I'll think of you... LOL!

Posted by: pam at May 24, 2007 05:59 AM (l6NIn)

11 Pam it warms my heart to know that you will be thinking of me while you're in bed.

Posted by: Contagion at May 24, 2007 06:11 AM (Q5WxB)

12 Now there's another thought that I will have to drink out of my head. Thanks!!

Posted by: Bruce at May 24, 2007 06:06 PM (tKtgB)

13 Do you think you could reenact that?

Posted by: Sissy at May 26, 2007 02:41 PM (y2kUf)

14 I'm not laughing...much. You were protecting your family, is all. Think of it as a rehearsal for an actual event that you pray never happens.

Posted by: Mrs. Who at May 27, 2007 06:14 AM (9FXen)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Chili + Strawberries + Undiagnosed Stomach Problem = One miserable Contagion with really nasty tasting burps.

Excuse me, IÂ’m going to go gargle with bile to get this taste out of my mouth.

Posted by: Contagion at 12:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 37 words, total size 1 kb.

I'm just curious if anyone besides me actually remembers this movie from the mid 80s? As I kid I remember watching this on HBO and thinking it was pretty cool. In fact a lot of friends of mine also liked this movie. One summer I think I watched it at least a dozen times. Now as an adult watching this trailer I wonder just how stupid I was as a kid.

Posted by: Contagion at 10:27 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 77 words, total size 1 kb.

I think I may have found the perfect food substance. Last week my parents went to visit some relatives up by Menomonie, Wisconsin. While up there they stopped at what is, in my opinion, the best cheese factory in the country, Cady Cheese Factory.

I have an Aunt and Uncle that own a farm in nearby Spring Valley. When I was a kid my grandmother used to live on the farm with them. Every time we would go and visit her, we would stop at Cady Cheese and bring pounds of the glorious golden food home with us. It was Cady cheese that started me on my love of Salami Cheese. Up until now, I thought this was the perfect snack food combination. ItÂ’s so wonderful that I think IÂ’ve turned half of my friends and both boys into Salami Cheese loving fools. I know you can get it down here, but it just doesnÂ’t taste the same.

Anyway, I’m off topic. Since my parents were up that way, they knew I would want some cheese. They stopped in to pick some up for themselves and for me, er for my family. While looking through their gift shop my father pointed something out to mom and told her, “Contagion must have that.” So he bought me a very special chunk of cheese, this may even be the holy grail of cheese.

He bought me Cheddar with Guinness.

ThatÂ’s right, Cheddar cheese with Guinness in it. It looks like a cheese with dark brown veins running through it. IÂ’ve had the cheese for three days and I havenÂ’t cut into it yet. Why? Well IÂ’m waiting for a special occasion. See, I havenÂ’t found cheddar with Guinness anywhere else. And at 12.99 a pound IÂ’m not sure I want to just eat it any old time. However, IÂ’m starting to get antsy just waiting. IÂ’m thinking it wonÂ’t last through the weekend.

Posted by: Contagion at 06:30 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 329 words, total size 2 kb.

ItÂ’s been four days since the chainsaw incident. IÂ’m done being mad about the whole thing, so now it is actually funny.

Over the last couple of years I had a couple of trees start to grow awfully close to my house and garage. At first I didnÂ’t do anything about them, but then I decided I had better get a start before they actually do some damage. Especially since one of the trees was right up next to the house and another was right next to the garage. They werenÂ’t big trees. The one next to the house was 3-4 inches in diameter and the one next to the garage was about 7-8 inches wide. The one next to the house was only about 15 feet tall, but the one next to the garage was about 30 feet. The third tree was in the middle of the yard, but along a fence lineÂ… I just didnÂ’t like it.

The tree next to the house came down easily enough. There were three separate trunks intertwined with some fence. It was a little tricky, but everything went smooth. The tree in the middle of the yard, again intertwined with fence came down easily enough with no damage to the fence or the chain. Then there was the tree by the garage.

First off, not only was this tree right next to the garage, but it was also intertwined with chain link fence. To make it even worse, it was between my garage and my neighborÂ’s garage. Our garages are so close I can stand and place my left hand on my garage and be able to touch theirs with my right. Oh, and to make it just a little bit more difficult there is a phone line that runs right next to it. Yea, this one was going to be tricky. Yet I just knew I could get this one down easy as can be. IÂ’ve precision dropped larger trees then this before.

I make a flat cut about halfway through the tree. Then I make an angle cut to take out a wedge to direct the tree to where I want it to fall. IÂ’m almost done with the angle cut when the tree shifts and pinches the chainsaw. WTF? ItÂ’s a maple, it shouldnÂ’t be that flexible. I mean over half the trunk is still intact! Making sure there is no power to the chainsaw, I try to pull it out. That bad boy was S-T-U-C-K stuck. I figure if I just gently and lightly push on the trunk maybe, MAYBE I can pull out the chainsaw.

Now at this point someone is going to say I should have gotten help, tied a rope to the tree, or something else logical. HereÂ’s the problem. Everyone I asked was busy and couldnÂ’t come over. The only help I had was Boopie. If I had tied a rope to the tree and tried to have him pull anything, he would have just hurt himself. Anyone that has met him knows what IÂ’m talking about.

So I just very lightly and gently push on the tree to alleviate the pressure on the blade. Sure enough the treeÂ’s grip on the chainsaw is loosened and it starts to come free. Just as IÂ’m about to let go of the tree it happens. Just like in some cartoon or stupid comedy movie the biggest fattest bird I have ever seen plops down onto the furthest sticking branch that will hold its weightÂ… over my neighborÂ’s garage.

The tree starts to creak as it begins its slow fall. I drop the chainsaw, (Thank all that is good for steel toe work boots) and grab the trunk with both hands pulling it in the opposite direction. My efforts are to no avail as the tree crashes on top of my neighborÂ’s garage and phone line. IÂ’m yelling and swearing at the top of my lungs. The boys are staring in wide eyed wonder at the events they just witnessed. To make matters worse, THE TREE STILL WAS ONLY CUT HALF WAY THROUGH! The notch was still in place! It didnÂ’t break, the damn thing bent with the weight.

At this point I’ve lost all rational thought. With anger and frustration I grab the chainsaw, power it up and lift it over my head like a psycho path in some comedy-horror flick. In a stream of obscenities that would shock most people I attack, yes attack, the tree with the chainsaw. I finish cutting it all the way through. Then I grab the trunk and pull it off the roof and onto the ground. Boopie is screaming, “DAD, DON’T! STOP, PLEASE STOP!” I am now giggling with a madness that only those that have been irrationally pissed at an inanimate object can understand.

Yes, I got the tree down. No, I did not damage the garage. No one was physically injured, however my kids may need more therapy now when they get older. As for the phone lineÂ… uh, I donÂ’t know what youÂ’re talking about. Right now there are piles of limbs and trunk in my driveway waiting to be cut up and disposed off. I had too many plans over the weekend to finish it. That and in my exuberance to destroy the damnable plant I broke the chain on the chainsaw. I havenÂ’t had a chance to get it fixed yet.

But tomorrowÂ… the sage continues.

Posted by: Contagion at 06:51 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 920 words, total size 5 kb.

Hmmm Me and a chainsaw. Maybe that wasnÂ’t such a good combination.

Posted by: Contagion at 07:46 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 14 words, total size 1 kb.

Well that annual war of the lawn started tonight. For the first time this year I mowed my lawn. Yea, I know itÂ’s may already, but dammit! I hate mowing my lawn! I pressed Boopie into service this year. Since our grass was about a foot long, and IÂ’m not kidding, it was probably closer to 11 inches, but it was damn long, I couldnÂ’t use the bagging attachment. Well I guess I could have, but why when IÂ’d have to stop and empty it ever ten feet. Instead I converted it to the mulching mode and let Boopie rake up whatever I didnÂ’t mulch. That would be a lot if you really wanted to know.

I think it might be because itÂ’s early in the season, but there were no wild animals waiting in ambush in the grass. But I did discover a couple of things. Like there is some kind of animal that has burrowed into my front yard. IÂ’m not sure what it is yet, but itÂ’s not going to be around for long. Secondly, I found out that those plastic soft-air BBs from the guns I bought Boopie for Christmas hurt like the dickens when they fly out of a mower and hit you in the leg. I may have to re-think how I set up the shooting trap for that. Obviously they arenÂ’t all staying inside the one I have now.

Hopefully the rain holds off so I donÂ’t have to mow again next week.

Posted by: Contagion at 08:34 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 260 words, total size 1 kb.

1 I cheated... I paid my cousin to cut the lawn. It won't be too long, and I'll cut it down to the ground for the summer.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at May 02, 2007 12:53 PM (amJz2)

2 Oh, don't worry, you WILL have to mow the lawn again next week!
That's not a suggestion

Posted by: ktreva at May 02, 2007 07:38 PM (T4WRc)

Hide Comments | Add Comment