August 31, 2005
There once was a married fireman who wanted to add some spice to his sex life. One night he told his wife that he wanted to make a change and he had an idea. He tells says to his wife, “At the station we have a system of bells to relay messages. Every time I hear those bells, it always causes my pulse to race and my adrenaline to pump. One bell tells us there is a fire. Two bells tell us that we need to report to the truck. Three bells is the signal for the truck to leave the station. What I’d like to do is incorporate that into our lovemaking. One bell we get undressed. Two bells we climb into bed and on three bells bell we start making love. What do you think?”
The wife, at first being skeptical but not wanting to upset her husband responds that she is willing to try it. The next day the husband comes home with a bell and attaches it on the wall over the bed. That night after dinner, the husband and wife go up to the bedroom to try out the bell.
The husband rings it once and they both get undressed. The husband, admiring his now naked wife, thinks to himself, “THIS IS GREAT!” Ringing the bell the bell twice, they jump into bed. His heart pounding the husband rings the bell three times. He is making the most wild and passionate love to his wife that he ever has. All of a sudden, he hears the bell ring four times.
Stopping, he says to his wife, “There isn’t a fourth bell. What are four bells?”
His wife responds, “More hose!”
UPDATE: Apparently I spoke too soon, VW has her humor for the dreaded Wednesday up on this post. I guess I was just too impatient.
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August 30, 2005
Right now he is watching Sponge Bob Square PantsÂ… It could be worse; he could be watching the Wiggles. GAK! HeÂ’s also eating some yogurt. Which has been the only food weÂ’ve been able to get him to eat in the last 24 hours. Hopefully he breaks this fever soon, I really donÂ’t want to have to take him to the hospital.
Now that I have the sympathetic parent crowd hooked, I have a question for you. Whenever we bathe Clone, he does not like getting his hair wet. Oh, and when I say we, I mean Ktreva… I’ve bathed him once in the last 2.5 years. Well, when “we” put him in the bath he’s fine. He’ll play and roll around and splash… as long as his head doesn’t get wet. Once his head comes in contact with water, he freaks out.
We have no idea why. Looking back over the last 2.5 years I canÂ’t remember a time when anything happened that would make him scared of water. Not once when he was submersed either intentionally or accidentally. We know that Boopie had similar issues when he was growing up, and kind of still does. What we are asking you, kind readers, is if this is normal? Do those of you that have or had kids go through similar issues with them? If any of you have any advice we would appreciate it. Thank you.
Also, it seems that my modem is dying. I have a new one being shipped to me, but I won't receive it for probably 2 days. That means my access to the internet is sporadic at best.
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August 29, 2005
Until yesterday. Yesterday Clone makes his triumphant climb to the top of Mount Dad. This time he just stands there for a while looking around, balancing by himself on my shoulders. My hands are right there getting ready for him to fall backwards to guide him to the ground. For reasons unknown, instead of just leaning backwards, he jumps backwards. IÂ’m not talking about a small kid jump, but an Olympic diver about to do a triple back flip jump. He jumped right out my hands.
Ancestors from days of yore smiled down upon him as they bestowed upon me the temporary grace and reflexes to be able to catch and lay him gently upon the floor. If I had missed, I could just see his little skull cracking open like a ripe watermelon being dropped onto concrete. Trying to tickle him longer then usual so my heart rate would slow down, I told him that he should NOT jump off daddy. He hasnÂ’t done it since, and we did continue to play, but I was much more cautious with him when he started standing up there.
I think itÂ’s great that he trusts me and has enough faith in my abilities to do such a stunt. However, I wish I had that much trust and faith in my abilities.
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August 27, 2005
Seven years ago, I started working for my current company as a Customer Service Representative. Most of my day was spent with me answering phone calls from customers (usually angry) and assisting them with their questions. Anybody that has been reading me for a while knows that I have a deep hatred of phones. It had already been issue by the time I started working here, but it has only gotten worse.
I was in my second season of re-enacting. At that time, we did more Elizabethan times Scots at most of the events. We had Renn Faires, Highland Games and Celtic fests that made up most of our schedule. For our shows, I was Seamus MacPhail, Lord Master of Arms. Most of the spoken words were mine. My days were filled with my rehearsing lines and giving speaking parts in a Scottish Brogue. (ItÂ’s a Burr if you want to be technical). To this day IÂ’m very proud of the fact that I have six different regional brogues that I can speak in, from an easily understandable Lowland to a very thick, barely comprehendible Highland. When IÂ’m at events, I tend to talk in a brogue for most of the weekend, especially if there is public around.
Whenever I hear someone with a Scottish accent, my first instinct is to kick into my brogue that best matches theirs. Since mainly this happens at a re-enactment it was never an issue. When you are answering calls at a customer service center, it is a problem.
I had been working as a customer service representative for about a year. I was in my third year of re-enacting. That was the heaviest scheduled year I have ever had. I would slip into a Scottish brogue if I heard someone on television use one. If Sean Connery were on the screen, IÂ’d instantly go into one. You can imagine what happened when I was at work and took a call from a customer that had just moved here from Scotland.
Answering the phone in my normal voice, we started our conversation. Less then 30 seconds into the call, IÂ’m in this thick Scottish brogue and I didnÂ’t even realize it. The member interrupts what I was saying to him and angrily berates me for making fun of him. At this point, I realized what had happened. After spending about 5 minutes getting the customer calmed down I explained to him that I was a re-enactor, part of a group that Portrays Clan Chattan during the Jacobite Rebellions. This calmed the gentleman down due to his curiosity being peeked.
He started asking questions about what we did and where. When he moved from Scotland he never imagined that AmericanÂ’s of Scottish decent would still re-enact and portray that part of Scottish history here. By the time I finished explaining, he was laughing about the whole incident and understood how it could happen. When I asked him how my brogue was, he told me it was very good. I only had to clean up some vowel pronunciations. Other then that he told me I could have very easily passed as a Scot. With his help my brogue improved so much that IÂ’ve had multiple Scots actually ask me where I was from at a re-enactment. After I helped him with his question, He even inquired he could join my group. Of course I said he could, unfortunately he lived in St. Louis and was too far away.
From that time on I always controlled my voice better. I still slip from time to time, like when we went on vacation to Kansas. My in-laws have a soft southern accent; I started to pick that up. Nevertheless, I have never slipped back into a brogue unintentionally.
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Now IÂ’m debating if snorting the iced tea I have will help.
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You scored 57% Tough, 4% Roguish, 28% Friendly, and 14% Charming!
Find out what kind of classic dame you'd make by taking the Classic Dames Test.
| You scored higher than 95% on Tough | ||
| You scored higher than 4% on Roguish | ||
| You scored higher than 49% on Friendly | ||
| You scored higher than 17% on Charming |
| Link: The Classic Leading Man Test written by gidgetgoes on Ok Cupid |
Aptly stolen from Kathy of Cake Eater Chronicles.
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August 26, 2005
Since we are not getting the rain, most of our lawns look like the dry plains of the Serengeti, all brown and withered. The grass just isnÂ’t growing and IÂ’m not one of those water the lawn type of guys. If you water it, it grows. If it grows, then you have to mow it. If you donÂ’t want to mow your lawn and donÂ’t care that your grass looks like some plagued wasteland, then you donÂ’t water it. Once the local governments started putting a watering ban or limitation in effect, most people lost the option to water and their yards started to die slowly off anyway.
Just to make sure, and to appease my wife, I would check the lawn about once a week to see if it needed mowing. Right up until I went on vacation, I checked it weekly front and back to make sure. Even my wife didnÂ’t feel it needed mowing. Then something happened.
When we returned from our vacation, I checked the back yard. There seemed to be enough growth to warrant mowing, unfortunately I was busy that week with a re-enactment and various appointments for me and the boys. I figured it could wait one more week. As I was loading up for my re-enactment I noticed the weeds seem to have flourished and where getting to a respectable height. Even the grass had started to grow pretty rampant. I figured we must have had quite a bit of rain while I was in Kansas.
While unloading from our event, I noticed the weeds where even taller and the grass grew some more. I knew it was time to mow the lawn. Looking at my calendar on Monday I noticed my only free night was Thursday. Promptly I informed my wife that I was indeed going to mow the lawn on Thursday. Operation Agent Orange was marked on the calendar.
Thursday comes, I send Boopie out into the yard with a trash bag, and a yard waste bag to pick up sticks and trash that has blown into my yard. Proceeding to my shed, I prepare my lawn mower for its duty. Having not mown the lawn since early June, some maintenance was required. I run down the list: Gas, check; Oil, check; Blade, Sharp enough to split atoms, check. Everything was ready to go.
As soon as I started mowing, I knew I was in for a fight. The grass, mainly weeds, had grown even more in that dry 4 days. Some of the weeds were almost hip high on me. The grass had started weaving itself together in some kind protective mat. Hitting one of these dense patches, I heard my 6.5 horsepower push mower engine start to struggle. What the hell?!?! We are in a draught. Nay, strike thatÂ… an extreme draught.
I fought my way through the front yard. Along my porch, some kind of funky vine had started to build up along it. Some of the weeds appeared to be small trees. TREES! When I tried planting a tree, I couldnÂ’t get it to grow. Now that we are in a draught, the damn things are sprouting up on their own! Unbelievable!
After finishing the front yard, I headed into the back. Now the trouble began. Taking a close look at the grass, I notice that it is much taller then I had previously believed. I had the distinct feeling that something was stalking me through it. Maybe it was my imagination that a patch of weeds and grass moved in a wave as if a large predatory cat was silently stalking up to me. It was when I started my mower and a herd of deer jumped out of it and ran across my driveway I knew I was in trouble. Okay, maybe that was a little exaggeratedÂ… but the grass had grown a hell of a lot in the last 2 weeks!
My mower is really bogging down in the foliage that has overtaken my yard. I started contemplating buying gasoline to burn away the annoying vegetation. Then I realized that it was just too damn expensive to buy that much gas. No, I wasnÂ’t worried about burning the house downÂ… ItÂ’s insured.
Working my way through the yard, I started noticing the mower was becoming more difficult to push. When I stopped to check out why, I made a horrid discovery. The lawn was fighting back! A different kind of vine was attacking my mower, wrapping up in the wheels and entangling the blade. To make matters worse, it was attacking me! I kid you not, while I was working on the mower, vines started to entangle my feet and ankles. It was as if it knew who had caused the vegetation pain and was fighting back.
Hurriedly I finished working on the mower and went back to work. My feet kept pushing the mower on, quickly wiping out the vile plants. Boopie was following behind me raking up the clippings that didnÂ’t make it into the bag. He kept complaining that the piles where pulsating like a heart that had been ripped out of someoneÂ’s chest, yet didnÂ’t realize it was dead yet. Watching the pile pulsate, I told him it was his imagination.
After about an hour and a half and 2.5 times the number of lawn bags I normally use, I finished mowing the lawn. Both Boopie and I showed signs of our battle, small cuts and scratches on our arms and legs. It was at this point as we put the last of the yard bags into the alley Boopie asked me, “Dad, why didn’t you just burn it all away.”
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This exact scenario happened to me last night. I was waiting at the bus stop for Boopie to give him a ride home. As soon as I went to drive off, I saw these two boys off Boopie’s bus throw down their books in the middle of the road and start fighting. I put my vehicle in park, jump out of the door and head toward the boys. In my “I’m a pissed off authority figure voice” (Left over from Law Enforcement days) I holler: “You two, knock it off! Over here, NOW!” While saying that I’m pointing at both of them and then point to the ground right in front of me as I am walking toward them. Not once through this whole ordeal did I lay a finger on either boy.
Both of the boys stop fighting and start heading my way. They give me the story they where just play fighting. Any male out there that was ever in a fight as a kid can tell the difference between play fighting and real fighting. Play fighting you donÂ’t swing so hard as to throw yourself off balance, because you donÂ’t know how to fight. IÂ’m trying to get both kids to come with me to talk to their parents.
The older kid points to a house just across the street. So I tell him, lets go talk to his parents. Then he changes which house he lives in. Apparently, he didnÂ’t think I was serious. The younger kid told me he lived a couple of blocks over.
I knew there was no way to get both kids to stay with me, even though I tried. Deciding that I was going to talk to the bigger kids parents for a couple of reasons, I follow him to his house. I believe that the smaller kidÂ’s mother works with me and I can talk to her at work. Also he seemed scared witless and I think I did enough damage that one close call may be all he needs to go straight. The bigger kid coped an attitude and was blatantly lying to me. He also appeared to be the instigator. His parents needed to be advised.
Sure enough as soon as I started walking off with the older boy, the younger one took off. Ktreva saw which way he ran, we tried looking for him later but couldnÂ’t find him.
On the way to the bigger kidÂ’s house, the story changed from play fighting to him defending his country. Apparently, the boyÂ’s parents are from Russia and the younger kid made some disparaging comments about it. Now I have confirmation that it was not play fighting. When we get to his house, he goes in while I stay outside. I figured heÂ’d lock the door and IÂ’d have to ring the bell to talk to his mother or father.
After a couple of minutes, his mother comes to the door. After speaking to her briefly, and she did have an accent, I got the distinct impression that she didnÂ’t care that her little boy was fighting with a kid half his size or that he was fighting at all. Maybe I wasted my time, maybe not. Maybe she was just pissed and didnÂ’t want to say anything in front of me, which I can understand. If my kid were fighting, I would want someone to break it up and tell me what was going on. Maybe IÂ’m the last parent that feels that way. Then again, maybe IÂ’m the last adult that gives a shit about the future of our country anymore.
Let me tell you this, if I catch that kid fighting again I will have one more talk with him and his mother. Then IÂ’m going to the police about it. This little punk had bully written all over him from his attitude to his stance. Maybe if someone nips it in the bud now he can straighten out before he gets himself into serious trouble later on.
What really gets me about this situation is that there where other adults that saw this happen and live right there and they did nothing. Most of them just turned their backs or watched. That really pisses me off people! We wonder why our kids are becoming degenerates and delinquents, maybe itÂ’s because no one cares anymore. People will bitch about violence and sex in the media being the cause. Maybe itÂ’s apathy toward how the kids behave. Well I care, and IÂ’m not going to sit by idly.
So tell me, do you think I over stepped my boundaries and why?
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August 24, 2005
Right now, I am in a quandary, I need to find a new game to play and yet I am unable to find one. Most of the games I prefer to play are strategy style games such as WarCraft, StarCraft, Age of Empires/Mythology, and Command and Conquer. Occasionally I find a Role Playing Game that I like, such as BaldurÂ’s Gate, but those are few and far between, but IÂ’m willing to give them a chance with a strong recommendation. Yet I canÂ’t find a good game to play. None of them look interesting and the handful of ones that I might be willing to give a try all need to be played online.
I REFUSE to buy an online video game.
If IÂ’m purchasing a game to play, I should be able to play it with out having to subscribe to the service. What is the point of buying a game that you canÂ’t play with out purchasing time to play it? That seems like a waste. Plus what if you buy a game and it goes out of style or never takes off. Now you have the risk of a game that has no platform to be played on. Moreover, I donÂ’t want to have to deal with other people, be it online dorks or the casual gamer.
If you are going to play online, you pretty much need to be in from the beginning and be able to spend hours everyday playing in order to make your character formidable enough to withstand attacks from other players or get the limited items. Some people tell me that the new games arenÂ’t like that, so that might be one issue they have resolved.
There is the fun of trying to find a group of like-minded players to go around to gather experience and equipment or complete missions. And you all have to be on at the same time. EhÂ… thatÂ’s too much work. I want to play, when I feel like it. Following my own schedule and not having to rely on anyone else or have anyone waiting for me.
Personally, I would rather load a game on my home computer and not have to worry about renting time or dealing with other people. I want to play at my pace and have my own fun. Yet, I seem to be the only one that wants to be that way. Maybe itÂ’s time for me to give up on finding any game that is worth my time to play. Does anyone feel the same way I do?
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August 23, 2005
For my loyal readers, let me add a couple of stories that I didnÂ’t include on the review over there.
Last year when Grau and LittlJoe flipped their canoe out in the middle of the lake, I gave them crap about it for most of the last year. In doing so I must have pissed off the poetic justice fairy. When Maeldun and I hit the water with the canoe all was well, then I swear to god I tripped on something under the water and down I went. I was soaked from head to toe, except for one shoulder. It was my turn to catch crap for falling in the stinky lake for the rest of the weekend. Fortunately I fell in on Sunday!
Ktreva didnÂ’t sleep too well on Friday night. She tried to take a nap in the tent, unfortunately during a re-enactment that is very difficult to do, especially with two boys running around camp. When she came out of the tent, I was in the next camp talking to Will and drinking a beerÂ… Yes it was 2 in the afternoon whatÂ’s your point? So what if there was still public there, my persona is surly Scotsman. I was just trying to play the part! AnywayÂ… she came over and I told her she didnÂ’t need to get up yet, this was the following conversation:
Ktreva: I canÂ’t sleep.Me: Just pretend IÂ’m trying to have sex with you. You donÂ’t seem to have a problem falling asleep then.
Ktreva: When you’re trying to have sex with me there usually isn’t a 2-year-old running around outside the door screaming, “Fire in the Hole”.
Me: Nope, that’s usually me yelling, “Fire in the Hole!”
This is one of the few events that actually have showers for the re-enactors to use. Ktreva went to take a shower and I watched the kids. When she came back she kept telling me I needed to go shower. Were as I promptly informed her, “Real men don’t shower out at ‘vous” and I asked Will to confirm that. A sheepish green spreads across his face and he says in a very feminine voice, “I’m a real man, and I took a shower”. Ktreva then told me that if I wanted to yell, “Fire in the Hole” later that night I better take a shower now… I showered for the first time at a ‘vous.
One of the root beer vendors in the Civil War camp was selling onion bottles filled with homemade root beer and fizzes for only $8.00. They are smaller mass produced onion bottles, but they will go well with my still. I ended up walking the ½ mile to the Civil War camp to purchase two of them. On Sunday I walked back with Boopie to refill them for $1.00… Damn their Cream Fizz was good.
For the first time ever I saw a fight break out between two re-enactors. I swear to god I thought one of them was going to stab the other with a tent stake. People that knew both of them settled it rather quickly and they kissed and made upÂ… literally. IÂ’m still a little skeeved by that. At least there was no tongue, if there had been I would have had to come home early.
There was an artist that participated in this event for the first time this year. He painted cow skulls with various designs. Virtue and Ktreva named him Ugg because he walked around wearing a caveman outfit. It was a leather loincloth and a leather half top poncho. The loincloth didn’t cover much at all; think of Tarzan. To make matters worse they guy was pasty white. He made fish belly look tanned. Sitting in front of his lodge (at least it was canvas) on a lawn chair wearing sunglasses he was trying to sell his “art”. Event People addressed this with him and he covered up the chair and put the glasses away. His skulls also had modern designs on it. I believe I heard he would not be back next year.
Faire Wynds was hired to perform at this event. They are a 17th century style circus. They had some really neat acts. On Saturday night they did a “Fire Show”. Even Clone settled down to watch the entire show. If you ever get a chance to see them perform, trust me it’s worth it.
We went over to see the night firing of artillery. This was in the Civil War camp and was quite a hike carrying a 2 year old. I wish I could say it was worth the walk, but Maeldun, Virtue, Ktreva, Boopie and I where very disappointed. Clone found it interesting, but it was loud and had fire, of course it was to him.
Clone did is normal scream on the way down and back. Which didnÂ’t help the headache I had on Sunday.
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You canÂ’t imagine how surprised I was when I opened my e-mail this morning and saw this simple e-mail:
”I am glad you are having fun now, because if we have a war, us young people will probably be drafted to fight for your oily waste”
That was it; there was nothing else to it. I wasnÂ’t even sure what this was in reference. After some reflection, I figured that this person must have read a comment I had made on another blog regarding my love of driving my truck that averages about 12 mpg. Why this individual chose to single me out, I donÂ’t know. Maybe itÂ’s because I was specific with the exact gas mileage I receive. Then again, maybe itÂ’s because of my charming personality. Perhaps itÂ’s even because I honestly love and enjoy my truck, and possibly this individual has a crappy hybrid that canÂ’t haul crap or go on long highway trips. (To this day, IÂ’ve never seen a hybrid on a major highway) Either way, they choose to e-mail me to complain.
Let me respond:
We are at war. I donÂ’t know what hole you have lived in for the last 4 years, but weÂ’ve been at war. Some people scream it is for oil, some say itÂ’s for freedom. Personally, I like to believe that itÂ’s because there are a bunch of people that just need to be killed over there. ThatÂ’s right, I said it. I donÂ’t care. IÂ’ve believed for years that the Middle East should be turned into a giant sheet of glass. Those have been my exact words since I was in high school and old enough to have my opinions actually matter. Hell, we donÂ’t even have to drop the bombs, we can pull out of the Middle East and when the Arab nations overrun Israel, then the Israelis can drop their own nuclear weapons.
Draft? Draft? Get out of the 70Â’s you hippy! There is no draft and there wonÂ’t be a draft. IÂ’m sure you are referring to the mass e-mail that has been going around for months now regarding two bills being passed through congress. S.89 and H.R.163. First off, if you take the time to read these bills you will notice that it doesnÂ’t require military service, just national service and it specifically states it does not have to be military. These bills were introduced by Democrats, not Republicans as many people believe, as a kind of anti-war protest. Secondly, these are old bills and old news. H.R. 163 was defeated in the house last October by an overwhelming number. In addition to that, many in the military do NOT want a draft. We currently have a voluntary military force, thus these are people that want to be there. They are highly trained and a high quality of soldier. You wonÂ’t get that in a draft. There is no reason to worry about being drafted. If you are still concerned about it, contact your religious leader and fill out a conscientious objector letter. On the off chance that a draft is actually called, you will have that to fall back on.
I am not an environmentalist. I half jokingly say my stance on the environment is, “Ignore it, it’ll go away.” I’m not going to waste my time nor insult your intelligence by explaining that joke. I am a conservationist. When I go camping or do outdoor activities I will leave the spots I was at in as good of condition or better then before I arrived. However, I like eating animals and burning wood. Realistically I understand that sometimes in order for the world to handle the population there needs to be urban growth. It is nature that will suffer when that happens. My “Oily Waste” doesn’t bother me. Why? Because enviro-nuts that do drive their hybrids, ride bikes or just plain walk everywhere make up for what damage I do. Moreover, for what I use my truck for, there is NO other vehicle that would get the job done. At least now, I’m only driving one vehicle to many of my re-enactments instead of two. Since you don’t know why I bought my truck or how I use it, you may not realize that in all actuality I’m saving on gas. This last weekend I drove a round trip of about 300 miles, I burned 23 gallons of gas. If I had my old Ford Ranger that received about 20 mpg with a load and my Minivan that receives about 26 mpg with a load, I would have burned 27 gallons of gas; not counting wear and tear on an extra vehicle. Damn those annoying facts always come back to bite you on the ass!
Most of the time my truck is driven maybe once or twice a week. IÂ’ve owned it for 5 months and I have just over 2000 miles on it now. It was not purchased as an everyday vehicle; I even use synthetic oil in its large engine. It costs more, but I do that for the protection of the moving parts, not the environment.
For those of you that want to argue with me about my beliefs or stances on things. Waste your time. I’m pretty much set in my ways now. I’m a stubborn son of a bitch, I don’t see me reading something you write and saying, “Wait, you’re right… I’ve been wrong all these years.” Wings would sprout out of my ass and I’d fly around my office sprinkling the workplace with joy and love first.
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August 19, 2005
and
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
and
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
and
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
and Finally
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously
These words of wisdom were dutifully stolen from various sources.
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August 18, 2005
Sushi is one of those dishes that not everyone likes, or can stomach watching other people enjoy. Most of my minions fall into later category, they avert their eyes and cover their facess like it might magically leap off the tray and land in their mouths. This is part of the appeal of my getting sushi for lunch. I love walking around eating it; savoring the taste and texture, while people watching me in disgust. Their reaction makes the meal even better; itÂ’s like a mental MSG that just enhances the flavor!
TodayÂ’s lunch was even better then I had anticipated. While ordering my normal spicy tuna rolls, I decided to get a couple of other items, White tuna and Shrimp. When the order came out, I checked the bag as I normally do with take out. Opening the bag, I peeked in and saw two shrimp heads peeking back up at me. Never before had I ordered the shrimp sushi from this restaurant before, thus I had no idea that when they make the shrimp, they fry the heads and serve it with the rest. The heads come complete with cloves for the eyes. To say I found this amusing is an understatement. I almost burst out laughing in the middle of the restaurant. I knew I was going to have fun with this one!
The two-block ride to work seemed to take an eternity. By the time I arrived at my desk I could barely contain my mirth and excitement over the ensuing hilarity. Since I had never ordered shrimp sushi from this restaurant before, I wasnÂ’t sure if I was supposed to eat the shrimp heads or not. While debating with myself on whether or not to eat it, I noticed that the heads appeared to be dipped in some kind of batter and fried. Okay, I decide that I should eat the shrimp heads.
Taking my tray of sushi, I start walking around; acting shocked and hurt when people will not accept my offer to try my sushi, especially the shrimp heads. By all that is good and right in the world I swear that one of my minions almost threw up upon catching site of the shrimp heads. Not all of my minions dislike sushi I do have a couple that genuinely enjoy it. When I came around to one of their desks, she took me up on the offer to have a piece. Right away, she noticed the shrimp head and asked if I was going to eat them. As if I knew what the hell I was talking about, I responded I was. She said she wanted to try the other one. All right, I have a partner in the shrimp head eating. She took one; I took the other and prepared to start eating.
The people sitting around her all stopped to watch. Looking at the shrimp head you could tell it still had the shell onÂ… and the feelers and little legs where still attached. Yet the whole thing was battered and fried. I guess that technically doesnÂ’t make it sushi, so I donÂ’t know what the hell it was actually, but it came with my shrimp sushi (the tails over rice). Not sure exactly if how you are supposed to eat this, I just popped the whole thing in my mouth and crunched down on it.
My minions looked on in horror as if I had just eaten a baby. Apparently, the crunchiness of it made for interesting noises they could hear, which makes sense since the sound inside my head was deafening. One of my minions hurriedly turned her back on me and turned an interesting shade of green. Another squealed, “I can’t believe you ate that” Even my minion who likes sushi looked at me in horror. She was shelling the shrimp head and just eating the meat out of it. Multiple people uttered the phrase, “I think I’m going to be sick.” Me, I just smiled and pretended to enjoy it.
Yes, I said pretended. It was damn nasty. It crunched likeÂ… likeÂ… like hardened shrimp casings! I could handle the extra crunchiness, but the taste was horrible. It tasted likeÂ… likeÂ… like the smell around a commercial fishing pier. It also didnÂ’t smell to pretty, it smelled like it tasted. Have you ever eaten something that as soon as you put it in your mouth you knew you where not going to enjoy it, no matter what? Well that was this shrimp head. Yet I continued to chew and swallow, IÂ’ve eaten worse in my life.
Smiling the whole time while my brain screamed, “IF YOU DON’T GET THIS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH SOON, I’M GOING TO FORCE IT OUT FOR YOU!” Pretending to enjoy it, I swallowed. At this point my brain shouts out, “I meant spit it out, not swallow it… idiot!” My stomach handled it just fine; then again, my stomach probably was just happy there was food. After eating a couple of pieces of pickled ginger and a spicy tuna roll with extra wasabi, I was fine. My taste buds no longer had a residue of the vile tasting thing. My minions just watched mortified as I cheerily ate my sushi. The one that had the other head quickly threw it out stating she had lost her appetite.
I enjoyed the rest of my sushi immensely and IÂ’ve been thinking about the shrimp heads. If I knew then what I know now, would I still eat the shrimp head? My answer would be yes, yes I would. Why? Just for the reaction, it was worth it!
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August 17, 2005
Maybe I’m digging myself into a hole, but let me explain myself. I am now and always have been a very sexual guy; my wife often refers to me as a “Horn Dog”. Since we’ve been together, a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t propositioned or touched my wife in a sexual way… except when she was pregnant. While pregnant, I felt my wife was the most beautiful women in the world. No other women in the history of the world compared to my wife. Sorry ladies. Yet I had no desire to have sex with her.
It wasnÂ’t just in the last months; it was as soon as she was pregnant. ItÂ’s not just her, itÂ’s any pregnant woman. Over the years, I have met many women. Before they were pregnant, they could be or do something I found sexy. As soon as they were with child, I found nothing about them arousing. Even super models and actresses that really work for me, loose their sex appeal as soon as they are impregnated.
Some of you will say this is just me, and you would be wrong. IÂ’ve talked to many guys and a couple of lesbians, and most of the ones IÂ’ve talked to agree with me. They just wonÂ’t admit it to a woman. DonÂ’t lie, you know who you are. During CloneÂ’s pregnancy, I tried to figure out why this occurs. I came up with two possible reasons.
The less likely of the two (in my opinion) is that it is a natural response to want to recreate procreate. There may be some kind of primal instinct in men that make pregnant women less sexually desirable. If a man is looking to mate with a woman, he is not going to want to waste his seed on a pregnant woman. The woman is already pregnant; he will need to go sow his seed elsewhere to produce an offspring.
I think it has more to do with pregnamones. What is a pregnamone you ask? Pregnamones are a hormone produced by pregnant females. This powerful hormone has many different side effects on both men and women. The most noticeable of its side effects is on younger women. When a pregnant woman gets around younger women, who are not pregnant, pregnamones will cause a desire to have children in the non-pregnant women. Some of you are calling bullshite on me right now. After working in an office with a majority of women, I have seen this in action numerous times.
There is always someone pregnant here. Shortly before one of the women here is about to give birth, at least one other announces they are pregnant. Before Clone, whenever one of my friendÂ’s pregnant wives or a pregnant co-worker was around Ktreva, she would start talking about having kids. Then when she was pregnant, I could watch her get around other women and see the glint in their eyes about wanting to have kids of their own. Many a male friend of mine was annoyed by this. Especially one in general whose wife up to that point vehemently denied wanting children at all. After spending time with my wife she started talking about having a baby.
Pregnamones are also responsible to the lack of sexiness in a pregnant woman. Many people, other then myself, have noticed that when a women is pregnant she has a different and distinct scent. Before anyone told me, I outed two pregnant females because of their scent. They came up to talk to me and after a couple of seconds; I had to ask if they were pregnant. On both occasions they where and shocked that I knew since they hadnÂ’t told anyone yet.
It is my belief that this scent is a byproduct of a pregnant woman’s emanation of pregnamones. It serves as a warning to males. It screams, “This woman is pregnant, back away slowly! Irrational behavior and an unstable emotional environment are active in this woman. Make sure you have plenty of chocolate and think twice thrice before you speak!” This warning also causes a flight response in the male, killing his sexual desire.
Right now some of your are nodding your head in agreement, others are shaking their head in disbelief. Either way, this is why VictoriaÂ’s Secret does not make lingerie for pregnant women.
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I have the Galesburg Heritage Festival this weekend. Tonight IÂ’m making sure all the equipment is packed and all the supplies purchased. With both boys coming, that is just more gear that needs to come with. Fortunately with my truck I can haul all we need in one vehicle, so we donÂ’t need to caravan down with both my truck and my wifeÂ’s van. Especially since, it is about a 150-mile trip, thatÂ’s just extra gas I donÂ’t need to be burning.
For food, we are going to be eating like kings again. Saturday morning my lovely and talented wife is making her special Scotch Eggs for us and a couple of friends that I promised could have some. Ktreva is going to make Ruble de thump, which is like colcannon. When we were on vacation, we picked up some meat from a smokehouse we found. We have landjager, pfefferwurst, pepperoni and pickled ham (DonÂ’t knock the ham until you try it! Clone ate five huge serving spoonfuls of it at dinner one night). Sunday my wife is making her signature biscuits and gravy for breakfast. My wife makes some of the best biscuits and gravy IÂ’ve ever had.
The trip down should be interesting. Even after vacation, Clone doesnÂ’t like riding in vehicles. He does tend to riding in the truck better then the van. We arenÂ’t sure why, the only thing we have come up with is that he likes sitting up that high. We thought maybe it was the car seat at first, but we put that into the van and he still didnÂ’t ride well. To make matters even more difficult on us, the major highway I need to take is under construction. IÂ’m currently trying to find an alternative route that will help cut down the time on the road. The toll way happens to be the best and quickest way. Being stuck at 45-55 mph isnÂ’t going to exactly speed up the trip. After all is done, tonight IÂ’m sitting down with my maps, a calculator, measuring devices and paper to calculate my best routes.
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August 16, 2005
Budwieser actually had a good article on it, and I couldn't paraphrase it better, so I'm copying what they said:
Distillation of Alcohol and StillsUnder Federal rules administered by ATF, the legality depends on how you use a still. You may not produce alcohol unless you qualify as a distilled spirits plant (see ATF FAQ's page at their web site.) However, owning a small still and using it for other purposes is allowed. You should also check with your State and local authorities - their rules may differ.
A still is defined as apparatus capable of being used to separate ethyl alcohol from a mixture that contains alcohol. Small stills (with a cubic distilling capacity of a gallon or less) that are used for laboratory purposes or for distilling water or other non-alcoholic materials are exempt from our rules. If you buy a small still and use it to distill water or extract essential oils by steam or water extraction methods, you are not subject to ATF requirements. If you produce essential oils by a solvent method and you get alcohol as a by-product of your process, ATF considers that distilling. Even though you are using and recovering purchased alcohol, you are separating the alcohol from a mixture -distilling.
Under regulations in part 170 of title 27, Code of Federal Regulations, ATF has the right to require manufacturers of stills to give them the name and address of each customer. If they choose to impose this requirement, they inform the manufacturer of the stills by letter.
Some people are under the misconception that all home alcohol production is illegal. Below are the legal guidelines for home production of beer and wine.
Sec. 24.75
Wine for personal or family use(a) General. Any adult may, without payment of tax, produce wine for personal or family use and not for sale.
(b) Quantity. The aggregate amount of wine that may be produced exempt from tax with respect to any household may not exceed:
(1) 200 gallons per calendar year for a household in which two or more adults reside, or
(2) 100 gallons per calendar year if there is only one adult residing in the household.
(c) Definition of an adult. For the purposes of this section, an adult is any individual who is 18 years of age or older. However, if the locality in which the household is located has established by law a greater minimum age at which wine may be sold to individuals, the term ``adult'' will mean an individual who has attained that age.
(d) Proprietors of bonded wine premises. Any adult, defined in Sec. 24.75(c), who operates a bonded wine premises as an individual owner or in partnership with others, may produce wine and remove it from the bonded wine premises free of tax for personal or family use, subject to the limitations in Sec. 24.75(b).
(e) Limitation. This exemption should not in any manner be construed as authorizing the production of wine in violation of applicable State or local law. Except as provided in Sec. 24.75(d), this exemption does not otherwise apply to partnerships, corporations, or associations.
(f) Removal. Wine produced under this section may be removed from the premises where made for personal or family use including use at organized affairs, exhibitions or competitions, such as home winemaker's contests, tastings or judgings, but may not under any circumstances be sold or offered for sale. The proprietor of a bonded wine premises shall pay the tax on any wine removed for personal or family use in excess of the limitations provided in this section and shall also enter all quantities removed for personal or family use on ATF F 5120.17, Report of Bonded Wine Premises Operations.
(Sec. 201, Pub. L. 85-859, 72 Stat. 1331, as amended (26 U.S.C. 5042))
(Approved by the Office of Management and Budget under control number 1512-0216)
[T.D. ATF-299, 55 FR 24989, June 19, 1991, as amended by T.D. ATF-338, 58 FR 19064, Apr. 12, 1993; T.D. ATF-344, 58 FR 40354, July 28, 1993]This was last updated on September 17, 1999
Sec. 25.205
Production of Beer(a) Any adult may produce beer, without payment of tax, for personal or family use and not for sale. An adult is any individual who is 18 years of age or older. If the locality in which the household is located requires a greater minimum age for the sale of beer to individuals, the adult shall be that age before commencing the production of beer. This exemption does not authorize the production of beer for use contrary to State or local law.
(b) The production of beer per household, without payment of tax, for personal or family use may not exceed:
(1) 200 gallons per calendar year if there are two or more adults residing in the household, or (2) 100 gallons per calendar year if there is only one adult residing in the household.
(c) Partnerships except as provided in Sec. 25.207, corporations or associations may not produce beer, without payment of tax, for personal or family use.
(Sec. 201, Pub. L. 85-859, 72 Stat. 1334, as amended (26 U.S.C. 5053))This was last updated on September 17, 1999
Sec. 25.206
Removal of beerBeer made under Sec. 25.205 may be removed from the premises where made for personal or family use including use at organized affairs, exhibitions or competitions such as homemaker's contests, tastings or judging. Beer removed under this section may not be sold or offered for sale.
(Sec. 201, Pub. L. 85-859, 72 Stat. 1334, as amended (26 U.S.C. 5053))Sec. 25.207
Removal from brewery for personal or family use.Any adult, as defined in Sec. 25.205, who operates a brewery under this part as an individual owner or in partnership with others, may remove beer from the brewery without payment of tax for personal or family use. The amount of beer removed for each household, without payment of tax, per calendar year may not exceed 100 gallons if there is one adult residing in the household or 200 gallons if there are two or more adults residing in the household. Beer removed in excess of the above limitations will be reported as a taxable removal.
(Sec. 201, Pub. L. 85-859, 72 Stat. 1334, as amended (26 U.S.C. 5053))
That means there will be no making of whisky in my house. I kind of figured as much, but now I know. This sucks as I was starting to really want to try it out.
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August 15, 2005
Chuck of Diary of a Fat Boy brought up an interesting question. Do squirrels shite? I honestly can say I never saw one actually shite before and with the number that roam my back yard, that is an amazing feat.
Have you ever seen a squirrel unload it's bowels before?
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07:18 PM
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The kids instantly start screaming and yelling. The mother, sounding like the kids had been doing this all day, starts yelling at them. They are pounding on the walls, slamming drawers shut on the dressers and jumping on the beds. Kids will be loud; they cry and just make noise. Having a two and a 12 year old, I understand and can over look that. Adults yelling and slamming drawers, letting kids pound on the walls and jump on the bed, I cannot abide by. There are certain courtesies and etiquette one follows when staying in a hotel or motel.
This would go on for a couple of minutes before stopping. As soon as I would fall back to sleep, they would start again. After a while, I had finally had enough and jumped out of bed to throw some clothes on and see if I couldn’t gently persuade them to shut the hell up! Just as I sat up to do something, my wife leaps up in the bed. With hair flying, she pounds on the wall as hard as she can. With her head flailing between the blows, she hollers out “SHUT THE f#&K UP!”
Stunned, I slowly turn to look at my normally serene and peaceful wife. Her eyes are bugged out, her hair wildly disarrayed, her lips peeled back to show her gritted teeth, a mask of anger had fallen over her beautiful face. Informing her that I was getting ready to head over and “talk” to the neighbors, she responded with, “I couldn’t take it anymore.” I guess I’m starting to rub off on my wife
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05:58 PM
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My new still will not be coming with for this event. IÂ’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that Trail of History will be the first time I take it to an event. There are other supplies I need before I can demonstrate with it. Mainly I need oak barrels and kegs for the mash and finished product, or at least a facsimile of the finished product. Due to various Federal, State and local laws I wonÂ’t be making whisky at the events. There also wonÂ’t be enough time for me to make real whisky at an event. I have to give the mash time to ferment and I canÂ’t do that in 2-day weekend. While I could always have the mash fermenting at home and transport it to the events, I decided not to do that either. I could just see me spilling the mash all over my other gear. IÂ’m just not willing to risk it.
I do need to do some research into the legality of actually distilling in Illinois. My research to this point ended with my confirming that just owning a still is not illegal, and since IÂ’m using it for educational purposes, IÂ’m also covered. However, if I decided I wanted to try actually to make some whisky one time, can I? Right away, some of you are going to say yes, and tell me I can make up to a certain amount. Different people have given me various amounts I can make for personal consumption. My response to that is; where can I find this in the law? There are three distinct different ways to make alcohol, brewing, fermenting and distilling. IÂ’ve found legislation on brewing and fermenting (making beer and wine); however, I have found nothing on distilling, yet.
There is also the fun issue that each state may have a different law on distilling. What you can do in West Virginia may not be the same as here in Illinois. Plus, once you get inside the state, there is always the possibility that a local ordinance restricts you even further. What IÂ’m mainly concerned about is the Federal and Illinois state law. Local ordinances are something I can contact the city attorneys about details. What I donÂ’t want to do is contact the StateÂ’s AttorneyÂ’s office regarding this with out prior information on the law. Why bring down unwanted attention on myself if I donÂ’t have to?
To be honest I havenÂ’t searched very hard yet. There is plenty of time for me to do so before I even think of actually starting the process. However, I figured that on the chance one of my readers already knows this answer and can point me in the right direction, I would use that resource first.
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August 14, 2005
There were two items that I was really excited about. The box was my still! I officially have my copper still. ItÂ’s a little smaller then I thought it would be, however for what IÂ’m going to be using it for, itÂ’s a nice size. ItÂ’s only two gallons (like I ordered), but itÂ’s nice and portable. IÂ’m officially a shiner now! (Does happy dance!)
The other is my acceptance into the Trail of History event. After my resignation from Clan Chattan back in June, this was one of the events I wasnÂ’t sure I would be able to get back into. They are invite only and you have to petition for an invitation. When I picked up the envelope from the McHenry County Conservation District, I could feel our photos in it. I did not take that as a good sign. Upon opening it up and reading that they wanted us to participate, I was ecstatic! We are going back to Trail of History, as independents this time! (No small feat) This was going to be one of the harder of two events that I want to do to get into. If I can get into this one, then IÂ’m sure I can get into the other.
I just wanted to share that with everyone, because I know some of my readers are curious as to whether or not I was getting in. Now IÂ’m off to fill out the paperwork!
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