The other day on my way home from work I saw the largest hair IÂ’ve seen in a long time. This lady had permed platinum blonde hair that was fitted to her head like a helmet. The sides extended at least an inch past the Front of her head! From the side you couldnÂ’t even see the tip of her nose!

To make matters worse, this lady was wearing a fluffy pink coat. Along the wrists it was fur lined, and the fur matched the color of her head. At first I thought maybe I was looking at some kind of strange poodle. After assuring myself that dogs have not taught themselves how to drive, I then thought maybe it was a Sasquatch. A really effeminate, short, albino Sasquatch thatÂ’s into the rave scene, but I donÂ’t think they would come that close to downtown. Thus it had to be a woman.

I know what your thinking, no it was not a hat. It was either real hair or a good (as in realistic, not good looking) wig. I couldnÂ’t get close enough to touch it, she was in the vehicle next to me. Trust me, if we had been standing in a line together, my hand would have floated out to touch her hair. There was no tell-tale sign of it being a hat. This lady went out of her way to make her hair look like a big fuzzy helmet.

The saddest part is that she thinks she looks good! She paid someone to make her look like that and is proud of it. IÂ’m guessing that she was in her 40Â’s, but she may have been as young as 35. Due to the size and shape of her helmet hair, I was never able to get a good look at her face. But I could tell that it was wrinkled and overly tanned. Maybe sheÂ’s trying to hold onto her youth, I donÂ’t know. What I do know is that her hair was distracting.

While I couldnÂ’t help but to stare at it, I missed that the speed limit had changed. This caused me to almost get a speeding ticket. Fortunately she did notice and when she slowed down, so did I. But only because I was staring at her hair.

Posted by: Contagion at 01:00 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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They are rearranging where everyone sits in my office. The move is happening over the weekend, thus everyone is packing this week. That includes me. IÂ’ve sat in this same desk for over 3 years. In that time, IÂ’ve accumulated a lot of crap. This was my cubicle away from sanity. Over the years, IÂ’ve accumulated quite an impressive collection of condiment packages. Soy sauce, mustard, ketchup, horseradish sauce, barbeque sauce, sweet and sour sauce, and salad dressing have filled up about half of one of my desk drawers. I had forgotten that these existed. I just kept throwing the packets in there and never pulled any out.

Today is one of my minions last day in our department; she was promoted to a new position in a different department. Since this is her last day with us, they decided to throw her a potluck. I brought in my legendary chicken enchilada casserole (yes, I cook.) as my dish to pass. It was gone by 9:00 AM; itÂ’s that good. Someone brought in a lunchmeat and cheese tray to make sandwiches. I love a good sandwich, so I made myself roast beef and cheddar sandwich on pumpernickel. Upon taking a bite out of it at my desk, I knew it needed something. No one had brought in any condiments for the sandwiches.

Well, no problem, I just finished cleaning out my desk drawer that had the condiment packages in it, I knew where to find what I needed. Digging through the box I put them in, I pulled out some salad dressing (aka generic mayo) and horseradish. While I was doctoring up my sandwich one of my minions was asking me questions. Then we had a minor emergency on the floor I had to go put out. Forward 20 minutes later, I return to my desk to finish what I was originally doing.

While I was working, I picked up the sandwich and took a bite out of it. It didnÂ’t take but a split second for me to realize something has gone horribly wrong with my sandwich. To say it tasted bad would be quite delicate, this tasted like licking the bottom of a road kill skunk. My gag reflex was kicking into overdrive. Before I hurled, I spit the sandwich out into the trash. Thankfully, IÂ’m still hooked on Listerine Pocketpaks. Three of those strips took the taste out of my mouth.

Carefully I peeled back the bread on the sandwich to take a peek. There, between the lettuce and the meat, was some kind of opaque, green-yellow colored substance with the consistence of baby snot. Sick baby snot! It didnÂ’t take much for me to figure out what the hell that was. Apparently, those condiment packages only last so long, I was looking at the congealing mixture of horseradish and generic mayo gone bad.

The two different rancid substances mixed together had created some kind of chemical reaction. Noticeable distortions in the air were visible around it. The stench was god-awful and it cause my stomach to contract so violently I was sure I was about to spew forth the entire contents of not only my stomach, but also my entire bowel. I am not kidding when I tell you that I think I created life. A life that did NOT want to exist and it new who its creator is.

It might have been my gagging or some psychotropic side effect, but I swear the stuff started to pulsate and move. Grabbing the sandwich, I carried it to a trashcan at an empty desk and threw it away. There was no way in hell that sandwich was staying anywhere near me. I figured let someone else enjoy my stinky creation.

Then I threw away all the condiment packages. I donÂ’t want to risk making the same mistake twice.

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Friday, Ktreva and I were driving home from work in my truck when a stone kicked up by another vehicle chipped my windshield. That didnÂ’t piss me off, as much as it annoyed me. IÂ’ve owned a vehicle for 16 years of my life and this was the first time I ever had a stone chip my windshield. I called a local repair place and had it Saturday morning to have it repaired. Since I was having a repair done, it was filed to my auto-insurance whom waived the deductible and paid for the whole thing. Yay comprehensive insurance!

Sunday on the way down to Fritzfest (A post with pictures will be coming later tonight); another car kicked up a stone and chipped my windshield again! Now IÂ’m pissed off. I know it wasnÂ’t intentional, but to go 16 years with out this happening and having it done twice in 3 days is enough to annoy and anger just about anyone.

I called the repair place again and set up another appointment. The receptionist recognized my name and vehicle and said, “Didn’t we just fix your truck on Saturday.” Informing her that they indeed had, I went on to explain what had happened. I’ll give the receptionist credit, she sounded genuinely sorry about the whole situation. I was expecting laughter and some jokes, that’s what I would have done. Not her, she was trying to comfort me and telling me how sorry she was about the whole situation. To say I was a little uncomfortable with her reaction would be an understatement.

Next, I called my insurance and explained what was happening to them. The representative at my agent’s office was having a hard time understanding what was happening. It took 20 minutes of explaining to get her to understand that there will be two claims for the same type of service. Those claims will be coming from the same shop, yet each claim will be a different day. Because the shop is repairing the windshield twice, once for the original nicked windshield and again for a second nicked windshield. I still don’t understand what part of, “A second stone chipped my windshield after I had it originally repaired. I’m going to have the same place fix this one too” was so hard to comprehend.

Hopefully this repair will go as smooth as the last one.

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As a follow up to my earlier post, tonight when I emptied the remnants of the then warm keg I measured the amount of sweet golden nectar that I was pouring down the drain. It came out to be just over 6 pints. Six pints people! ThatÂ’s about three quarters of a gallon. I could have finished that off!

I would have been able to shite through a strainer, but I could have finished that off. If I only hadnÂ’t let it go warm! Why, why did I do that?

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I noticed that I was getting a lot of google hits for “Pack Of Angry Chihuahuas Attack Officer”. I just had to see what the heck was going on so I brought up google and checked, sure enough I find this story, Pack of Angry Chihuahuas Attack Officer.

When I wrote this post, I was warned you! I foretold you all that this was going to happen. Now IÂ’m just waiting for them to open up hunting season!

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ARGH!!!!!

One of my peers has this week off. IÂ’m doing both his and my job.

I’m also attending five meetings a day to give the “good” news about goal changes for next year.

There is a reason they have two people to do both jobs, there just not enough minutes in an hour to get all the stuff done for both jobs each hour.

Throw in meetings, even if they only take 15-30 minutes and you have even less time.

Something has to not be done when this happens, which is usually my peers job. People get upset if they request time off and you donÂ’t approve it right away.

All this has caused my brain to think funny thoughtsÂ….

Salt looks better on a margarita glass then on the roadÂ…

Â…I hate margaritas.

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Yesterday morning, I bundled up the family and braved the great world of retail. We had to do some more Christmas shopping and it was just easier to do it early on a Sunday then any other time. The stores werenÂ’t as crowded. DonÂ’t get me wrong, they where still crowded, just not AS bad. YesterdayÂ’s little excursion just cemented my opinion on something.

People just donÂ’t understand gift giving/receiving, including myself.

Ever since I can remember, I always hated Christmas shopping. IÂ’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years. The first thing I concluded on is that there are two different types of gifts. The true gifts where you want to buy somebody something and the obligatory gifts where you feel you have to get someone a gift.

When I want to get someone a gift, I have no problem coming up with ideas on what to get the person. Sometimes my ideas are good, sometime bad, but I always have an idea. When it’s an obligatory gift, I always have problems. I’m buying this gift not because I want to, but because I have to. This is when I start asking people what they want. In these cases, just tell me and I’ll get it for you. It cuts down on the time wasted by me. That’s not to say that I don’t ask for ideas from people I want to buy a gift. Sometimes my ideas don’t pan out or are just not feasible. Like this year, I wanted to buy Ktreva a very specific item. I traveled 4 hours round trip only to find out they didn’t have what I wanted in her size. Yes, I called first. But they don’t have a “hold policy”. My back up gift didn’t pan out either. Therefore, I had to ask for ideas.

Then there is the cost factor. I don’t know about everyone else, but I generally set a dollar limit on what I want or can spend per individual. With the amount of people, I’m buying for I want to make sure I budget appropriately. Nothing irks me more then when you ask someone what they want for Christmas and the items on the list are all at least twice, what you wanted to spend. For example, let’s say you have a sibling that you have no clue as to what to get them for Christmas. They give you a list that includes an Xbox, Play Station Portable, a new cordless drill and a 32-inch TV. You had planned to spend about $100.00 on this gift. Good luck, and of those items you can get for around that price is either going to be used or an off-brand POS. When/if I’m asked what I want for a gift, my answer is usually, “Nothing.” I don’t want people wasting their time or money buying me something. If they push the issue, I’ll give in and tell them to get me a gift certificate to some store. That way I can pick out what I want. If they give me $1.00 or $1,000.00, I don’t care. I just hope they wanted to get me a gift and didn’t feel they had to.

Then there are the non-gifts. The gifts that are given that really arenÂ’t for the individual it was intended. This isnÂ’t just the Hollweird sitcom situation of a husband giving the wife a bowling ball that is sized to fit the husband. Let me give you an example, Lingerie. Guys, when you buy some sexy slinky outfit for your woman, is that really for her or is it for you? LetÂ’s face it, itÂ’s for you. Unless your girlfriend/wife is a stripper, you are the only person that is going to see it. According to women, the sexy stuff isnÂ’t comfortable, so they arenÂ’t going to be wearing it around all day. This also applies to most electronics, especially kitchen appliances. If there is a good chance that the gift giver is going to be using it about 40% plus of the time. This should not be a gift. This should be a purchase you make on some day just for the heck of it. Now, as a caveat to that, if a person specifically and adamantly requests said item, that overrules this guideline. One year I was given a CD that my wife the gift giver thought I would like. She The gift giver ended up taking it to work and kept it for weeks before I had a chance to listen to it. Was that gift bought for me or for that individual?

Gift certificates are a no-no. Why? They show a complete and utter lack of thought. Now there are two situations when gift certificates are okay. The first is when the recipient requests them. Like myself, I would rather have a gift certificate to Best Buy, Gander Mountain, even the mall then anything else. There are items that I wonÂ’t buy for myself that I wonÂ’t ask for either that these give me a chance to get. Alternatively, maybe itÂ’s something I want to pick out for myself. Gift certificates are great in that case. Plus, I can save them up and instead of getting a bunch of smaller items; I can get one larger. IÂ’ve bought many big-ticket items doing that.

The second situation where gift certificates are okay is if it is for a place that provides a service. Trust me, when the guys went in and got me that $100.00 gift certificate for the strip club, I was in heaven! IÂ’m kidding, I donÂ’t even know if strip clubs do that, but if you own one and read thisÂ… think about it! What IÂ’m really talking about is for SpaÂ’s, salons, nail boutiques, etc. My wife likes to go to a local spa for treatments. Since she changes what she has done, based on her mood, I donÂ’t know which package to purchase. Even if I did, I canÂ’t schedule it for her. Therefore, if I want to do something nice like that for her, I have to get a gift certificate. Just make sure that if you buy a gift certificate itÂ’s at a place the recipient will use it.

IÂ’m sure there are other no-noÂ’s or rules to gift giving I havenÂ’t thought of yet. If anyone has any they would like to share, I would appreciate it. This list is just what IÂ’ve observed and concluded on this year.

Posted by: Contagion at 12:25 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 Wouldn't it be great if everyone in the circle of gift giving would just abstain from giving gifts and just allowed everyone to keep their own money, they would have spent on everyone elses present, and buy themself one cool kick ass present.

Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony at December 19, 2005 11:44 AM (fk/lm)

2 I'm into restaurant gift certificates. Gives me an opportunity to get out. But I generally don't want gifts that I have to give ideas for. if you don't know me, don't buy me gifts. Unless it is chocolate . . .

Posted by: Oddybobo at December 19, 2005 11:59 AM (6Gm0j)

3 God I hate obligatory gifts. Of course, I'm going out today to buy a few of those, because I hate the family guilt trips more than the obligatory gifts, but still.

I actually had a few things in mind for people that I actually *want* to get stuff for but I spent too much time searching, and as it turns out I'll only be able to get the stuff mail-order if at all there's no way I'd be able to get them by christmas now - maybe I'll have to make the belated gifts or something...

Posted by: Shadoglare at December 19, 2005 01:25 PM (gqkOY)

4 We love food, I mean loooove food.

We ask for gift certificates to different restaurants so we can try them.

Family refuses to get them for us saying they are not real gifts, so instead they go buy some useless gift we never use. Wastes their money and our storage space at home.

Posted by: Machelle at December 19, 2005 02:55 PM (ZAyoW)

5 Worst part is - for my parents and my husband's father... what do you get people who have the stuff they want and don't ever really go anywhere or do anything?

Years ago I asked if the family could halt the gift giving thing. Husband and I were flat broke with a child and everyone knew this... but I was the scrooge because I didn't want to give useless gifts for which I had no money!

So, now I give Borders gift cards to the nieces and nephews. I did get something for my dad... since my sister insisted (she called and told me what to get him - then when I called her back to tell her it was being delivered to the house... she said "I already got him one of those"... I said - oh well, he'll have 2 then... GRRRR!!!! )... still don't know what to get my mom. Man I hate this crap!

Then today I went out and bought something for a friend... and had no trouble at all. Amazing how that works!

Posted by: Teresa at December 19, 2005 04:50 PM (FZwDL)

6 I think I just learned one of the keys to your psyche "I’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years.". Dude, you've gotta turn in your "Man Card" for that offense. I would think that it was from the "Heap-Big" brainwashing you'd recieved from those nice ladies, but this happenned BEFORE your visit with them.

(Sigh) This is how Metrosexuals are born you know.

Posted by: Johnny - Oh at December 19, 2005 06:16 PM (aPsUA)

7 Johnny-oh.. what part of that bothers you? I started shopping in November so I could avoid going the mall/stores during the busy time, thus not body checking an old lady and ending up in jail or the fact that I actually dwelled on that though for that long?

Posted by: Contagion at December 20, 2005 06:58 AM (Q5WxB)

8 Well, I WAS going to give you the gift that keeps on giving, deer hide, but eh, they all had holes in them.

Posted by: Raging Mom at December 20, 2005 10:23 AM (L+bvJ)

9 When buying for women, remember this truism:

"If it has a cord, it isn't a gift"

Pretty sure that it's the opposite for guys.

Posted by: Harvey at December 22, 2005 06:51 AM (ubhj8)

10 Check out http://www.gifts4ladies.co.uk/

They have fab ladies gifts!;-)

Posted by: Gina at March 14, 2006 07:29 AM (u2AnQ)

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IÂ’m getting ready to head out to help Tammi get her move on. That means I wonÂ’t be here for my normal amount of disturbing Saturday posts. Since I knew you all would be disappointed in me if I didnÂ’t, and to prove my newfound sensitivity is gone. I found something special, just for today.

Do you have a favorite sex toy? Are you worried that it gets cold when it’s not in with you? Do you worship an ancient evil and are just waiting for it to “rise” again? If so you need this!

Yes folks, someone made and auctioned it, I just reported it. I guess maybe I should start referring to Mr. Happy as “The one eyed tentacled evil monster that is Cthulhu.”

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1 Yeah, and now that the Cthulhu one has been sold, you can get the Trogdor edition, which I would have posted a link to but your spam blocker is being a dickmunch

Posted by: Shadoglare at December 17, 2005 11:25 AM (7/W5a)

2 ROFLOL..... LOL... LOL.... SIIIIIIIGH...

OMG! ROFLOL... LOL... LOL...

LMAO

Posted by: Michele at December 19, 2005 12:16 AM (beN4P)

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THIS. IS. WRONG. I really wish I had not taken the time to watch this. However, being the fine upstanding arsehole that I am, I felt the need to share it with all of you. DO NOT WATCH THIS.

If you do, itÂ’s your own fault. I donÂ’t think I can drink beer again.

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Going through my newsreader, I read this headline; “Deferred Success” is new term for Failure? Because my blood pressure hasn’t been high enough of late, I figured I should read this brief article.

The story is actually about a list of this year’s most “politically correct” terms. The top ten are rather musing.

1) Misguided Criminals. Leave it to the BBC and those crazy Brits not to want to offend Terrorists by calling them Terrorist. WhatÂ’s next, calling politicians Misguided Profiteers?

2) Intrinsic Aptitude. The President of Harvard University used this term to explain why females are underrepresented in engineering and science. I think most of my female readers will take exception to this. Maybe the President of Harvard had some intrinsic aptitude in his speech writing ability.

3) Thought Shower. Apparently, people with brain disorders find brainstorming to be a bad idea. Since they have BRAIN disorders, I wouldnÂ’t think they would have had time to have THOUGHT at all.

4)La Racaille. ItÂ’s French for scumÂ… and was used to describe the Muslim rioters in Paris. YeaÂ… thatÂ’s PC for you! Stupid French!

5) Out of the Mainstream. For all you political blogs, grab onto this baby. This describes political opponents that have an opposing opinion to your own. I always thought this was called a hippy.

6) Deferred Success. Again, those wacky Brits are at it. They don’t want their school kids feeling bad about themselves for failing, so now they have deferred success. I actually tried to use this term today in my quarterly review. When my manager asked me why I had failed to meet my goals, I explained, “I didn’t fail. I had deferred success.” Apparently, she feels this term will have the same deferred success as I do.

7)Womyn. They want to take the Men out of Women. IÂ’m all for that. IÂ’ve always found lesbianism to be art. However, I know quite a few ladies like the idea of men being in women. Yea, you know who you are!

C. E. (Common Era). This is going to replace A.D. (anno Domini, Year of our lord). What in gods name are they not trying to take gods name out of anymore?

9) The general de-Christianization of Christian holidays and making them gender neutral. You get stuff like “God Rest ye Merry Persons” and “Season’s Greetings”. Hey, let the Christians keep their holidays! What’s next, feeding them to lions? Wait a sec…

10) Australian’s not being allowed to use the term “Mate” to address members of parliament. What? No “G’day Mate”! No “Wanna throw some shrimp on the Barbie, mate?”! No “Do ya wanna mate, mate?”! That’s just wrong. What’s next, I can’t refer to the president as, “That Texas Dude”? I believe this one met with deferred success in Australia.

If I was easily offended, I think I might just be offended by the fact that they don’t want me to say, “Some woman teacher failed to teach my child chemistry because women just aren’t good in science. It didn’t help that she spent too much time brainstorming over how to teach about Terrorists and Muslim rioters in Paris in 2005AD. Maybe her hippy political beliefs are a result for the fact that her husband dumped in Australia on Christmas day saying, `Merry Christmas, Mate!’” It’s a good thing I don’t feel that way.

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Reading through my normal daily news stuff, I stumbled across this headline: Woman weds teen, spends honeymoon in jail. I knew that reading this was not going to be the best idea, but I couldnÂ’t help but click on the link to read the story. Just like many of you either just did or will in a second. While reading this, two things popped into my head.

The first being, what is with this rash of older women sleeping with teenage boys? When I was a teenager, you never heard of stuff like this. Moreover, some of these women are actually good looking ladies. CanÂ’t they find a man their age? What is the attraction of a teenage boy? It canÂ’t be the financial security or their ability to provide. Think about it. They really have nothing to offer other then awkward teenage sex. Yet these women keep picking them up! Ladies, maybe you can help me understand the mentality there. If anyone has any clue as to why a woman would do this, please fill me in.

IÂ’m not saying that when I was 15 I wouldnÂ’t want some woman using me as her sex toy. I think that is every teenage boys dream. Stuff like this just never happened when I was a kid. This is a relatively new development in the last 10-15 years. If it did happen when I was younger, then the women where much better about keeping it concealed.

The second thing that stuck out to me was this little blurb:

”Under Georgia law, teenagers may marry as long as they are at least 16 and have the permission of a parent or guardian. Those restrictions are waived, however, when a female applicant is pregnant”

OkayÂ… so if Bobby John 14 and Sally Mae 13 get it on and Sally is impregnated, they legally can marry in Georgia? ThatÂ’s how IÂ’m reading that. Is there a rash of teenage pregnancies in Georgia? IÂ’m not saying that to be mean, I really want to know. When I was in Middle and High School, I remember girls and guys talking about getting married as soon as they turned 18. (You have to be 18 in Illinois). Some of these kids were really stupid; they were even talking about having babies.

In my mind, if this was the law in Illinois, I could see some of these couples talking it over and deciding they canÂ’t wait until they where 16 to get married. They decide that since they want a baby anyway, they will have sex and get the girl pregnant. Some of you are probably thinking IÂ’m exaggerating. No, trust me, IÂ’m not. The four distinct couples I am thinking about I could see doing this. Why? In each case, the girl was pregnant by 15 because she wanted a baby!

If any of you are from Georgia and can answer the question on this law, I would appreciate it.

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All of us have heard at one time or another that drinking pop will kill you. This may be true, and I found a site to help you figure out how much caffeine is too much.

Go check out Death by Caffeine. "Pop" in your weight, select your favorite caffeinated beverage and see if you are drinking anywhere close to a lethal amount.

Man, it only takes 301 cans of Diet Mountain Dew to kill me. Good thing I barely drink it anymore!

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It appears that imitative 901 passed in the state of Washington. This is the law I was complaining about in an earlier post. What the passing of this law tells me is two things:

1) The people in the state of Washington donÂ’t feel that I am mature enough to make my own decisions. Smokers arenÂ’t smart enough to quit and Non-smokers arenÂ’t smart enough to stay away from smokers.

2) The state of Washington is now on my list of places I never want to visit. It joins the super happy fun cities of Dallas and Fort Worth, Texas, any place in South or Central America and all third world countries.

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IÂ’ve seen sites where people make confessions about various things before. This site doesnÂ’t offer much different or even anything all that orriginal. However, this confession is just wrong! (Click at your own risk!)

Excuse me while I go scrub my brain with a Brillo pad.

Posted by: Contagion at 05:29 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Stumbling through various news sources, I ran across this article: 320 people arrested for sorcery. I never imagined that Sorcery was such a widespread problem in the Pacific Islands. That is now what caught my attention in this article. It was this little tidbit:

“Cargo cults believe that western goods or cargo, first encountered through missionaries and explorers, are created by ancestral spirits. They have been known to build airstrips in the jungles in the belief that planes would land with cargo.”

Huh? Let me get this straight. The belief is that ancestral sprits poof into existence various items made the west (America, Europe, Mexico and to be honest China), put them on airplanes and deliver them to these people. Well once I put it like that, it sounds like BS that no one in a right frame of mind could believe. Maybe itÂ’s more like the ancestral spirits were responsible for western culture to invent, produce and ship the items to them. That sounds more plausible, yet still hokey.

Now for their belief is that if they spend hours building airstrips, their ancestral spirits would have planes land with all the goodies they want. How are the planes going to know where to land? Why would some manufacturer or distributor ship anything to Bumblehead Island in the South Pacific? Has this ever worked?

Because if this actually works IÂ’m starting an Alcohol cult here in the Americas. We are going to clear out cornfields to make landing strips so that my ancestral spirits will deliver planes full of good Scotch whisky and beer from the UK. (Hey, I like Guinness, MurphyÂ’s, McEwenÂ’s, etc.). This at least makes more senseÂ… well to me. My Ancestral Spirits will be delivering my ancestral spirits (As in booze). IÂ’m of Scottish decent. Looking at my family history, they would all want me to have the best liquor. I mean we are talking about a family that has traditions steeped in drinking, well on one side of the family.

The problem of recruiting members wouldnÂ’t be that difficult, if it works. I think I might be able to find a recruit or two.

Posted by: Contagion at 12:48 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 Have machete, will travel.

Posted by: Ogre at November 04, 2005 10:24 AM (/k+l4)

2 now come one, I can out drink Martha Stewart for Gods sake......

no invitation, that is plain ole wrong....

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at November 04, 2005 11:05 AM (NLRiF)

3 Yep, I'm with AWTM! Where's my invite, I can git down with a cult. I'm beginning to think Ogre is right . . . no one likes me

Posted by: oddybobo at November 04, 2005 11:14 AM (6Gm0j)

4 AWTM and Oddy, I'm sorry I didn't invite you. You would both be more then welcome. I over looked both of you because I've never drank with either of you nor had I read anything on your posts/comments that really indicated either was a "drinker". My mistake. The same goes for anyone else I may have offended by not inviting.

Posted by: Contagion at November 04, 2005 11:31 AM (Q5WxB)

5 .. sign me up..

Posted by: Eric at November 04, 2005 12:25 PM (uHA2j)

6 All I have to say about this is are we using machinery or chemicals to clear out the corn fields?

Posted by: Graumagus at November 05, 2005 01:28 PM (98II9)

7 Grau - only fire can properly purify the land!

Posted by: Harvey at November 05, 2005 02:52 PM (ubhj8)

8 I'm in... no doubt, I'm in.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at November 06, 2005 08:22 AM (vnD9Q)

9 I'll bow down to that alter (or bar, or whatever). :-)

Posted by: Wes at November 06, 2005 12:27 PM (z3Hul)

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With computer technology growing in leaps and bounds, itÂ’s nice to see there is a homegrown industry still out there. In all seriousness, IÂ’ve been known to carve pumpkins before Halloween, and carve them up with swords after. This guy however made a functioning computer out of one. This would be cool if it wasnÂ’t for the fact that after a week it would start to rot. In addition, after 12 hours of serious blogging your house would smell like burnt pumpkin pie!

Posted by: Contagion at 05:24 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 97 words, total size 1 kb.

Today for lunch, I decided to eat something I havenÂ’t had in a long time. After speaking with my wife, we decided to hit a nearby restaurant to pick up some take out after we ran some errands. During our excursion, I was excited at the prospect of eating one of my favorite dishes. Even more appealing was watching peopleÂ’s reactions to my eating it at work.

Sushi is one of those dishes that not everyone likes, or can stomach watching other people enjoy. Most of my minions fall into later category, they avert their eyes and cover their facess like it might magically leap off the tray and land in their mouths. This is part of the appeal of my getting sushi for lunch. I love walking around eating it; savoring the taste and texture, while people watching me in disgust. Their reaction makes the meal even better; itÂ’s like a mental MSG that just enhances the flavor!

TodayÂ’s lunch was even better then I had anticipated. While ordering my normal spicy tuna rolls, I decided to get a couple of other items, White tuna and Shrimp. When the order came out, I checked the bag as I normally do with take out. Opening the bag, I peeked in and saw two shrimp heads peeking back up at me. Never before had I ordered the shrimp sushi from this restaurant before, thus I had no idea that when they make the shrimp, they fry the heads and serve it with the rest. The heads come complete with cloves for the eyes. To say I found this amusing is an understatement. I almost burst out laughing in the middle of the restaurant. I knew I was going to have fun with this one!

The two-block ride to work seemed to take an eternity. By the time I arrived at my desk I could barely contain my mirth and excitement over the ensuing hilarity. Since I had never ordered shrimp sushi from this restaurant before, I wasnÂ’t sure if I was supposed to eat the shrimp heads or not. While debating with myself on whether or not to eat it, I noticed that the heads appeared to be dipped in some kind of batter and fried. Okay, I decide that I should eat the shrimp heads.

Taking my tray of sushi, I start walking around; acting shocked and hurt when people will not accept my offer to try my sushi, especially the shrimp heads. By all that is good and right in the world I swear that one of my minions almost threw up upon catching site of the shrimp heads. Not all of my minions dislike sushi I do have a couple that genuinely enjoy it. When I came around to one of their desks, she took me up on the offer to have a piece. Right away, she noticed the shrimp head and asked if I was going to eat them. As if I knew what the hell I was talking about, I responded I was. She said she wanted to try the other one. All right, I have a partner in the shrimp head eating. She took one; I took the other and prepared to start eating.

The people sitting around her all stopped to watch. Looking at the shrimp head you could tell it still had the shell onÂ… and the feelers and little legs where still attached. Yet the whole thing was battered and fried. I guess that technically doesnÂ’t make it sushi, so I donÂ’t know what the hell it was actually, but it came with my shrimp sushi (the tails over rice). Not sure exactly if how you are supposed to eat this, I just popped the whole thing in my mouth and crunched down on it.

My minions looked on in horror as if I had just eaten a baby. Apparently, the crunchiness of it made for interesting noises they could hear, which makes sense since the sound inside my head was deafening. One of my minions hurriedly turned her back on me and turned an interesting shade of green. Another squealed, “I can’t believe you ate that” Even my minion who likes sushi looked at me in horror. She was shelling the shrimp head and just eating the meat out of it. Multiple people uttered the phrase, “I think I’m going to be sick.” Me, I just smiled and pretended to enjoy it.

Yes, I said pretended. It was damn nasty. It crunched likeÂ… likeÂ… like hardened shrimp casings! I could handle the extra crunchiness, but the taste was horrible. It tasted likeÂ… likeÂ… like the smell around a commercial fishing pier. It also didnÂ’t smell to pretty, it smelled like it tasted. Have you ever eaten something that as soon as you put it in your mouth you knew you where not going to enjoy it, no matter what? Well that was this shrimp head. Yet I continued to chew and swallow, IÂ’ve eaten worse in my life.

Smiling the whole time while my brain screamed, “IF YOU DON’T GET THIS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH SOON, I’M GOING TO FORCE IT OUT FOR YOU!” Pretending to enjoy it, I swallowed. At this point my brain shouts out, “I meant spit it out, not swallow it… idiot!” My stomach handled it just fine; then again, my stomach probably was just happy there was food. After eating a couple of pieces of pickled ginger and a spicy tuna roll with extra wasabi, I was fine. My taste buds no longer had a residue of the vile tasting thing. My minions just watched mortified as I cheerily ate my sushi. The one that had the other head quickly threw it out stating she had lost her appetite.

I enjoyed the rest of my sushi immensely and IÂ’ve been thinking about the shrimp heads. If I knew then what I know now, would I still eat the shrimp head? My answer would be yes, yes I would. Why? Just for the reaction, it was worth it!

Posted by: Contagion at 04:03 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 1017 words, total size 5 kb.

...would anyone see it?

Chuck of Diary of a Fat Boy brought up an interesting question. Do squirrels shite? I honestly can say I never saw one actually shite before and with the number that roam my back yard, that is an amazing feat.

Have you ever seen a squirrel unload it's bowels before?

Posted by: Contagion at 07:18 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 68 words, total size 1 kb.

This story is not for the weak stomached. If you are easily nauseated or have delicate sensibilities, please do not read this story. Stop reading now and skip to the next post. If you keep reading, youÂ’ve been warned. IÂ’d put this in an extended entry, but I donÂ’t like the way they look right now and I donÂ’t have time to play with the HTML.

Last night after dinner, I was sitting out on the front porch with my wife and our friend Anathematized. My neighbor from across the street comes over and asks me if I had a problem in my basement. He said that the Rock River Water Reclamation district had been out here earlier in the day working on the sewer. He tells me that they had come out to do a routine cleaning and had hooked a hose up to the fire hydrant. They then proceeded to squirt this high-pressured water into the sewer. When they did so, they back washed raw sewage into his basement. He was coming over to advise me to check mine.

It was a hot day, in the 90’s; I figured if I had raw sewage in my un-air conditioned home that I would have smelt it. To play it safe I put on my shoes and went to check. I opened the door to the basement. A hot pungent smell assaulted my senses. I mumbled, “Shit.” I wasn’t trying to be literal. I go down the stairs and turn the corner towards our washer and dryer. Stopping dead in my tracks I exclaim, “HOLY SHIT!” However, there was nothing holy about this fecal matter. There on the floor of my basement is three inches of fecal matter!

I have a limestone walled basement, thus I get a lot of moisture down there in the summer, even in a drought. We have two dehumidifiers to battle this problem. With the extra “moisture” both had filled up and kicked off. Combine the moisture with the heat of the fecal matter and the already hot temperature; you have a sewage sauna. For the first time that I owned my house I was glad that when some previous owner decided to replace the basement floor with concrete; that they didn’t do a good job. The floor is uneven and tends to slant, not intentionally, toward one corner. Most of the raw sewage was contained to about a third of the basement, up to the ankle at the deepest point. Trust me on the depth, *I* know. Unfortunately, there are all kinds of raises and hollows, including a dike that keeps water from flowing into the floor drain.

The sewage was puddled over the floor drain, yet it wasn’t draining. I needed that drain to work or there was no way for me to clean this up. Taking one look at the work boots I’ve owned for two years I mumbled, “I need new shoes anyway” and stepped on in. As I waded toward the drain, I noticed it was getting deeper and deeper. This is how I know it was ankle deep… I was thankful for the waterproof work boots. I get to the drain. I can’t see anything through the thick dark sewage. Using a squeegee broom I had as a lever, I removed the cap from the drain. This caused a whirlpool of this chocolaty looking substance… with peanuts. I then ran our hose down the basement and started to squeegee and rinse out the fecal material. I own a five-gallon shop vac, but it was easier to use the squeegee broom and push it down the drain. My wife had picked two of these brooms up at the Boone County Faire last year… I can honestly say they are the best investment I’ve made in a cleaning tool… EVER! It would scrape the floor clean and then watch, as the poo water would fill back in. If I had used the shop vac, I would have had to empty it more often and probably make a bigger mess. All was going well until the fluid stopped going down the drain. I tried to see if any big… chunks… had clogged the pipe. Nope, that didn’t work. I sent my wife for my snake. Failure again, I don’t have a large industrial snake for pipes that big, it just wasn’t strong enough to “grab” onto the problem. It did tell me though that the clog wasn’t very deep in the pipe. I grabbed the only latex gloves I had put them on. These gloves were first aid gloves that only went to my wrists. I prayed the raw sewage wasn’t that deep as I reached for the hole. Wait… you don’t think I’m sticking my hand down there do you?!?!? Are you kidding me? That is other peoples urine, feces, used toilet paper, used tampons and whatever the hell else the flushed. I used the Shop vac I told you about earlier and sucked the damn fluid out of the drain. When I did so I was able to fit the nozzle far enough down the pipe to grab and remove the obstruction. Yes, it is what you are thinking of; no, it didn’t look like a baby ruth!

While cleaning I discovered that the point of origin was the toilet I have in the basement. Apparently, it exploded out of the bowl like geyser spraying all over the walls and tank. The area around the toilet looked like it was hit with by sCategory 3 hurricane!

Fortunately, most of the stuff that we store in the basement is in Rubbermaid containers. We only had three cardboard boxes that were ruined. However the items on the inside where undamaged we just pitched the boxes. We did have some laundry that was stacked on the floor that was ruined, including some re-enacting costuming. Other items needed cleaning. I think we probably lost about $500.00 worth of items. Moreover, three hours of my life IÂ’ll never get back that I spent wading in shit. Excuse my language please IÂ’m still pissed off. (Pun not intentional.)

After the clean up I looked up information on the Rock River Water Reclamation District. They have a “24 hour 365 day a year” emergency number for back ups. I called that only to find the number is disconnected. I called them this morning during business hours and spoke with a supervisor to file a complaint. I was told that they do a routine cleaning of the pipes every 5 years. They where called out yesterday because they where told there was a back up. They use a high-pressure water system to clean these clogs out of the sewer. It usually only takes 1-2 tries with this system to move the clog, however this time they had to use 4 attempts to dislodge it. If the pipe leading to your house is by where the clog is it can force the water back up the pipes and into your basement. Clogs caused by Tree Roots, grease or objects flushed down a toilet do not constitute negligence on their part. (I do agree that they are not responsible for someone pouring grease, condoms, and toys down the drain or doing la caca grande) They do not clean up messes that are made. If I feel that my issue was a result of their negligence then I can file a claim with their insurance.

Since it exploded out of my toilet, I feel this was negligence. As a reasonable person if a normal clog only takes one or two attempts to remove it, I would have thought they would have attempted to use the auger the supervisor told me about instead of continuing to blast raw sewage into peopleÂ’s basements. I figure if I file and they deny, then at least I tried. WhatÂ’s the worse thatÂ’s going to happen? They back more sewage into my basement.

Speaking of which when the supervisor called me back he told me that they were still having problems in that neighborhood and where out there again today working on it. That means that I could come home to another Fecal Funland in my basement.

Posted by: Contagion at 01:10 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 1375 words, total size 8 kb.