What the hell! All right I know there has been many cross-promotional things. Almost a year ago I made fun of the Star Wars/Darth Vader Cheez-Its promotion. Now I find this:

Captain Jack Sparrow has his own cereal.

The box describes the cereal to be “Naturally sweetened chocolate pearl shaped cereal with pirate shaped marshmallows”. Pirate shaped marshmallows, what is a pirate shaped marshmallow? Cutlass, cannon, pistols, pirate ship, a plank? Looking at the picture it’s too hard to tell. But enough, lets get to the meat and potatoes of this post. My anticipated vision for the commercial.

(Opening on the deck of the Black Pearl, Captain Jack Sparrow saunters up to the camera)

Jack, “Being stranded on a deserted island takes a lot out of a pirate. The solitude, the loneliness, drinking the secret stash of rum can wear a person down. Then there is the threat of mutiny, the British fleet and of course the walking dead. A pirate needs their strength to handle these situations.

(In walks Will Turner holding a box of cereal)

Will, “That’s why we eat Kellogg’s Pirates of the Caribbean cereal. It provides us with everything we need to be the scourge of the seas. With Pirate shaped marshmallows and little black pearl shaped cereal bits it’s fortified with vitamins and minerals that makes a body strong.

Jack, “It tastes great and is part of a complete breakfast!”

(Camera pans out to show Elizabeth Swann hopefully wearing something tight and revealing tied up on the end of the plank)

Elizabeth, “If you don’t eat it, they’ll make you walk the plank!”

(Jack and Will look at each other and nod. Fade to picture of the box sitting behind a bowl of cereal, a glass of milk, a plate with toast, and a glass of juice. In the background you see Elizabeth pushed off the plank and there is a big splash)

Posted by: Contagion at 09:47 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The other day on my way home from work I saw the largest hair IÂ’ve seen in a long time. This lady had permed platinum blonde hair that was fitted to her head like a helmet. The sides extended at least an inch past the Front of her head! From the side you couldnÂ’t even see the tip of her nose!

To make matters worse, this lady was wearing a fluffy pink coat. Along the wrists it was fur lined, and the fur matched the color of her head. At first I thought maybe I was looking at some kind of strange poodle. After assuring myself that dogs have not taught themselves how to drive, I then thought maybe it was a Sasquatch. A really effeminate, short, albino Sasquatch thatÂ’s into the rave scene, but I donÂ’t think they would come that close to downtown. Thus it had to be a woman.

I know what your thinking, no it was not a hat. It was either real hair or a good (as in realistic, not good looking) wig. I couldnÂ’t get close enough to touch it, she was in the vehicle next to me. Trust me, if we had been standing in a line together, my hand would have floated out to touch her hair. There was no tell-tale sign of it being a hat. This lady went out of her way to make her hair look like a big fuzzy helmet.

The saddest part is that she thinks she looks good! She paid someone to make her look like that and is proud of it. IÂ’m guessing that she was in her 40Â’s, but she may have been as young as 35. Due to the size and shape of her helmet hair, I was never able to get a good look at her face. But I could tell that it was wrinkled and overly tanned. Maybe sheÂ’s trying to hold onto her youth, I donÂ’t know. What I do know is that her hair was distracting.

While I couldnÂ’t help but to stare at it, I missed that the speed limit had changed. This caused me to almost get a speeding ticket. Fortunately she did notice and when she slowed down, so did I. But only because I was staring at her hair.

Posted by: Contagion at 01:00 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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They are rearranging where everyone sits in my office. The move is happening over the weekend, thus everyone is packing this week. That includes me. IÂ’ve sat in this same desk for over 3 years. In that time, IÂ’ve accumulated a lot of crap. This was my cubicle away from sanity. Over the years, IÂ’ve accumulated quite an impressive collection of condiment packages. Soy sauce, mustard, ketchup, horseradish sauce, barbeque sauce, sweet and sour sauce, and salad dressing have filled up about half of one of my desk drawers. I had forgotten that these existed. I just kept throwing the packets in there and never pulled any out.

Today is one of my minions last day in our department; she was promoted to a new position in a different department. Since this is her last day with us, they decided to throw her a potluck. I brought in my legendary chicken enchilada casserole (yes, I cook.) as my dish to pass. It was gone by 9:00 AM; itÂ’s that good. Someone brought in a lunchmeat and cheese tray to make sandwiches. I love a good sandwich, so I made myself roast beef and cheddar sandwich on pumpernickel. Upon taking a bite out of it at my desk, I knew it needed something. No one had brought in any condiments for the sandwiches.

Well, no problem, I just finished cleaning out my desk drawer that had the condiment packages in it, I knew where to find what I needed. Digging through the box I put them in, I pulled out some salad dressing (aka generic mayo) and horseradish. While I was doctoring up my sandwich one of my minions was asking me questions. Then we had a minor emergency on the floor I had to go put out. Forward 20 minutes later, I return to my desk to finish what I was originally doing.

While I was working, I picked up the sandwich and took a bite out of it. It didnÂ’t take but a split second for me to realize something has gone horribly wrong with my sandwich. To say it tasted bad would be quite delicate, this tasted like licking the bottom of a road kill skunk. My gag reflex was kicking into overdrive. Before I hurled, I spit the sandwich out into the trash. Thankfully, IÂ’m still hooked on Listerine Pocketpaks. Three of those strips took the taste out of my mouth.

Carefully I peeled back the bread on the sandwich to take a peek. There, between the lettuce and the meat, was some kind of opaque, green-yellow colored substance with the consistence of baby snot. Sick baby snot! It didnÂ’t take much for me to figure out what the hell that was. Apparently, those condiment packages only last so long, I was looking at the congealing mixture of horseradish and generic mayo gone bad.

The two different rancid substances mixed together had created some kind of chemical reaction. Noticeable distortions in the air were visible around it. The stench was god-awful and it cause my stomach to contract so violently I was sure I was about to spew forth the entire contents of not only my stomach, but also my entire bowel. I am not kidding when I tell you that I think I created life. A life that did NOT want to exist and it new who its creator is.

It might have been my gagging or some psychotropic side effect, but I swear the stuff started to pulsate and move. Grabbing the sandwich, I carried it to a trashcan at an empty desk and threw it away. There was no way in hell that sandwich was staying anywhere near me. I figured let someone else enjoy my stinky creation.

Then I threw away all the condiment packages. I donÂ’t want to risk making the same mistake twice.

Posted by: Contagion at 03:58 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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