Last night I caught a glimpse of what might be the new neighbors. It looks like they are setting into moving in possibly as soon as this weekend. Then this morning I saw someone standing out by their garage looking at the roof. (Yes, the one I dropped the tree on).

So do I start doing werid stuff now, or do I wait until they get settled in?

Posted by: Contagion at 06:17 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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So it was that time of the week again, you know what IÂ’m talking aboutÂ… mowing the lawn. My fine contaminants let me tell you that my personal hell is having to mow the lawn in the blazing sun. After about 2 minutes I start hoping I get physically injured so I can stop. Yes, I hate it that much that I start wishing for a hospital visit to get out of it. But I think I may have found the solution to my problem.

My weedwacker broke, so I couldn’t get along the edge of the house, fence, trees, etc. Since I was already in the midst of Operation “Salt the Earth” with these unwanted weeds that keep popping up along the back of the yard, I decided to use the same chemicals instead of weedwacking. This all started a couple of weeks ago. This was the best idea I’ve had in a long time! It worked really well… a little too well. Apparently the chemical I use kills weeds, grass, flowers, bushes, small trees, insects, alien life forms and almost anything that requires sun light or sun light using products to survive.

There is a ring of dead grass around my house. Small tress and bushes are dying at an alarming rate. I figure if I spray the rest of the lawn with this stuff, I wonÂ’t ever have to mow again! ItÂ’ll be great! I can talk Ktreva into letting me pave the yard and put down Astroturf! A whole section of KtrevaÂ’s flowerbed has been returned to nothing but dirt. Insects donÂ’t even cross the barren lands IÂ’ve created. A three-year-old maple tree has returned to the earth from which it sprang, an eight-year-old bush IÂ’ve tried cutting out for 5 years is withering and turning to mulch. Everything is dying!

Well, not everything. The damn weeds that I specifically bought this product for are thriving. IÂ’ve doused them every week for a month and a half, and they just wonÂ’t die. Which is why I would have to pave the dirtÂ… I couldnÂ’t handle a yard full of these weeds. They grow faster then the grass.

Posted by: Contagion at 07:22 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Today and tomorrow I have to be a single dad while Ktreva is out of town.

The boys have been acting up incessantly since 4:00PM.

For the love of all that is good Clone was trying to figure out how to load my blunderbuss. Thankfully I keep the black powder were he can't get it. When he asked for some, I knew something was up.

Boopie is mad because he has to do homework tonight instead of having a friend come over, so he is coping that 14 year old attitude.

It's hot and sticky.

But life is good. Because on a night like this, nothing hits the spot like an ice cold Jack and Coke... quadruple.

Posted by: Contagion at 06:33 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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ItÂ’s getting closer and closer to summer. Technically it doesnÂ’t start until June 21, but many people, including myself, view summer as starting Memorial Day weekend. This year summer seems to have come early. WeÂ’ve had a lot of high temps. While there are a lot of good things about summer, it happens to be one of my least favorite seasons. It just seems to be a miserable time of the year. Here are five reasons I hate the summer.

1) Heat. ItÂ’s farooking hot all the damn time. IÂ’m a big guy and IÂ’m constantly sweating. Nothing is worse then getting out of the shower, toweling off and then 5 minutes later having to towel off again. When the humidity is high, just shoot me.

2) Skimpy clothing. Okay some are going to argue this is a bonus. IÂ’m sorry, but for every person that looks good in their really tight revealing outfits there are 5 that donÂ’t. IE yesterday at the grocery store there was one lady that looked decent in her summer skirt and halter top, however the 350 pound guy wearing denim cut offs and a mesh half shirt almost made me chunder into the lobster tank. LetÂ’s not forget the overly large lady wearing some kind of shorts that disappeared in the crack of her arse. It looked like she was wearing a thongÂ… with two overly white mounds of cottage cheese for arse cheeks. DonÂ’t get me wrong people, IÂ’m a big ugly guy, nobody wants to see me in a speedoÂ… including myself. I'm glad these people are proud of their bodies. I just wish they would be proud in private.

3) Open Windows. Don’t get me wrong, I like opening my windows. However, when you do, all the sounds of the world invade your house and car. When I’m driving home and listening to the car next to me playing that “thump-thump” crap over my stereo, it is annoying. It doesn’t matter how loud I turn my stereo up, I can still hear it. Plus I don’t want to listen to my music that loud to begin with. At night with the windows open (and living in an urban area) you get the sounds of the city, sirens, traffic, parties. This is fine early in the evening, at 2 in the morning I just want to sleep.

4) Idiots Out Wondering Around, (No I’m not talking about Iowa). When it’s cold out, these jack arses hide in their homes, bars or apartments. Now that it is warm they are roaming the streets. Sometimes they are just loud (See above about open windows), sometimes they are drunk, sometimes they come pounding on your door at the worst times wanting to know where his buddy “Fred” lives. The vandalism increases and so does property damage. Unfortunately there are laws about booby traps and hunting these inconsiderate arses.

5) No School. That means packs of kids from 10-24 are out in droves. The traffic has increased because the college kids have come home. The stores are filled with younger kids just “hanging out”. They play games in the middle of the street and don’t get out of the way. In fact just about any place I go is filled with kids June, July and August. To make matters worse they are rude, disrespectful, and can be the root cause for some of the above issues. That and if I have to listen to another sentence such as, “um, like Tina and I were um, like going to the store. And um, we ran into Brian there, and um, he was saying that Brandon was um, like totally into Tonya. And um, we were like no way. He was, um saying that Brandon like told him in person. Um and I think Tonya is like into Travis. Um….”, I'm going to try to swallow my own brain. Yea, I don’t know what’s with speech patterns today, but the word “like” is over used and using “um” ever 5 seconds makes me want to strangle them.

Sadly enough, if I could move to a quiet place in the middle of no where, I wouldn't have as many of these issues. I just can't do that.

Posted by: Contagion at 05:09 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Last night was a Raptors game. As I was getting ready to leave, Grau pops over and says his shift was canceled. I had offered him my spare ticket earlier in the week, but he declined so it was offered to someone else. He was going to head to CarlyleÂ’s to do some pre-game tailgating with us. When blog son Bruce showed up, he had a spare ticket. It seems his daughter decided at the last minute to not come with. So Grau was able to snag that seat.

It was a good game, in that the Raptors trounced the River City Rage. For the Rage, or I guess looking at their play last night we should call them the River City Repressed. The big news of the night is that Bruce finally got a game ball. Now, just a little back-story. Last season I had a game ball thrown to me by a player, same with this year, and a ball given to me by one of the coaches. So I have three game balls (I gave one to Boopie). Bruce, being petty and jealous, said they didnÂ’t count because I didnÂ’t CATCH it in game play. He kept telling me that it doesnÂ’t count if you donÂ’t CATCH it. Me, I think it doesnÂ’t matter how you get one, as long as you get one.

So last night a ball is flung right toward Bruce and GrauÂ’s seats. It actually looked like it was going to hit Grau in the head. Grau, panicking batted the ball to the ground with flailing hands. When he batted it, it flew 5 seats to their right and across an aisle. Bruce, in a move I did not think was possible, leapt up, barged pass Grau, pushed some 12 year old boy out of the way and I kid you not punched a 7 year old girl in the head to get the ball. Now, he did punch her, but it wasnÂ’t intentional. Her head did whip back and she started crying as Bruce used his height and weight advantage to strip it from her hands. Folks, I'm not kidding, he really did wrestle the ball away from the kid.

In all honesty, IÂ’m proud of him. He went out of the way to secure a memento that he will forever remember. Sure he may have been a little overly rough with the kid, but it taught her a valuable lesson; If you want to keep what's yours, you need to hold on to it. ItÂ’s just too bad that based on his own rules, it doesnÂ’t count. He didnÂ’t catch the ball. To me, I think itÂ’s a valid way to get a ball, just like having a player give you the ball they just scored a touchdown with, but not to him. So Bruce, hopefully you can get over own issues with getting a game ball and can actually enjoy it.

I know I enjoy mineÂ… all three of them.

Posted by: Contagion at 09:18 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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It’s very easy, but it takes some time. First you need to give them a nickname. Something that is cute when they are young, but as they get older would be very embarrassing, such as Boopie. I gave Boopie his nickname when he was about 4 years old. There was a milk commercial that came out where a father walked into the kitchen and a baby was drinking milk from a bottle, the father said, “Hey there Boopie!” Ten years later I still call him Boopie.

Second, keep the nickname in the family. You donÂ’t want all of his friends to be calling him that from the start. ItÂ’s best that only you, your families, and your friends refer to them by their nickname. If everyone does, it loses its effect.

Third, make sure your timing is right. You have to make sure that the child really hates the nickname and that they are worried about being “cool”. IE, they need to be a teenager. This is critical, you can have all the proper set up, but if you use it too soon, you won’t get the desired effect. Let me explain how:

Boopie is 14, even though I still call him Boopie and some of my friends do, no one else does. He hates, HATES the nickname. He even forbade me to call him that when I would pick him up or drop him off at school. I respected his wishes… until tonight. He had invited some friends over to shoot his Air Soft guns. They were all out in the back yard having fun when I walk out side wearing sandals, black socks, shorts and a button up plaid shirt. Just as he notices me, I say, “Hey Boopie, be careful I don’t want any of you to shoot an eye out. Oh and Boopie, don’t forget to take your bath tonight, I got you the bubbles that you like.” Then I turn around and go back inside. I heard chants of “Boopie?” followed by laughter coming from the back yard inside the house.

Yea, I know. But hell, I figure if IÂ’m going to pay for the counseling anyways, I might as well have some fun with it.

Posted by: Contagion at 04:52 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Last month we had Midget Kickboxing, now thanks to commenter and contributor over at I Hate My Cubicle, Jabbah, we have Midget Basketball.

It just keeps getting better. Maybe next month we can get Midget Zombie Pr0n! Jabbah, if you ever make it to Rockford, let me know. I'm buying you a beer for this one!

Posted by: Contagion at 06:17 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Ktreva and I were actually able to go out and see a movie last night. Since I love zombie movies, and 28 Weeks Later came out, we went to see that. Yes, I know those aren’t “real” zombies. They are humans infected with the rage virus. But you know what, damn near close enough. They may be easier to kill then real zombies, but they are stronger, faster a bit more cunning.

I enjoyed the movie, I thought it was pretty good. However, I will say that this movie is a prime example of how NOT to contain a zombie outbreak. They started off good, but then one security breech and they all went stupid. Then they tried to fix it in the only logical manner.

Folks let me tell you something. If there is a zombie and/or Virus outbreak and the Chief Medical Officer breaks protocol to “find a cure”, treat them as an infected hostile. That’s all I’m saying.

Posted by: Contagion at 07:33 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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What happens when cheerleaders fight?

IÂ’m telling you guys, just add some butterscotch pudding and this would be a much better video.

Yea, the fight itself is lameÂ… but itÂ’s cheerleaders fighting. How can you not enjoy it?

Posted by: Contagion at 10:02 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Today is Cinco De Mayo. I was going to go into a long history as to what this holiday actually celebrates, especially since there is some confusion about it. After much though, I figured why bother. LetÂ’s face it; Cinco De Mayo in America is pretty much just like St PatrickÂ’s Day.

It is just another day for single guys to attempt to score with drunk hot chic.

Except today itÂ’s a hot Latino chic, while St. PatrickÂ’s is a hot Irish chic.

So to all my single friends out thereÂ… happy hunting. And remember: tip your wingman well.

Posted by: Contagion at 07:57 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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